The Friends of Dorothy Saga - Episode 2

[roger1941]

Pauline, the residential home manager is meeting Brian, whose partner Bill has dementia, and is now being cared for there.

Brian, we think that Bill is settling down so well. He seems to be content and we like having him here. He likes having attention and its lovely that he still recognises you.
Brian, you are such a good partner to him and everyone knows that. Don't be afraid to show your affection. Hold him and kiss him whenever you want; he needs it. Your love is just as real as that of the other couples here. So don't be anxious about it. OK?[/B]

 

[TinaT]

You will have to post more about Bill and Brian. I personally don't like the idea of separate sections on TP. I like to hear about all our experiences in living with dementia. After all we all suffer the same problems and we all learnfrom each other and need the support of each other.

They sound a lovely pair and obviously devoted to each other. Wouldn't it be wonderful if every care home manager was as sympathetic as the one in the Dorothy story appears to be.

I often kiss my husband and always hold his hand. I love him so why not? I'm fortunate in that we have lots of rooms to sit in and be private, or we can go to watch tv in his bedroom. The Care Home is his home in every sense of the word and I treat it as such. I'm also fortunate in that the staff are very happy for us to show affection towards each other. We often go into the room where the radio is usually playing Smooth Radio songs which are our era and we have a little dance to the music.

xxTinaT

 

[Skye]

Roger, I have to confess I read your post earlier, and didn't know how to reply!

Following on from your previous post, I wondered if you were seeing discrimination in the fact that Pauline felt she had to mention the subject?

If your post had been in another forum, I'd have posted back saying something like 'How lovely'. I too kiss my husband and cuddle him in full view of other residents and the staff. That's just the way it is. I can't take him somewhere private, because he's immobile.

I agree with Tina, I don't like the separate forum. It makes me hypersensitive, I think, whereas on the main forum, I'll just bash on, and apologise if I get it wrong.

I don't like to think anyone is 'separate'.

 

[roger1941]

Thanks for those postings, it was really nice to see them.
Sorry that you don't like the separate section but, speaking as a gay man, I like this facility and appreciate having a place where other LGBT people can write about issues related to being gay and, even possibly, they and others who are not gay, might respond too. However like you I also post in the other sections of Talking Point.
In the 'gay world' most of us kiss and hold each other in private a lot, but experience has taught us not to do it openly in public unless we are confident or feel safe.
I have seen gay people in residential homes revert to a handshake when other gay people come to visit. On one occasion my partner and I were walking arm in arm in London and were shouted at abusively by some people. I could give other numerous examples related to this issue. So although it is also natural for us to want to hold and kiss we have to make sure that we feel safe to do so. In the last few years the numbers of homophobic incidents have risen.
My partner, who had dementia, used to kiss me constantly in public and I had to struggle at first to accept it. Then I realised that our relationship was more important than other people's reactions; but for me it was quite a decision to come to. Most non-gay people don't have to experience that struggle.
Co-incidentally in today's Guardian there is a relevant story and here is an extract:-
'Shortly after our wedding(he means civil registration),Paulo's brother banned us from seeing his children, saying that before the wedding we behaved like flatmates, but during the ceremony (on Tower Bridge!!) there were displays of affection he considered inappropriate.' I can't believe that display involved more than kissing.
So it still seems to me to be true that my scenario in Episode 2 might stretch tolerance just a little too far for some residential homes.
Please continue to read and comment, I appreciate it and others will too.
roger1941

 

[julieann15]

Hi
Just wanted to say I have many "gay" friends and therefore have no personal issues with it at all. My sons now are accepting of them unlike their bigot of a dad who when I was married to him, banned "their sort" from the house. When I moved house, alone years ago, I was absolutely shattered at the end of the day- I wearily climbed the stairs to sleep on the mattress on the floor only to find that Paul had put up my bed, made it and even left my nightie folded up on my pillow. Only Paul would have done that

Please keep posting Roger

Love Julie xx

 

[Tender Face]

Hi Roger.

