The Invisibles

[Quilty]

I really feel the need to post as I am so furious at the "invisibles" in my mothers life and one in particular - My sister.

I could write a book but here is the summary. Middle sister is totally selfish and always has been. When we were kids she hid in the toilet when it was time to do the dishes and has not changed since then. She has managed to get around £30K from mum over the last 20 years for various reasons. Mum has enough sense to make me POA. I only had to start managing the money in the last 9 months and found all of the large withdrawals. I did not say anything to mum or sister - it was too late. Once that took place sister stopped visiting or phoning. She knows she is cut off so there is no reason to visit. Mum has seen her twice in the last 9 months. Went taken to the hospital by ambulance in March she told A&E to phone me as she does not see mum.

my question is how do the invisibles manage to live with themselves. While Mum was at home I was stressed to death worrying if she was OK. I was worn out from helping keep her home and safe.

Today I find out dear sister had lovely pizza party for another relative. I feel like I am in recovery after all of the trauma of the last two years. Meanwhile she is not bothered. How can we have the same parents?

How do I get past this anger? Its eating me up. Anyone been in the same situation?

 

[Moonflower]

My mum has been in a care home near me for 3 1/2 years. I visit most days, take her out etc. My brother has not visited her once. He sends her a card at Christmas and her birthday - no presents, ever. He never phones her or even asks me how she is.

Yet when we were growing up he was the golden boy, the one who was sent to private school, had all his university costs paid. Mum was still paying for holidays for him when he was in his 40s (and married with kids and a massive massive salary)

Feeling bitter doesn't help. I am responsible for my behaviour, not for his. Not easy though, not easy at all. Bet he'll turn up for his inheritance though

 

[Quilty]

My mum has been in a care home near me for 3 1/2 years. I visit most days, take her out etc. My brother has not visited her once. He sends her a card at Christmas and her birthday - no presents, ever. He never phones her or even asks me how she is.

Yet when we were growing up he was the golden boy, the one who was sent to private school, had all his university costs paid. Mum was still paying for holidays for him when he was in his 40s (and married with kids and a massive massive salary)

Feeling bitter doesn't help. I am responsible for my behaviour, not for his. Not easy though, not easy at all. Bet he'll turn up for his inheritance though

At least its not just me. That actually helps and you are right. I am only responsible for my own behaviour. Thanks

 

[daisydi]

I really feel the need to post as I am so furious at the "invisibles" in my mothers life and one in particular - My sister.

I could write a book but here is the summary. Middle sister is totally selfish and always has been. When we were kids she hid in the toilet when it was time to do the dishes and has not changed since then. She has managed to get around £30K from mum over the last 20 years for various reasons. Mum has enough sense to make me POA. I only had to start managing the money in the last 9 months and found all of the large withdrawals. I did not say anything to mum or sister - it was too late. Once that took place sister stopped visiting or phoning. She knows she is cut off so there is no reason to visit. Mum has seen her twice in the last 9 months. Went taken to the hospital by ambulance in March she told A&E to phone me as she does not see mum.

my question is how do the invisibles manage to live with themselves. While Mum was at home I was stressed to death worrying if she was OK. I was worn out from helping keep her home and safe.

Today I find out dear sister had lovely pizza party for another relative. I feel like I am in recovery after all of the trauma of the last two years. Meanwhile she is not bothered. How can we have the same parents?

How do I get past this anger? Its eating me up. Anyone been in the same situation?

Yes. I am absolutely consumed by my mums illness and worried about her all the time. My sister just gets on with her life, manages to visit mum if she can fit it in and just makes herself unavailable for support. I am the youngest but my mum made me POA about 12 years ago. It absolutely infuriates me that she just doesnt seem to care. We had to recently place my mum into care but I am still so involved with her life, buying her bits and pieces but my sister does nothing, absolutely nothing and doesnt seem to worry. In fact while I was in bits because my mum went into care she just carried on as if nothing had happened. I feel so angry all the time at the moment but I am wondering if it is part of the grief process.

