The Day the Music Died

[DickG]

I have not posted for some time for two reasons: firstly I have had two glorious weeks respite in Thailand where I was totally relaxed and rested and secondly was able to re-appraise my current situation which took some time.

Although I was amongst crowds of people there was nobody to share those special moments with – nobody to share a glorious sunset, nobody to share the excitement of the markets, nobody to share an exotic meal, nobody…..

It is obvious that sharing is a thing of the past and just two month short of our golden wedding our marriage is over in all but name. It becomes more obvious with advancing years that companionship is an increasingly important part of marriage and AZ has stolen what we had. Don’t misunderstand me – I made a vow, which I intend to honour, which means that I will care for Mary as long as I am able. I am blessed with good friends and wonderful neighbours - but I am so lonely.

Dick

 

[connie]

Dick, I can say I know exactly how you feel.

Whilst I have only had 10/11 short years with my dear Lionel, I too am lonely.
I love him deeply, still care 'hands on' for him, even though he now lives in a care home. Cannot imagine my life without him............

does not stop me feeling lonely, and missing that essential "sharing" which this dreadful desease has taken from us.

Don't know the answer, but at least, here on TP, we can be honest about our situations. Thinking of you,

 

[Skye]

Dear Dick

I share your sadness.

Younger members of the forum who are caring for a parent have their own problems, and in no way would I minimise them, but for us it as the loss of companionship that is, I think, the hardest to bear.

I haven't had the long years with John that you and others have had with their wives/husbands, but in the few short years John and I had together before he developed this disease, he became a part of me, a part I hoped never to have to live without.

Yes, there are the other problems we are all familiar with, the wandering, the incontinence, the abuse, but they can all be dealt with. What is impossible to deal with is the gradual loss of the person we love.

If they had died suddenly, we would manage the grief -- I've done that once already. If they were physically disabled, we would care for them knowing they were still the same person we married.

But this slow erosion of every recognisable facet of the personality, gradually over many years in some cases, leaves such a lingering loneliness and sadness that is hard to bear.

I've no answers for you Dick, but you are not alone. Use TP as your lifeline, for that is what it has become for me.

Love,

 

[Margarita]

I have had two glorious weeks respite in Thailand where I was totally relaxed and rested

I was wondering how come I have not seen you on TP for a while .

Just wanted to say nice to see you back on TP .

 

[Tender Face]

The music may have died ... but the melody????

Dearest Dick ....

It would be easy to say 'don't feel lonely' but I guess many of us know here how lonely it can be in a crowd ..... at different times in different ways ...

Dick, I wish I knew something clever and sensible and comforting to say to you as you often have to me ...... but as I've about given up on ever being 'clever and sensible' I can only share a few other lyrics with you .... the McClean sentiment is so apt for so many of us ...... and it reminded me of Irving Berlin's 'The Song has ended' .... so sad ...... but the poignancy of 'The Melody lingers on'?????? .... and how many times I listened to that one when I was losing my best friend, my dad.

I hope the celebration of the melody you have shared with Mary gives you the strength you need just now .....

Much, much love, Karen, x

 

[Kathleen]

Dick, Connie and Skye,

I have often thought how much more difficult it must be for spouses of sufferers.

As a child, the natural course of life meant I became less dependant on my parents and met the person who replaced them as No 1 in my life, we have children and grandchildren of our own and so the circle goes on.

Yes, I grieve deeply and suffer the hurt, fear,anger and numerous other emotions this disease brings with it, but I go home to my family and they help so very much.

As a spouse, it must be so hard to bear all the pain this illness brings and to lose that one special person you could talk to about anything under the sun, or just sit in silence for hours with, happy just to be together.

I feel for you all.

Take care

Kathleen
x

 

[Margaret W]

To Dick

Oh, how I cried when I read this, but not out of sadness but out of happiness that you have had nearly 50 years of marriage with a partner that you obviously used to share things with so much. Please do take much gladness from that. So many people do not ever have such a marriage or partnership, and although I can (partly) imagine how sad it is that you feel they have been taken from you, the past hasn't been taken away, only the future, and none of us knows what is in the future, good or bad.

My husband and I of 35 years more or less "rub along", but I have certainly never sat and enjoyed a sunset with him or any of the other companionable situations other than our two lovely children. I am actually dreading retirement and having to spend more time with him. Please, please, cheriish the wonderful years you have had together with your wife and accept that nothing will ever take them away.

