The Guilt Monster Again....

[Dazmum]

I've just been over to see my mum in her care home. Went into the lounge which was quite hot, even with windows and French doors open. It seemed as though everyone was noisy and quarrelsome apart from my mum and a few others. Mum was really pleased to see me, and because it was so noisy, we moved out into the corridor area which was much cooler where we could sit and chat. When I left I got her some magazines and she stayed where she was, but she was tearful and seemed very unhappy. I suggested to one of the carers that she might like to sit in her room for a bit of peace and quiet, and they said she can do that and often does, but then comes back out to sit in the pandemonium again. She is supposed to have her supper there too, but doesn't eat so much on her own. When I suggested we went and sat in the cool, she said that there would be comments about it - clearly there wouldn't. I guess there are no answers, I just feel terrible that she was unhappy amid all the noise today. I'm told it's like that every afternoon.

She isn't unhappy all the time, and it's not always so noisy, that's the worst I've seen. In the corridors are pictures of the activities taking place, and there's mum joining in! The activities lady told me that she had got a book to show mum of the town mum grew up in, so I have nothing to complain about, she s well cared for and so hopefully it was just one of those days.

I'm not sure what can be done really, she wanders and so has to be in the secure part of the home. I wish with all my heart she didn't have to be there at all and I just feel very sad.

 

[lin1]

Its so hard isnt it Sending you a big ((((((HUG))))))

 

[nita]

Dazmum,

I can understand how you feel. If you see your mother in conditions like that which you know are not pleasant for her and you know you wouldn't like it yourself, it is upsetting. You just want them to be happy and comfortable and it gives a pang to the heart to know they might not be. But perhaps we read too much into it and they don't feel as bad as we think they do. Maybe some of their emotions are "dampened down" by the illness. Mealtimes come up and there's something to distract them and the carers step in. As you say, they thought of your Mum with a book of her hometown which is kind of them. It is funny you should mention that as I have just seen three or four books on Amazon about my Mum's birthplace which I know she would like. I might as well spend her money on things she enjoys. She has always talked about the place where she lived until she was 12, even before the dementia, so I know she will like looking at the old photographs.

I am in the middle of having to consider the dreaded CH prospect too so, judging by the posts on here, there is a long road of sadness for me too ahead. I suppose it is just part of life.

Best wishes,
Nita

 

[turbo]

Hello Jennie, it's just so hard isn't it. I wonder if your mum goes back to her room and soon forgets about the noise in the lounge and goes back into the lounge.
I know you have confidence in the home and it's good that the care home give her the choice of going to her room for peace and quiet. But none of us want to see our lovely mums unhappy. It's very sad.


turbo

 

[Dazmum]

Thank you all, yes it's incredibly hard. I just wanted to take her home with me, sit her in her lounge and look after her, but I know I can't. As you say Turbo, I hope she does forget it. x

 

[Canadian Joanne]

Dazmum, she will most likely forget it. I know how hard it is, especially at the beginning. My mother went into a retirement home first for two years and for months at the beginning she would wait for me by the front door. It was so sweet and so incredibly sad at the same time. It was a relief when she stopped doing so but then there were other issues.

 

[Dazmum]

Bad day again today Mum had a memory test a couple of weeks ago and the nurse picked up on a couple of medications that he didn't think she needed (which is good) so today I was invited over to a proper medication review with the psychiatrist. He was really nice and very understanding, the home's manager was there too, and I was able to express my concerns about mum's anxiety and emotional state, and my worries yet again about the impact of everyone sundowning seemingly all afternoon. The manager agreed that mum didn't really need to be in that part of the home. I explained, as the manager is new, that she was placed there because she wanders, tries all the outside door handles and is also frightened by stairs, but they can't be sure that she won't try and go down them, in which case she could fall. She did agree with me that the stages that many of the other residents are at , and some of their behaviour doesn't help my mum and how she is in herself. She's a quiet lady, hates load noise or arguments.

