My mom died last April after being in a care home only a few weeks. Her death certificate said ‘senile dementia’ though she actually had never had a formal diagnosis. Her deterioration had been so rapid. Up until September 2019 she was an active 93 year old who I saw often and took her away. Over the next couple of months she became forgetful and had two falls. She also became unable to read her magazines. After the second fall in December she remained in hospital and I visited her every day. She became doubly incontinent and unable to even get out bed. It was heartbreaking, because of Covid she was moved the day after lockdown started in March 2020 into a care home to be assessed. I was not allowed to visit her, they lost her hearing aid so I couldn’t telephone as she couldn’t hear. They seem seemed nice in the home. They put up balloons and decorations for her 94th birthday on April 2nd last year and they did a what’s app video that they sent me but she was clearly disorientated and didn’t understand it was her birthday even when they brought in a cake with candles for her. She stopped eating and drinking 10 days later and went into a coma and died 16th April. I begged them to let me in as I was sure I could have got her to eat and drink but I was not allowed to be with her, even at the end. I am struggling to come to terms with all this. I feel guilty she would have felt I had abandoned her and would not have understood Covid. And I am so sad to see ‘senile dementia’ as her reason for dying. Can anyone on here understand this feeling I have? How do I come to terms with losing her? Her funeral because of Covid was sad with so few of us allowed to be there. I try to reason with myself. She was 94, she had to die at some point but frankly I am not convincing myself, sorry this thread is so long but it is helping to write it down.
The guilt and sense of loss is overwhelming
- Thread starter JanLucy
- Start date
@JanLucy welcome to the forum. I can't ignore you post but there is little I can say to comfort you. It is indeed a terrible time we are going through when we can't be with our loved ones when we really feel they need us. It is so hard for you to come to terms with but you know that you did your very best for her- as much as you were allowed. I understand the trauma you are going through, as many will on this forum. Hopefully someone else will be along soon with wiser words than me.
Well, I’m glad it’s helping you to write it down at least. It sounds an absolutely horrendous experience and just heartbreaking?? No wonder you’re feeling so traumatised. My heart goes out to you and your dear old Mum. You have done nothing to feel guilty over, but it’s human nature - the more you care for someone, the more guilty you feel.
Your Mum is free from the torment of dementia and I hope you can find peace too, in time. Take it easy on yourself, and if you feel like you need professional help please see your GP.
Your Mum is free from the torment of dementia and I hope you can find peace too, in time. Take it easy on yourself, and if you feel like you need professional help please see your GP.
Thanks so much for replying. I have felt so alone with this grief and lockdown has made it worse. I know my mom is now at peace. There were times when she was distressed because she knew she wasn’t right - does that make sense? Covid restrictions were so cruel to those with dementia. I know I am not alone in my experience. I truly believe we failed those in care homes like my mom tho I know the choices were limited and the aim was to protect but I know my mom would have felt abandoned as every day when I was visiting her in hospital and feeding her and getting her to take her medication I had to daily ground her and explain where she was and why. And I’m soooooo frustrated they lost her hearing aid which plunged her into a world even more scary for her and more isolating. if she had to die, I wish she had died in hospital when I was with her, holding her hand and hugging her,
Hi JanLucy
I am so very sorry for your loss. You have been through a very distressing time of it and the way you are feeling is totally normal. I'm glad sharing your story has helped a little. I wanted to reply to your post because it seems our stories are quite similar and I can relate to some of the feelings you are having.
I lost my 90 year mum to covid at the start of January. I was able to visit her only when she was deemed end of life. She too had lead a relatively independent life for her age, despite poor mobility, prior to admission to hospital and then a care home following a water infection and a fall in June. I had moved her near to me in Stoke on Trent at the start of September hoping when covid restrictions were lessened we would have a few months if not years together. Sadly it wasn't to be. Her deterioration was rapid both physically and mentally before contracting covid. Two month long stays in different hospitals and two care homes plus isolation took it's toll.
Initially I found it very difficult not to dwell on her last few months and think how I could have changed the outcome. I regretted not visiting more although I saw her every 6 weeks and talked on the telephone every day when she was in Norfolk. i felt like I was a bad daughter.
However, it is very easy to look back and think that you should have done things differently. Some things are just out of our control. I do believe that some care homes could have managed things differently and that our loved ones have been "safe" but isolated without our visits.
Now a few months have passed I am trying to focus on my mum's whole life and not the last bit, if that makes any sense. I'm beginning to be able to look back and smile at quirky things she said and did.
Please be kind to yourself. You did all you could for your mum while she was alive. In time I hope these sad memories will become less vivid and you will be able to think of happier times
Sending love
Sue
I
I am so very sorry for your loss. You have been through a very distressing time of it and the way you are feeling is totally normal. I'm glad sharing your story has helped a little. I wanted to reply to your post because it seems our stories are quite similar and I can relate to some of the feelings you are having.
I lost my 90 year mum to covid at the start of January. I was able to visit her only when she was deemed end of life. She too had lead a relatively independent life for her age, despite poor mobility, prior to admission to hospital and then a care home following a water infection and a fall in June. I had moved her near to me in Stoke on Trent at the start of September hoping when covid restrictions were lessened we would have a few months if not years together. Sadly it wasn't to be. Her deterioration was rapid both physically and mentally before contracting covid. Two month long stays in different hospitals and two care homes plus isolation took it's toll.
Initially I found it very difficult not to dwell on her last few months and think how I could have changed the outcome. I regretted not visiting more although I saw her every 6 weeks and talked on the telephone every day when she was in Norfolk. i felt like I was a bad daughter.
However, it is very easy to look back and think that you should have done things differently. Some things are just out of our control. I do believe that some care homes could have managed things differently and that our loved ones have been "safe" but isolated without our visits.
Now a few months have passed I am trying to focus on my mum's whole life and not the last bit, if that makes any sense. I'm beginning to be able to look back and smile at quirky things she said and did.
Please be kind to yourself. You did all you could for your mum while she was alive. In time I hope these sad memories will become less vivid and you will be able to think of happier times
Sending love
Sue
I
Hi Sue,
Thankyou for your response. I wish I had found this site earlier as it does help to talk to others who understand. I am trying to remember the 93 good years she had and the good times we shared. I know how I am feeling is all part of the grieving process but if I was able to be with the rest of my family and hug and share the grief it would be easier. I live alone though I'm in a bubble with my daughter, without whom I would not have got through this far. Dementia is the cruelest of diseases. and the rapidity of decline sometimes, as it was with my mom, is so awful. And I will try to be kind to myself Sue. My daughter and son (who lives the other end of this country so I haven't see him for over a year) keep saying the same. It's hard though isn't it? But thank you for taking the time to reply.
Thankyou for your response. I wish I had found this site earlier as it does help to talk to others who understand. I am trying to remember the 93 good years she had and the good times we shared. I know how I am feeling is all part of the grieving process but if I was able to be with the rest of my family and hug and share the grief it would be easier. I live alone though I'm in a bubble with my daughter, without whom I would not have got through this far. Dementia is the cruelest of diseases. and the rapidity of decline sometimes, as it was with my mom, is so awful. And I will try to be kind to myself Sue. My daughter and son (who lives the other end of this country so I haven't see him for over a year) keep saying the same. It's hard though isn't it? But thank you for taking the time to reply.