I, too, do not like separate sections for LGBT. Why? Because to me, it forces me to admit that as a society we are riddled with intolerance (prejudice?) and discrimination although many are keen to promote ‘diversity and equality’.

I’ve just posted on a thread regarding the homily by Archbishop Nichols. It occurred to me I perhaps should point out I was not ‘promoting’ Roman Catholicism? Do I need to make it clear that some of his views may not necessarily be my own? To explain whether I am RC/atheist etc etc. No. I felt the article was relevant to dementia care, end of. Different religious persuasions seem irrelevant (to me, anyway) It prompted me to think about diversity and reply here. (I confess I read, but am not always sure how to respond!)

Years ago (not that there was either TP or the technology) I wonder we may have seen separate sections for afro-Caribbean, Roman Catholics, and many other ‘groups’ of people who perhaps felt they were distinctly separate or had specific problems relating to their ethnicity or culture than other groups in handling certain situations which arose in their care-giving. What I find sad is that LGBT groups need to exist at all (and not just on TP of course) but am perhaps starting to understand it.

Just my musings.

Please keep posting, Roger. You are enlightening. I confess I had never considered the problems my own gay and lesbian friends may encounter outside their ‘comfort zones’.

Love, Karen, x

 

[roger1941]

Friends of Dorothy Saga - Episode 2

Wow everyone.
Really excellent - by that I mean that I'm thrilled to read em.
More on Wednesday.
Best wishes

 

[TinaT]

I suppose we all have prejudices of one kind and another. I'm struggling to accept the burka and the hoodie. I want to see people's faces when I talk to them. But I tolerate these forms of dress because I want to live in a society where individual choices, although not always liked, are respected.

I also feel prejudiced against because I'm a 'pensioner' which has led to very unpleasant remarks made by some young people in public places. These hurtful remarks and the meanacing way in which they were delivered also made me feel physically threatened.

I also feel prejudiced against because I have a northern accent. My northern accent held me back in promotion issues at work.

I experienced discrimination when, as as woman, and despite the fact that I was earning more than my husband, I had to obtain his written permission before I could get a loan from the bank to buy my first car.

I suppose we all experience prejudice of one kind and another and I was hoping that the serious and unrelenting prejudice against gay men had somewhat faded into the background.

There are people who dislike affection in the form of kissing or hugging in a public situation and I suppose this is intensified if the people kissing are two men or two women. Personally I like to see affection shown whether it be between two men, two women, or a man and a woman. I don't like to see what I consider to be sexual kissing in public. I think sexual affairs are best kept private between the two people concerned.

When I say I kiss and cuddle my husband in the Care Home situation, it is never done in a sexual way but it is done in an affectionate and loving way. There is a difference between the two in my opinion.

Where we can, we all modify our behaviour in one form or another when in public I suppose. When I've encountered age discrimination, or discrimination because I'm a woman, or because of my accent in public places, it hurts me because there is nothing I can do to change this.

xxTinaT

xxTinaT

 

[lesmisralbles]

Where we can, we all modify our behaviour in one form or another when in public I suppose. When I've encountered age discrimination, or discrimination because I'm a woman, or because of my accent in public places, it hurts me because there is nothing I can do to change this. Quote: Tina

Tina, nothing wrong with your accent
You have just done something to change all of this rubbish
We are talking about it now.

I have no time for anti gay, BNP, discrimination of any kind.
I have a surname that is not "BRITISH" bullocks off, I am proud to have my husbands surname.

As my Grannie use to say, as long as you do not scare the horses, what you do with your life, ITS YOUR LIFE. Sod them all bar Aggie

Barb X

 

[roger1941]

Thanks to you all for those postings - very encouraging thoughts. We need to publicly recognise the fact that not all people with dementia are happily married people with devoted families around them.
The sad thing however is that largely we don't know where the LGBT people with dementia are.
The daughter of someone I know was heard to say 'There aren't any gay people in our street, they are all old!'
We have been so successful in becoming invisible and thus in the short term we are likely to suffer for it.