 

[Maldives13]

Wow this is awful but I'm so pleased its not just me! I have too been all consuming with my mothers life and illness . She is currently in a care home and will probably stay there' I am in bits as she never ever wanted that. My brother is rubbing his hands and can't wait to sell her house . He and I own half. Hope he and all the other invisibles get their come uppance one day. I hope that happens. How do they live with themselves I ask xxx

 

[Quilty]

You might be right daisydi. Being angry makes me forget about being heartbroken even if its only for a little while. Thanks to you to. Good to know im not the only one doing all the caring.

 

[opaline]

My friend's mum was in a care home and my friend's brother never visited once (from England to Scotland). When their mum died and the house had to be sold he came up to do some 'work' on it before the sale. When the sale had gone through he then sent my friend an itemised bill for the 'work' he had done down to the last screw!

 

[Quilty]

My friend's mum was in a care home and my friend's brother never visited once (from England to Scotland). When their mum died and the house had to be sold he came up to do some 'work' on it before the sale. When the sale had gone through he then sent my friend an itemised bill for the 'work' he had done down to the last screw!

My sister lives less than 10 minutes walk from my Mother. She has never been to visit despite me texting her to tell her Mum wanted to see her. If mum had a cheque book she would have been there on the first day.

 

[Kevinl]

Don't even go there with the invisibles, 3 years my mother lived with me and my wife and we never took a penny off her, one brother visited once, the other twice the same as my mum's granddaughter who lives in New Zealand. After the funeral not even a thank you, just a discussion about the will. From what you read on here though it's all too common.
In answer to "my question is how do the invisibles manage to live with themselves" forum rules forbid that kind of language but I believe it's mainly Anglo Saxon in origin
K

 

[daisydi]

I could go on all night about this but I dont think it would do me or my mum any good. I just believe in myself and who I am and I suppose everyone is different. Best wishes to all who care, have cared and are caring for loved ones. Dont know what would happen if we were not here to care ....

 

[lexy]

Yes. I am absolutely consumed by my mums illness and worried about her all the time. My sister just gets on with her life, manages to visit mum if she can fit it in and just makes herself unavailable for support. I am the youngest but my mum made me POA about 12 years ago. It absolutely infuriates me that she just doesnt seem to care. We had to recently place my mum into care but I am still so involved with her life, buying her bits and pieces but my sister does nothing, absolutely nothing and doesnt seem to worry. In fact while I was in bits because my mum went into care she just carried on as if nothing had happened. I feel so angry all the time at the moment but I am wondering if it is part of the grief process.

Your sister should meet my brother, they would get on well together. My mum is no longer here but I could relate to what you were saying. I too was in bits when my mum had to go into a home for the last few months of her life. I do think it is part of the grieving process, I started to grieve for my mum before she died.

 

[Tara62]

How do I get past this anger? Its eating me up

Perhaps you should tell her exactly what you think of her, in full and no-holds-barred detail. Maybe write her a letter? It wouldn't change her, but it might make you feel better.

 

[theunknown]

I'm going through the same situation. For me what's not helping is that I'm a twin, and because I'm having to deal with the legal/care stuff I've now found out how much help my mum was giving to my sister financially. My mum was apparently paying all of her and her husband's (from 2007) bills. This wasn't a problem for me, because I've always believed in being economically independent. However, since my mum was sectioned (and is now in a care home) my husband and I are paying her bills/fees and also helping out my sister financially. My sister provides no type of assistance, but simply asks me to let her know what's happening.

Why is it that those who expect the most provide the least?

 

[Caroleca]

I think because they CAN. If there are enablers, then it never ends. It's a sad situation but you have to learn to let it go....so it doesn't drive you absolutely batti

 

[Linbrusco]

At the end of 2012, and at the start of Mums AD, she required surgery for early stage bowel cancer.
As her POA and having authiority on my parents bank accounts, I was tidying up all their bills etc, when I realised the true extent of how my parents had been " helping" my brother financially. Dad didn't know the half of it either. Brother swore Mum to secrecy.
He also conned Mum out of her credit card and PIN, and withdrew thousands, and was so far behind on payments the bank was almost at the point of referring the debt to a debt collection agency. Mum would get the statements and hand straight to my brother without reading them.
Doubt if she would have understood them anyway and Mum could not see what my brother had done was wrong when I found out.
My sister & I fell out with him over it for almost a year, but because of Mums failing health & AD, we had to patch things up best we could.

