The endless repeated questions

[SquirrelNutkin]

Good morning from a newbie.

I'm at the end of my tether. I care for my mother (in her 80s) and she has lived with my other half and me since my father died two years ago. She's had Alzheimer's for some time but the decline was very slow. However since a major infection before Christmas the deterioration has been rapid. She's now at that horrible stage where her cognitive function has almost gone but not quite - so she still knows that her mind is going and is terrified. I love her and I want to do the very best I can for her, but right now she's driving me up the wall and I'm not coping.

As the title of the post says, it's the endless questions. She has a catheter and she's obsessed with bladder and bowels, and constantly asks 'do I need to go to the toilet?' 'How do I go to the toilet?' 'What do I do if I want to go to the toilet?' and many other variations on the theme. It's not an exaggeration to say we get this around 60 - 70 times a day. Every day.

Then there's the 'I don't know where I am', 'what am I doing?' 'I'm totally lost' etc - that's probably 30 - 35 times a day. Every day.

And there are the questions which are repeated just as often but which change every few days - what did the optician say, when's my sister coming over to visit?

I know it's difficult for her, but I'm at breaking point. I've tried giving short answers, I've tried explaining the answer every time she asks in the hope that it might sink in. But no - I've answered the toilet question nine times while I've been typing this.

Any help, ideas, support, tissues to cry into, gin......all gratefully received.

 

[SquirrelNutkin]

Thanks CrazyWeather. Although the thought that this could get a LOT worse isn't actually cheering me up!

How did you cope with it, without wanting to scream? How did you manage to stay calm?

 

[Shedrech]

hello SquirrelNutkin
a warm welcome to TP
your poor mother; she feels so unsure about everything that she needs to keep asking in the hope that there'll be an answer to sort everything out; sadly, of course there's neither a satisfactory answer to each little question or to the big one of 'what's happening to me?'
and poor you who's there to field all this
as you've discovered long explanations or arguments just don't work - I'm afraid I went into robot mode; I had a short answer which I kept repeating in a calm, quiet voice with a smile (that was plastered on), pretty much a mantra - or I just made soothing noises - told myself to let it wash over me; took some practice and I have a song which I sing to myself (not generally out loud) which keeps me calm - sometimes I'd take myself out of the room, to make a cuppa, and have a good old scream to myself, then go back in with a cuppa and choccy biscuit (dad can't talk and eat his favourites at the same time!) - sometimes, if I feel dad has just got himself into a loop and needs a jolt, I kneel down so we're at the same eye level and tell him to look at me; when I've got his attention I say something soothing, that I'm there and will make sure he's OK; this can work for a while but nothing gives him back the security of knowing he's in control, because he's aware enough that he's not
this thread on compassionate communication may give you some ideas - I found it helped me begin to understand how things are for dad and how to approach him - nothing works all of the time, unfortunately
https://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/showthread.php?30801-Compassionate-Communication-with-the-Memory-Impaired
best wishes

 

[Tin]

Yes or no answer. Whether you are giving short or long explanations you cannot stop it, so take the pressure off yourself and keep to yes or no, even nodding your head and if it all gets to you, find a quiet room, put you and your gin in there and close the door. You know that she is safe, unless you think that she will fidget with the catheter.

 

[RedLou]

Can you get respite? Could your/her (?) sister take her for a week every so often? You sound as if you need a break and no shame in that. Well done for all you've done and do for her.

 

[SquirrelNutkin]

Thank you all. I'm sure you'll have heard this before on TP, but I don't feel so alone now.

Lots of things you've written have helped me to see this from a different angle, and the compassionate communication link really made me think.

The time is going to come when we need outside help, but for as long as she knows who OH and I are we want to keep here here, with us doing the caring. I need to make sure that doesn't end up as turning myself into a martyr!

 

[Boz Rihan]

Repetition

I have to reminding myself that my mother cannot help it but the desire to scream an obscenity is hard to withstand sometimes. Going into another room results in "hello" constantly. I tell her eg that her mother is sadly no longer alive and she sneers at me and tells me that she knows her mother is dead but can she please phone her. I want to be with my family is the most repeated statement. She has lived with me and my children for 30+ years. Most of the time it is heartbreaking as well as damned annoying. I have started ignoring her or pretending i haven't heard and when i ask her what she said she has sometimes already forgotten. Her latest obsession is the male gp round the corner, the neighbours" dog she wants to borrow, or the other neighbours who took her keys/horse/knives/hanky etc. It's pitch black and chucking it down and that's when she has to go to the neighbours. Just waiting for a date from the CH as i cannot do or take any more.

 

[Samantha1977]

Good morning from a newbie.

I'm at the end of my tether. I care for my mother (in her 80s) and she has lived with my other half and me since my father died two years ago. She's had Alzheimer's for some time but the decline was very slow. However since a major infection before Christmas the deterioration has been rapid. She's now at that horrible stage where her cognitive function has almost gone but not quite - so she still knows that her mind is going and is terrified. I love her and I want to do the very best I can for her, but right now she's driving me up the wall and I'm not coping.

As the title of the post says, it's the endless questions. She has a catheter and she's obsessed with bladder and bowels, and constantly asks 'do I need to go to the toilet?' 'How do I go to the toilet?' 'What do I do if I want to go to the toilet?' and many other variations on the theme. It's not an exaggeration to say we get this around 60 - 70 times a day. Every day.

Then there's the 'I don't know where I am', 'what am I doing?' 'I'm totally lost' etc - that's probably 30 - 35 times a day. Every day.

And there are the questions which are repeated just as often but which change every few days - what did the optician say, when's my sister coming over to visit?

I know it's difficult for her, but I'm at breaking point. I've tried giving short answers, I've tried explaining the answer every time she asks in the hope that it might sink in. But no - I've answered the toilet question nine times while I've been typing this.

Any help, ideas, support, tissues to cry into, gin......all gratefully received.

Hey SqhirrelNutkin...
I can offer you alot of hugs and tell you you're doing an amazing job. We deal with the same thing with my mil. She has some fascination with the toilet and everything to do with it.
The questions are repeated many times. I have no advice...because we are still trying to cracking it ourselves.
When we do try to give short answers with a smile she comments on how we are not answering her.

Hope you feel stronger. Best wishes

Sent from my SM-G925F using Talking Point mobile app

 

[Loopiloo]

The repeating of questions is so very hard.... If only there was a solution. Unfortunately as we know there is no solution. Various things can be tried, distractions, but are of short duration.

Some good advice given here, and it does help to try and put ourselves in their situation and try to understand how it is for them. The fear. We have to find ways for ourselves of how to cope with it and not 'lose it'. Wish I could write something useful but I can't. I worked hard on strengthening my tolerance, patience etc., but did sometimes 'lose it'.

In our case it was my husband and sadly dementia caused verbal aggressiveness. If I lost it, so did he. That's to be avoided at all costs.

Finding TP helped me, realising others had similar experiences, and as you say SquirrelNutkin, I felt less alone.

Keep reading posts, keep writing, and it can help so much just to write about it knowing everyone understands and empathises. Hang on in there, it's not easy but Talking Point is here for you.

Sorry I cannot be more helpful,

Loo xxx

 

[MERENAME]

I recommend a meds review with a psychiatrist. Also my mother tends to repeat particular questions/ sets of questions depending where she is sitting and I have moved out of her knitting chair and onto the sofa when I couldn't bear the same questions any more. It doesn't fix it but at least she changes the subject which gives me some relief.