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The day before the move

Dottie 1

Registered User
Sep 11, 2013
42
Ps the care home also called us to update on FIL which was great, usually sent me into floods of tears but very reassuring x
 

nee

Registered User
Jan 25, 2014
1
Sending best wishes, we've just gone through the same

Hi there,

Our Mum moved into a CH two weeks ago on Thursday ... it's so tough, we'd gone through a lot of emotional angst, discussions and disagreements in the family, a few false starts in getting her there, lots of feelings of guilt, but two weeks on and ... despite being still very emotional about it all, personally, I know Mum has a better quality of life, it's like she has a new, more fulfilling, chapter to her life. I do hope you feel that way with your Mum too.

Before CH, Mum looked after herself with the help of my sisters going in twice daily, carers twice weekly. She spent most days alone, staring out of the window from her chair in the lounge. Very isolated, not keen on seeing anyone apart from us, finding it hard to make conversation at all. Myself and another sister visited at weekends and tried to get her involved in singing, looking at photos, taking her out for trips ...

At CH, Mum has gradually become more involved in the 'community' in the home ... she now choses to stay in the communal areas rather than go to her room, takes part in activities, and as my daughter said 'is more nan-like' - she seems HAPPY, something we haven't felt she's been for a long time. She held me hand really tightly last time I visited, and rubbed my hand, something she hadn't done for years ... possibly decades. ALthough she's confused and keeps making comments about going back home, expecting to, I think deep down she knows she won't and she knows she's having a happier life.

She has a far better quality of life in the home, and even though we as daughters are feeling all sorts of emotions in no longer being the main care-givers, and worrying about how Mum feels about the massive change in her live, ultimately, her life is far richer, and she is far safer.

I do hope you come to feel the same about your Mum, very best wishes to you.
 

fullmoon

Registered User
May 22, 2013
331
The first visit

Well took a deep breath and gathered my courage for first visit to mum after lunch on Saturday accompanied by my daughter. When we arrived mum was sitting in the lounge reading the newspaper. The two residents either side of her were sleeping. She greeted us quite normally, not over excited or anything. I suggested she move seats so she was actually sitting by someone who was awake and who seemed more 'with it':eek:. The carer told me she had been laughing and joking all morning with another resident. She said mum had settled really well and was a joy to have because she is so jolly and friendly. We stayed for about an hour chatting with another resident and mum in a little group. Mum did not once ask about going home or how long she was staying - her only question was how was the dog as she misses him. Part of me wonders if she actually realises she will not be coming back to us? I came away relieved but slightly sad too - physically and in appearance mum does not seem to fit there but when you speak to her she can no longer hold a conversation and has no short term memory and very little long term either. The staff and home have been wonderful so far but it's hard to accept that this is it for mum. I suppose I need to come to terms with this new chapter in her dementia journey. I hope mum remains contented there - as for me I suppose I just need time.

Wishing all my fellow carers strength xx
 
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Niloc

Registered User
Dec 18, 2013
25
Well tomorrow mum is moving permanently into a CH. Been down this morning to put fresh flowers in her room and sort a few finishing touches. The handyman has put her photos and tv onto the wall and everything look lovely. Felt reassured that one of the staff told me the kitchen is aware mum does not like peas or tuna - it proves they have read through all the information sheets I had completed for them.

I feel numb and anxious all at the same time if that makes sense:confused:. Don't think I will be sleeping much again tonight and I feel so tired. This is the hardest thing I have ever done.



HI

My heart goes out to you, I am so scared like you about putting My Mum in a home, but I know it will be the best thing and only thing that can happen. I gave up work to help Dad look after my My mum and we are both at breaking point and have changed our minds so many times, so apologies but I envy you , that you have turned the page and have been brave enough to take the step you are taking today. It seems to me there are two hard things to face - making the decision , and then carrying it out. You are over the first hurdle so stay strong today , I wish you all the best
 

angecmc

Registered User
Dec 25, 2012
2,108
hertfordshire
Well took a deep breath and gathered my courage for first visit to mum after lunch on Saturday accompanied by my daughter. When we arrived mum was sitting in the lounge reading the newspaper. The two residents either side of her were sleeping. She greeted us quite normally, not over excited or anything. I suggested she move seats so she was actually sitting by someone who was awake and who seemed more 'with it':eek:. The carer told me she had been laughing and joking all morning with another resident. She said mum had settled really well and was a joy to have because she is so jolly and friendly. We stayed for about an hour chatting with another resident and mum in a little group. Mum did not once ask about going home or how long she was staying - her only question was how was the dog as she misses him. Part of me wonders if she actually realises she will not be coming back to us? I came away relieved but slightly sad too - physically and in appearance mum does not seem to fit there but when you speak to her she can no longer hold a conversation and has no short term memory and very little long term either. The staff and home have been wonderful so far but it's hard to accept that this is it for mum. I suppose I need to come to terms with this new chapter in her dementia journey. I hope mum remains contented there - as for me I suppose I just need time.