Brother still takes advantage of Mum, and does nothing to help. He stays at Mum & Dads from time to time, when he has relationship problems.
He is a chef and I could count on one hand the number of times he has cooked for Mum & Dad. He has not taken them out anywhere in the last 5yrs at least, Oh unless you count taking Mum down the supermarket for milk

The real Invisibles throughout all this is Mums 3 brothers and 3 sisters.
I'm totally fed up with all the promises of visiting etc.
One of Mums sisters said she would take Mum away for a weekend, along with another sister.
That was 18mths ago, and now Mum does not travel well, and gets disorientated easy.

 

[Karjo]

I think the Invisibles see us as martyrs, wasting our time on somebody who won't remember anyway. They remind themselves of all the occasions they considered their parent to be a poor parent, so they don't really deserve support in their time of need. They forget the bail outs they have had in the past and are angry about the ones they may not get in the future. If they visit the parent they probably expect expenses to be paid, and remind us they are doing it really to help us, the siblings, not the parent as they probably won't even know them. they dont realise it would just be easier all round not to bother making up beds for their visits, organising airport runs, cleaning the house and getting in the food. And of course after their visits they cannot help out with the extra housework , washing up etc because they have old friends to catch up with, to tell them what Martyr their sibling is being! Sometimes they even invite said friends to dinner so we can cook for them too, but thats doing us a favour as we need to be a bit more social!

 

[Grey Lad]

The amusing thing for me is when the 'invisibles' arrive they are greeted like long lost friends. My O H has no idea how long it has been since their last visit or when they last phoned. She accepts that they are busy people who have families of their own and because 'she carried them in her womb' their behaviour is not to be scrutinised under any circumstances.

Sometimes they even make suggestions about how I could carry out my caring role in a better way. However, their willingness to take over for anything longer than a few hours is absent - they are always busy. I wonder if they remain invisible because they can't cope with the situation or they have already written off their mum as someone who hasn't got much time left on this earth.

 

[Pear trees]

My brother lives in the next street from our mum but never visits or calls since I found out he was 'borrowing' money regularly when I got POA and stopped it. He won't speak to me as I will not give him money.

I call daily, visit twice a week plus doctors hairdressers etc, and do cleaning and laundry, all the time listening to her moan about me not doing anything for her.

 

[beverrino]

I felt I had to comment on this one. How sad reading all of these posts - all the people that are missing out. I too am in a similar position and I think its the overall responsibility that gets to me. My brother and sister both have sort of decided I am the one to look after everything - and it just happened to me. Granted my brother lives away - but less than a two hour drive and when he does visit Mum its only for an hour or so and he cant get away quick enough - all the promises of taking her out in the early days following my fathers death, all gone by the wayside.
Mum is still living alone and I work full time - we have good days and we have bad days and 'oh so bad days', I work full time but see her every day and help her with her everyday things. I still love my Mum dearly and absolutely love the rare days when we can actually have a conversation and she is almost like the old mum. So here is the thing - when she is not able to communicate - then they have missed out on these flashes of light that I can see and I am truly thankful for them.
My sister lives close by - but she works odd shifts - and these are the excuses for her rare visits - yes she does visit on occasion, but actually admitted that she should go more but 'doesn't want to'. She doesn't see what I see and how important it is for Mum to have visitors. She is incredibly lonely and is very aware of her Alzheimers, and her lack of short term memory and is currently able to cope (in her own way). I know the day will come when she cant. It is a massive responsibility - caring for someone else and I have got to admit - I never ever considered I would be in this situation and until you are I don't think anyone appreciates the enormity of it. Especially the 'invisibles'

 

[2jays]

At the start sibling was invisible - work commitments, I don't work so was obvious to her I should be able to deal with things.... Everything.... Oh yes she also had the smacked face look because mum made me the only POA years ago......

2hours to mum 2 hours back each week for me. Towards the end of mum being at home It became 2 - 3 times a week..... once a Month, sometimes less, visits from invisible....

I don't "work" because I have a disabled OH who was working and needed support so he could continue to work....

Cue mum needing to go into care.... Cue invisible coming up with less than useless "help", cue invisible deciding to take over from me, moving mum nearer them, to take the pressure off me, mum having regular downturns and needing more input/decisions from us..... cue invisible lessening their visits to mum.....






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