The leg bone is connected to the knee bone and my dad is connected to my mam

Trish S

Registered User
May 2, 2006
South Yorkshire
First Thank you so much for this site, it's so informative and the best I have found so far. Looking back over incidents and accidents it is now clear that my Dad has had vascular demetia since 1996. In 2005 my mum eventually got a diagnosis for him.

I have found many gaps in the system that people can fall through and wow, there sure is a lot of hands to pass on the book. Where it will land is with the people who love and know the individual. Mum wants to know where she can get training to help my Dad as she is the one that lives with him, there seem to be a lot of training schemes for organisations but not for the people who live 24/7 with the individual involved.

In a way it's been a privalige to see the unfolding of my dad. I always thought he was a brussant Irish man with bad manners and unbending ways but now I see a gentler side. I've watched my children grow and put on layers of knowledge and personality as they grew older, and as a mother I always knew what lay beneath those layers, now I'm seeing this happen in reverse with him, and I can see my Dad is beautiful. We as a family can move my Dad, but the carers who come in from local authority are not allowed to because of their backs. They used to get him out of bed to sit in the living room via his wheel chair, but after the celebration of his fiftieth wedding anniversery and being a bit enebriated he was too tired to weight bare the next day and all the "powers that be" decided that to protect their carers backs (Handling and Moving you know) that he would no longer be got out of bed. Since then my 74 year old mother has been transferring my dad from bed to chair, with Dad's help of course, on a daily basis. (Dad can do the Crab walk, a special lingo between him and her).

A hoist has been brought in now, more space in my parents home that the "powers that be" have taken over, not for my Dad, but for the carer's backs. My Dad can stand quite well. We do this daily with him, we don't want him to lose his legs through lack of use. I have a question, where in an assessment does the patient come in, where are their needs taken into account, doesn't an assessor have to be medically qualified and impartial to the "provided carers" needs and have someone qualified to speak for the patient. Bad backs are to be avoided I know but at what cost to my dad. Mum and Dad want to enjoy what time they have left, they can still laugh from time to time, they still love each other. In my Mum's words, they aint dead yet. They are aware that they need to adapt so far but want to choose what goes and what stays. I don't think they're wrong.

Tender Face

Account Closed
Mar 14, 2006
NW England
Hi Trish!

Damned right they’re not wrong! (IMHO!):)

You sound like you take after your mother! What an uplifting post! Thanks for sharing that!

On your practical point, I absolutely couldn’t agree more. When I worked with 4 and 5 years in a school it was mandatory that I attended a ‘Moving and Handling’ course (via the LEA) – it wasn’t about looking after the children so much as protecting oneself from injury! (And I’m not sure that was for my personal benefit but that the LEA didn’t want me to go off sick or sue them which in my very cynical view is precisely the reason professionals are trained by their employers, where mere mortals who care on an unpaid basis are not).

Now, in my unpaid capacity as a carer, I’m expected to grapple with bathing a pretty immobile 73 year old, dice with disaster with hospital wheelchairs etc etc In fact when mum was briefly admitted to hospital recently the nursing staff insisted I got her right to her bedside in the wheelchair as they were told to ‘avoid pulling and lifting wherever possible’. I have had one minor mishap when I misread the gradient of a hospital corridor and was pinned to the wall (which mercifully appeared behind me) – fortunately I was only winded and nothing serious but it did make me wonder what would happen if I DID injure myself. No-one else in the family is able to undertake any of these physical aspects of her care – SOME professional or other would have to do it then?

Fantastic your mother – I come home exhausted some days and I see myself as a reasonably fit 43 year old!!!!

I don’t know what ‘rights’ patients and their (family) carers have – I am sure others here will be able to give you advice on that. I do know my mum has generally refused things (part the stubborn and independent streak! - part 'I don't want THAT in my house!') which OTs have suggested she ‘keep it anyway for a while and try it’ – her trolley, the bath seat come immediately to mind … now I don’t where she or we would be without them and they have just become part of the household features!

Good luck, let us know how you get on!

Karen (TF)