I am deeply sorry that they are not going to continue in that manner, I hope you can find the strength to continue to make her life as happy and comfortable as possible, as no doubt she would have done for you if it had been the other way round.

Much love

Margaret

 

[Grannie G]

Dear Dick,

Such a sad post from you, so much heartache. So much pain and so much loneliness.

I share the sadness, the heartache, the pain and the loneliness, but have occasional moments of togetherness and sharing, so suppose I should be grateful.

But I`m not really. After 44 years of marriage and 48 years together, it isn`t the ending I would have expected.

Take care Dick. I know you are lonely, but you are not alone.

Love xx

 

[DickG]

Dear all

Thank you for your kind words and understanding. I have faced my demon and being an optimist I know that I will defeat him and your posts have strenthened my resolve.

Yes Karen, the "Melody Lngers on" and if I may resort to the naff Mary has always been "The Wind Beneath My Wings".

God bless you all

Dick

 

[mandyp]

Hi Dick

So sorry, my Mum has AD. I've often said to Dad (when he worries about how I'm feeling!!!) My worry is nothing compared to his. He's lost his wife and is now left with a 'charge' to take care of.

I know Dad loves Mum very much, but I also know he struggles (patience has never been one of his strong points and I can hardly believe how patient he's become).

The loss of companionship, must be horrendous. My poor Dad has no conversation with Mum at all. Marriage is no longer what a 'normal' marriage is. It's just dreadful.

While this will sound cruel, Mum is now at a stage where she giggles a lot and seems quite happy in her self. The pain now seems to be left with Dad and I as we watch her deteriorate and she trundles along in blissful ignorance (thankfully).

However it is true, I have my own Husband and family, Dad now has nobody and it's heartbreaking for any carer to deal with.

I wish there was something I could say to make you feel better, but I suspect there isn't. It's something I've tried to find to say to Dad, but there just aren't any words out there!

You've taken wonderful care of your wife so far, I hope that happiness will come your way

Mandy

 

[fearful fiona]

Dear Dick,

Just to add my thoughts to those who have already replied to you. I am so sorry for you, I can't begin to imagine how it is when this happens to one's other half, and it is just that, another half who is not another half any more.

Although I am not in the same situation (my mother has Alzheimer's and my father is showing signs of dementia so they are no longer my dear parents), I have great feelings of loneliness too, and I have found TP to be such a life saver, if only that we can say what we think and not be judged, and even if we are in different situations we are all suffering from what has to be the cruellest of all illnesses for sufferer and those close to the sufferer. I just can't find any explanation for it all.

I won't go on, but just to say your message has really got to me. I think you are very brave to have posted it and I in the short time I have been a member of TP I feel that I have made the most understanding and warmest friends I could wish for. I think you have found this too.

You may feel lonely but you are most certainly not alone.

 

[Grommit]

Just needed join you on this one Dick.

I have some catching up to do as I have only been married 40 years but I do recognise the pain of not sharing.

The secret giggles you have together when something strikes you as funny or reminds you of an incident way back. These are things you cannot share with anyone else.

I agree with you, we must go on out of duty, respect, promises and the love of the person they once were and , through no fault of their own, are now.

 

[DickG]

I feel the need to reply to comment on the number of years we have been together as many responders have replied as if my pain is greater because of the number of years we have been together, nothing is further from the truth.

Love is not measured by length but more importantly by depth.

Dick

 

[Margarita]

Love is not measured by length but more importantly by depth.

what lovely words , so true thanks for sharing

 

[karenlsinging]

I know Dad loves Mum very much, but I also know he struggles .

The loss of companionship, must be horrendous. My poor Dad has no conversation with Mum at all. Marriage is no longer what a 'normal' marriage is. It's just dreadful.

Dick

My dad is in exactly the same position as you. My mum and dad have been married for 56 years in September and have done everything together since they met in 1950. Dad has been mum's full time carer since she was diagnosed about 5 years ago. Last 2 years have been the worst for us all.

To top it all his older sister (85) who he is very close to now has vascular dementia and her mind is totally gone, although she still lives in sheltered housing and will fight to the end not to go into care!

He knows it will not get any better but sometimes I think he has buried his head in the sand as he tells me how he can't understand why she is not doing something she used to do all the time!

Good luck to you.

Karen