The psychiatrist agreed that mum should be weaned off the two medications gradually to see how she is, so that we can see if it is those or something else that is making her so emotional. We then went into wing so that he could meet mum. She was in the lounge sitting with one of the ladies that she likes, she looked ok, but as soon as we appeared she started to cry and said she had been 'dumped' there by her family - we discovered that she meant her mum and dad, she was very upset with them and said they had gone somewhere else to enjoy themselves and she'd been left. She said she felt better now I was there and was sorry for getting worked up We went to sit in her room and the Dr asked her some questions just about herself and how she felt and the other people there, and if she knew where she was. By this time she was just bewildered and said that it was okay there, the people around her were nice and they could have a laugh together. He asked about who she thought had 'dumped' her there, and she confirmed that it was her parents. He did carefully ask her if she realised that they had passed away a long time ago, at which of course she was very upset and looked at me, saying 'well I would have thought someone would have told me', and that they leave her notes saying how they are It was horrible, I only ever told her once that they had gone, but not again and today confirmed for me that it's the right thing to do. At least he didn't ask about my dad. I suppose he had to do that to assess her, he also asked about her medication and told her that it was to be reduced. She also seemed to have the idea that I was going to stay there with her.

When we got back to the manager's office I was in tears, yet again I hated leaving her there, but she was more cheerful by then, I told her I was going to take her out tomorrow as usual, which cheered her too. The manager said that she was going to try and think of a way to allow mum to have a room upstairs and maybe just spend some time in the mornings where she is now. I reiterated that she was there for her own safety and told them about her escape earlier this year and also concerns about the stairs. She would need someone to keep an eye on her all the time and I just don't know if they would be able to do that, and her safety is paramount of course. So I'm absolutely torn, and I think I'll just have to wait and see what they suggest, because I know they wouldn't put her at any risk. It would be good if she and another similar lady could maybe spend some time in the upstairs lounge together and maybe lunch in the main dining room tog ether. They have tried mum with her meals there before, but nine times out of ten she doesn't want to go, so it may well go the same way again. What I'm thinking is, maybe I am doing what nita suggests and worrying because I wouldn't like it myself? I guess we'll just have to take it a step at a time and firstly see what the change in medication brings....I'm sorry, I've really rambled yet again, but I know how everyone here understands. I just hate seeing my mum be so upset

 

[Saffie]

O Jennie. It is so hard isn't it. We want what is best but sometimes we have to put up with what is necessary instead. No psychiatrist visits Dave but I expect that is because the aricept he was given in case he had some AD mixed in with the VD was stopped before he moved from the hospital to the home.

I can remember your mother wandering before - even before she went into the home and your worrying. So at least you now can know that she is safe but that isn't much comsolation when you sense she is unhappy. It's a cruel and tragic disease and it's tentacles reach out to affect so many others with pain, guilt and suffering. I do hope the home can help your Mum feel happier and then you will feel a bit happier too.
love and sympathy. xxx

 

[Dazmum]

Thank you Saffie, you are right. Do you know, if I just visited in the mornings I wouldn't be any the wiser as all is calm and mum is happy then. x

 

[Dazmum]

Mine too Kassy, thank you and I hope you get some rest tonight, gentle hugs to you too xxx

 

[CollegeGirl]

Jennie, before ai saw this post I sent you a PM. Please don't feel you have to go through everything again.

I'm so sorry that you and your mum have been so upset. It's dreadful, isn't it? At least the manager is trying to come up with a compromise that might work; fingers crossed.

Where are you taking your mum tomorrow? I hope you both enjoy yourselves and can put the past couple of days behind you.

Much love to you both xxx

 

[Helen33]

Hello Jennie,

Sending love and a (HUG).

 

[Dazmum]

Thank you CG and Helen, CG I actually turned up early for the meeting, so had the chance to discuss with the manager, and longer as the psychiatrist was 40 minutes late!!

