The end of another stage... and boy am I glad

[Isabella41]

Let me start by saying thank you to all of you who were my sanity in the dark days of 2012 when caring for mother was a warzone. I really at times felt like I was so on my own. My family turned against me as they believed all the stories mum told them. Mum turned against me and told anyone who cared to listen how I had robbed her blind... on and on the story went. My poor husband was sick to the teeth of listening to me rabbit on and then I found TP. So many of you came along side me and walked the journey with me. You encouraged me and made me feel like I was doing the right thing.

Mum has been in the care home since May after the care assistant found her and the flat liberally covered in faeces and urine. Her skin was so broken down in her intimate areas that it was open and bleeding. This was only discovered when they got her in the shower in the care home. Initially I feared this would be just around lap of a well worn circuit - she deteriorates- go into the home - improves - demands home - gets home - cycle starts over again. This time however the staff in the home were so shocked at the state she was in physically that they actively fought to persuade ss that she should stay there. What a difference that made.

Her flat has been cleared. I give the keys back in a couple of days. She is still going on about how she would like to move back out but I am tactful but honest and just say "sorry mum its not possible you need to be here to be cared for properly". She tries to turn on the blackmail from time to time by telling me about all the wonderful daughters the other ladies have and how they visit more often than I do. Again I smile sweetly and say "how wonderful for them". My new mantra has become you can't fight with someone who won't fight".

The care home is residential EMI downstairs with nursing EMI upstairs so theoretically mum could spend the rest of her life there. I chose this home because it offered this facility as I think having to move her again would be upsetting.

Of course now that the dust has settled and there is no more drama the stirrers have all scuttled back under their stones. Mum is lucky if she gets any other visitors (apart from me) 2-3 times per month. Amazing that!! I really am so very cross at all the trouble these so called friends of mum's caused by filling her head with all sorts of nonsense and acting on the ramblings of an old lady with dementia. Crazy as it sounds now that it is back to just being me its easier as at least she is calmer and I can handle things better without interference.

Anyway enough rabbiting on from me. I just wanted to come on and let those of you who were so brilliant to me know where we are at.

Isabella

 

[Noorza]

I wasn't here when you were in crisis. I am at, where you were, I feel so much for you.

I am glad stage 6 is over for you, it's a bit of a killer to say the least. xx

 

[Saffie]

Isabella, I followed every word but didn't always post every time. Your story was amazing, I recall the day I started to read it and then went back to the beginning and I couldn't believe all that you were going through. I am so glad that the horrible time you have had has now eased - and, hopefully , for good.

I hope your own health has improved too and that you and your husband can spend some tranquil time together.

I just wonder if there has been any rapprochement with either one ,or both of your daughters, so that relations between you all can return to how they once were before the bad stuff happened. If not, then I hope it will happen one day soon.

Well done with all your efforts - you got there in the end!

 

[jenniferpa]

Oh well done Isabella! I know how difficult this whole thing was but kudos for getting there in the end.

 

[Izzy]

Glad things have settled for you.

 

[Isabella41]

I just wonder if there has been any rapprochement with either one ,or both of your daughters, so that relations between you all can return to how they once were before the bad stuff happened. If not, then I hope it will happen one day soon.

Saffie, Sadly no reconciliation. The elder one never calls her granny at all now and the younger one visits occasionally. I happened to bump into her one day at the care home and as soon as she saw me she got up and walked out and even ignored me as I said hello to her.

My conscience is clean and I am done with running after them.

My health is a lot better and John and I have a more normal life. It was a long road but we got there in the end.

 

[Moonflower]

Same in my mum's care home. All the other ladies have daughters who visit every day and take them out for at least half the day. And....they all bring small children with them. Not sure where I'm going to get those from.

 

[Saffie]

My conscience is clean and I am done with running after them.

It certainly is. Having 2 daughters of my own, I feel for you though.
I'm sure they'll realise how unfair they've been - one day. X

 

[jan.s]

Isabella, we all know you did your best for your mum, even when she was behaving at her worst. You have come through one huge battle and won, even when others interfered for no good reason.

