The Funeral - Family Conflicts - Cannot find peace it is what he would have wanted

Discussion in 'After dementia — dealing with loss' started by JaxminMe$100, Jun 21, 2019.

  1. JaxminMe$100

    JaxminMe$100 New member

    Jun 21, 2019
    #1 JaxminMe$100, Jun 21, 2019
    Last edited: Jun 21, 2019
    After a heart breaking journey of 7 years that saw my strong willed dominating father leave this world a shell of the man he was.

    I am struggling to reconcile my sister/ and her children's place at my fathers death bed and in his funeral arrangements when their relationship with my father were so hostile in the 10 - 15 years prior to his passing.

    I can understand at the end they loved him, but can not find peace with their presence in the days before his death when he was a shell of the man he was before Alzheimer's. But could not be there when he was the differ-cult and funny and demanding!! pre Alzheimer's Father/ Grandfather he would want to be remembered as, or to provide meaningful support my mother when she was struggling with with his declining health.

    I cannot find comfort knowing that while he had faith in God. He would struggle to accept their actions at the end and he would want to know why they were not there - when it counted and supporting my mother.

    Yet my niece stayed with my father when he passed at the hospital so he would not be alone - and my sister involved herself heavily in the funeral arrangements. Nothing like their relationship when he was well.

    I can not help but feel that they loved the man he became MORE with Alzheimer's/ drugged up/ placid/ -than the man he was before this awful disease.

    FYI - To support my mother and respect my father 'wish that my mother be protected, I have held my peace with my sister and her children . But now the funeral has passed. I am struggling to reconcile and find peace in this approach given my fathers opinion of them prior to the onset of Alzheimer's.
  2. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    Welcome to Talking Point @JaxminMe$100 and please accept my condolences on the loss of your father.

    My sister had no contact with our mother during her time with dementia but still attended her funeral.

    I regarded any regrets or misgivings my sister may have had were her problems and nothing to do with me.

    In the same way, the behaviours of your sister and her family are not for you to accept or decry. What is done is done and you cannot be held responsible for their conscience or lack of conscience however much it is hurting you.

    Let your father rest in peace. He has suffered enough.
  3. Elle3

    Elle3 Registered User

    Jun 30, 2016
    I agree with Grannie G, don't let the failings of your sister bring you down. What is done is done and cannot be changed now and holding onto these thoughts will possibly cause more harm to your self worth than your sisters. Hold your head up high knowing you always did what was best for your dad and your mother and they will be proud of you.

    My condolences to you.

    Elle x
  4. Jaded'n'faded

    Jaded'n'faded Registered User

    Jan 23, 2019
    High Peak
    We are not responsible for the actions or behaviour of others and there is little point being angry on your dad's behalf.

    I visit my mother every week, do all the caring. My brother has managed just one visit this year. I could get angry and resentful but it won't change anything except I will be feeling angry and resentful all the time. Not good. Or, I can take the moral highground and remind myself that my brother will have to live with his guilt, not me. Everyone is different. When family members don't step up and help or when they don't even seem to care, it's very hard to deal with. The way I deal with my brother now is by being extra nice to him! I'm afraid I get a certain smug satisfaction as I know it makes him feel guilty about his lack of involvement. Passive aggressive I suppose. But we have never got on anyway, always had a very difficult relationship. When mum dies I doubt we will speak again but I am determined not to make myself 'suffer' because of his selfish behaviour.

    My condolences on your loss. I hope you can find some peace now.
  5. Registered User

    Jan 16, 2014
    I agree with others...I held my tongue many times with my inactive not wanting to know or get involved sisters with my late dad during his illness and after his death. What is to be gained? I think although understandably in some ways you feel as you do,I feel that you have to let it go, for your peace in moving on and for your dad to rest in peace. I felt I had been able to look at myself in the mirror at all times knowing I did everything I could for dad including making some very hard decisions not sure my sisters can do that, not sure even if I had not held back from speaking my mind it would have changed their ways or that they would have cared more...I doubt it.
  6. JaxminMe$100

    JaxminMe$100 New member

    Jun 21, 2019
    Thanks all for your replies.
    It helps! And yes I do need to let go....... For myself and how I feel, yes I believe I can go that, but that part remains, that I feel I am letting my father down as he could not stand double standards, and would never shy away from what he felt needed to be said.