I felt very low yesterday evening, and went to see mum this morning. All was calm and she was sitting with the activities lady, when I was let in the nurse in charge said mum had been crying and asking for me She was not crying when I went in, but her voice went all wobbly when she said she was glad to see me. I just jollied her along and when she did the same in the car, I said that she was there because I couldn't leave her alone as I had to work, and I needed to be sure that she was safe and well looked after, and she said she knew that and the people were very kind. So then I changed the subject and we had a really nice morning and she was cheerful again, and fine when we went back. The activities lady said that she is tearful sometimes when she says goodbye to mum in the afternoon, so it seems to be a general anxiety thing. I felt better when I left as she had enjoyed herself, but I just feel generally sad to think of her there. I think they are going to take her to another lounge this afternoon, yet again I said that someone must be with her at all times or she'll be off out if she can, and now that's worrying me too What am I like?

 

[jude50]

Dazmum.

Have just read your thread and I feel for you so much. The only thing you want to do is make your Mum feel safe and it must be so upsetting for you to see her weepy. The only thing is she probably is fine after you have gone but you are still holding the upset with you. Mum used to be the same with me, we'd have a disagreement and she'd end up shouting at me and I'd shout back. I'd go off upstairs have a good cry, feel guilty about my behaviour and come down to apologise and Mum would have forgotten all about it.

So am sending you hugs to say I understand

Jude

 

[geum123]

Oh, goodness Jennie,
I started reading this thread with tears,
until I got to the psychiatrist where your Mum was told her parents were dead.
How unnecessary.

The sad thing is that your Mum would likely be tearful and upset at home with you.
It seems to be part of this cruel disease,
and knowing you do your absolutely best for her,
to ensure she is well cared for and safe
makes not one jot of difference does it.

I hope they are able to find a compromise for her.
Somewhere quiet, but safe.
Would she benefit more if she were teamed up with the little lady who is her friend?
Dad was put with two ladies for a while, as they all used to hold hands.
It did help for a short while until other complications set in.

Dad found noise very upsetting it confused him no end.
Then he started making it .................


Bundles of hugs Jennie.
I've no wise words........ just tears for everyone in this position.
Thinking of you and your Mum.

Lots of love Geum.

((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))

xxxxxxxxxxxx

 

[CollegeGirl]

I've been catching up with your thread, Jennie and can tell how upset and sad you are. Your mum sounds like a lovely lady and it's not a nice feeling to think that she's unhappy. But she does seem to understand why she has to be there when you discuss it with her, and she's not angry at you. You can still have nice times together, which is absolutely wonderful. Do try your best not to worry (ha, listen to me saying that). Very probably she is not as bad as you think when you are not there.

With much love and hugs, but not many answers ... CG xxxx

 

[turbo]

Hello Jennie, You are a loving, caring daughter which means it is so awful for you to see your mum when she is unhappy. Thinking of you.

turbo

 

[Dazmum]

Thank you all. I too was thinking that it would be good if she could be with her little friend in one of the other lounges Geum, as I know they have tried this before but she won't stay there! When they sit her in the quiet of her room to have her supper, as I had asked, she doesn't eat it and comes out again, so they do try, I can't fault them. The only way it would work would be if she had a carer with her to sit, but of course they don't have enough staff for that on a regular basis and especially at those times when everyone else is milling around. I think that would be the only solution, so not likely to happen.

I don't know why he told her that her parents were gone either, my heart sank when I saw the route he was going down, although he was very nice and gently spoken, I was surprised at it. I did tell him afterwards that it's something I don't say to her anymore as it upsets her every time.

 

[Dibs]

I've just caught up with your thread Jennie and I'm sending you a (((((HUG))))). Your mum like mine is well looked after but it doesn't make it any easier as we hate to see our mums in any way distressed or poorly.
Dibs (Deborah) xx