I am sorry to hear about your daughters, but maybe one day they will realise what they are losing.

Take care

Jan x

 

[Kathphlox]

Oh Isabella, it's so good to see you post again in much better circumstances. What a trauma you went through.

The daughters will in time learn to give more than they receive and respect your superior knowledge regarding mum, perhaps they now see that you were right all along but are too embarrassed to admit it.

You are on your way to a new life, (still caring for mum of course) with the safety belt of care.

 

[ellejay]

Well done Isabella, so glad things are getting better for you.

I would think your girls will come good eventually, but in the meantime enjoy your improved health & make the most of you & John time.

Lin x

 

[nicoise]

Dear Isabella,

How good to hear your update, I was wondering how you were getting on.

I'm so pleased that your mother is now safely in residential care after all the two of you went through for so long. But I'm sorry that family relations have suffered during that time as a result - perhaps with time feelings will settle and a rapprochement becomes possible.

But also importantly that your own health is improving and that you can enjoy life with John again; you have been through such difficult times.

Best wishes

 

[Nanak]

Hi Isabella
I have been thinking about you recently and wondering how things are.
I am so glad you are at this stage in your life after such trauma, drama, hurt, and stress.
You have battled through and deserve a medal!
People always show their true colours and the fact that the troublemakers have disappeared back into their holes shows they know you were right.
As for your daughters, well, its a shame, but truth will out.
Take care
Nanak (Kim)

 

[cragmaid]

Finally...some good news. I am so pleased that the pressure has been taken away from you and that you and your dear John are beginning to make a fresh start at enjoying life. You Mum's trials and tribulations are being managed and she is secure so life is looking up at last.
I am pleased that at least one of her granddaughters still visits her, even if she is too ashamed to face you now. I do hope that she( your daughter I mean) never has to go throught the strife that you suffered. ( even I am not that mean!!besides which she probably would hand her sufferer over to the authorities immediately)
Keep in touch, keep well and be happy. Love Maureen.x.

 

[jude50]

Isabella

I am so glad that you have come through all of the tough times and now have your mother safe and looked after which is all you ever wanted. Now is the time for you and your lovely John to recuperate and I am happy for you.

For your daughters I hope that one day they will realise that their behaviour was unacceptable and you will be reconciled.

Jude

 

[Jaycee23]

Isabella
Things changed for you because you changed the way you reacted to the situation. We can only change ourselves. Like you I had a terrible time when mum became ill but it was my siblings that were constantly spurting spite and alsorts and believing mum rather than help her calm down which would have help her anxiety. I too went on and on about it to my husband and children and friends and was beginning to get on my own nerves let alone theirs. I had to shut down and stand back and just concentrate on what I could do and was prepared to do and shut off that awful thing called guilt. I cope much better now but still it is painful and always will be but I have to stand back and say that is what it is and I can do nowt about it. I have disowned my siblings and feel it is their loss not mine. I feel sorry for them basically but they have done so much to me and my family that I cannot forgive or forget but will not hate them.

 

[craftyviola]

Just adding a few words to the many others who have followed your story over the months. You have done brilliantly, Isabella in spite of all of the hassle given to you by members of your family and the lack of support at times from some of the health professionals and social workers. Well done to sticking to your guns and achieving the best possible outcome which is keeping your mother safe. She is clearly not the easiest person but you have been so steadfast and determined where I must admit, I might have given up! Try and enjoy yourself as much as you can now, you have done more than enough and you can reward yourself and John with some quality time.

 

[Paulineannc]

So glad things have worked out for the best, and your mum is being cared for now in a residential home, as is my mother.
You can now hopefully enjoy your own lives now, but it is such a shame about your daughters - hopefully things may change as time goes by!
What you and Moonflower say about other daughters visits sounds just like what my mother says! ;-)

Pauline