  7. Kikki21

    Kikki21 Registered User

    Feb 27, 2016
    East Midlands
    I am sorry to read of your father’s passing but as long as you know that you tried to do right by him & you then you can hold your head high as you haven’t failed him or yourself.

    I think my mum would probably be very shocked at what she could see now within the family as all my dad’s family have basically nothing to do with me at all & yet my dad & my mum did a lot for them & my mum made one of my cousin’s an executor of her will as she thought highly of her but my cousin didn’t even want to have any part of it & renounced herself off it!

    Her daughter was more bothered about the chair heights in the care home than about the fact that my mum would not be leaving the hospital & they saw my mum just once before she took even more serious turn for the worse & at one point, we were wondering if she would even come to the funeral. I arranged a wake & she made herself look very foolish by making out that she hadn’t been invited. She had, she hadn’t bothered reading a message from me!

    My mum has been dead for 3 months & apart from saying to me that she was renouncing herself from being an executor, she has not messaged or called me once to see how I am or check if I am ok.

    All this shows badly on her & I hope that my mum can see this from somewhere & know how she failed my mum & me!
  8. mildredgreen

    mildredgreen New member

    Jul 6, 2019
    It is so difficult to move on and to forgive and forget things like this. I'm still trying after 4 years. My mum had already passed when my dad got the first signs. Over 7 years i visited most days, done what was needed etc. After 4 years he needed 24 hour support. My brother and I used to do 24 hour shifts each for the next 18months, then when we were both so worn down we had to move him into a specialist dementia care home. He died there 18 months later. I had another brother and sister who did not help at all. When my dad was in the care home, my sister used to drive by every day and never visit. I still cant forgive them They came to the house soon enough after he was gone... treasure hunting and readily accepted their inheiritence. They all came to the funeral looking falsley upset. Now, I am looking after me. Puting all the things I learned to good use by working with elderly people as an acitivites coordinater. I also opened a community group to ease isolation in the over 50's. You will find your way. I am proud of the care my brother and I gave my dad. My siblings... well, I hope they feel guilty but I doubt it.
  9. Palerider

    Palerider Registered User

    Aug 9, 2015
    North West
    I can relate to you completely, my brother and his children barely bothered with dad when he was alive, but that all changed when he passed away.

    It has taken the last four years for me to reconcile this inwardly. Only now have I been able to speak to my brother without the feelings I had at the time, but I will never be close to him again I know that deep down as he repeats the same mistakes with mum.

    Its hard, but I'm a little wiser to it all this time round -I hope you find a place in yourself where you can let go of what has happened and move on.
  10. jaymor

    jaymor Volunteer Moderator

    Jul 14, 2006
    I have a little wooden plaque on which is written -

    ‘ Holding a grudge is letting someone live rent free in your head.’

    It’s something we all do at sometime and it leaves us hurt, not the person who is the cause of the hurt.

    So let’s throw out all the unwanted lodgers.
  11. fortune

    fortune Registered User

    Sep 12, 2014
    It depends a bit if you think you value continued relationship with your sister. My sister was appallingly badly behaved both to me and to mum. Since it became clear there was no more money to be had she stopped visiting - three short visits in the last year and a half. My relationship with my sister was always rocky but is now fractured beyond any conceivable repair. this is a relief in many ways, but still sad. A friend of mum's who also cared for her mum with dementia told me I won't regret the years I have spent caring for my mum. I hope that is true. Knowing my sister is wracked with guilt is not much consolation really.

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