Wishing all my fellow carers strength xx
Hi Fullmoon, it is so difficult those first few visits, you do find yourself questioning your decision at first as they always seem to improve when first in the care home, but believe me you will start to see the behaviours that led you to have to make that horrible decision you made. I have seen a few posts on here where people have been fooled into thinking their loved ones have improved and taken them back home, only for them to revert back to how they were. You are right you need to give yourself time and yes you will be sad, that is because you care for and love your Mum xx

Ange
 

Marlo

Registered User
Jan 27, 2014
4
Hi there, I am in similar situation to yourself in that we had to put my dear Mum into a nursing home 2 weeks ago. It is heartbreaking but just remember that you are doing the best thing for your Mum.I am pleased to say that Mum has decided to stay 'an extra week' as we originally told her it was just for the 2 weeks. I take every positive I can get at the moment! CHin up and I really hope you're Mum settles in soon xx
 

Dottie 1

Registered User
Sep 11, 2013
42
sometimes I wish there was a 'like' button for some of the comments! We had to put FIL in a care home in November, we were wrecked, but he is settled and content and SAFE which he wasn't with us.

Yes, a full nights sleep is wonderful.

Thank you TPers , Full moon, I'm sure your mum will be ok, and more importantly, so will you x
 

fullmoon

Registered User
May 22, 2013
331
HI

My heart goes out to you, I am so scared like you about putting My Mum in a home, but I know it will be the best thing and only thing that can happen. I gave up work to help Dad look after my My mum and we are both at breaking point and have changed our minds so many times, so apologies but I envy you , that you have turned the page and have been brave enough to take the step you are taking today. It seems to me there are two hard things to face - making the decision , and then carrying it out. You are over the first hurdle so stay strong today , I wish you all the best
Niloc. I totally understand how you feel as the SW originally wanted to place mum back in April - I went to visit many places but just could not make that jump then. It took a further 8 months of 24/7 caring, rapid decline, near burnout and agonising to jump that hurdle!
It's my personal belief that when the sufferer is so far along the journey (as was my mum) they have lost the concept/implications of what is happening, we the carers who have to make the final decision carry that burden and guilt - we shouldn't feel like that I know but often we do. The sad fact is mum is now in her own little world and so is your mum. My mum would not have wanted me to 'break' and I am sure your mum would feel the same. If the time has come for a CH do it before you become ill xx
 

bilslin

Registered User
Jan 17, 2014
762
hertforshire
Hi full moon glad to hear things are going well for you all. Don't think my mum will be long before a CH is needed. So its good to read positive things. Hope you are getting a good nights sleep. linxx
 

fullmoon

Registered User
May 22, 2013
331
Ange and Dottie, it's great to hear from you both because I know you have already both been through this experience and are both just a little further along the road with CH experience. Your advice and wisdom is much appreciated.

Mario, I am glad your mum is 'staying another week' :). It makes the visits so much easier. I hope she continues to do well and you are able to start enjoying life knowing she is safe and well cared for.

I paid mum a second visit today with my son. Home was mentioned today, I am not surprised as I felt it was a bit too easy:rolleyes:. She told me she was not staying I just agreed and chatted about other things. On leaving I told her I needed to get back to work - her reply, 'why can't you work here'. That did make me smile! She seems to have lost her slippers but I am hoping they will turn up as they were labelled - I did mention it to the carers. I am starting to feel slightly more accepting but feel incredibly tired - think all those sleepless nights are catching up with me:eek:
 

fullmoon

Registered User
May 22, 2013
331
Hi full moon glad to hear things are going well for you all. Don't think my mum will be long before a CH is needed. So its good to read positive things. Hope you are getting a good nights sleep. linxx
Lin, I wish you luck look at plenty of places and ask lots of questions. I paid quite a few unannounced visits and took other family members too before deciding. It's such a huge decision.

Sleep is all I seem to want to do ATM!
 

angecmc

Registered User
Dec 25, 2012
2,108
hertfordshire
Ange and Dottie, it's great to hear from you both because I know you have already both been through this experience and are both just a little further along the road with CH experience. Your advice and wisdom is much appreciated.

Mario, I am glad your mum is 'staying another week' :). It makes the visits so much easier. I hope she continues to do well and you are able to start enjoying life knowing she is safe and well cared for.

I paid mum a second visit today with my son. Home was mentioned today, I am not surprised as I felt it was a bit too easy:rolleyes:. She told me she was not staying I just agreed and chatted about other things. On leaving I told her I needed to get back to work - her reply, 'why can't you work here'. That did make me smile! She seems to have lost her slippers but I am hoping they will turn up as they were labelled - I did mention it to the carers. I am starting to feel slightly more accepting but feel incredibly tired - think all those sleepless nights are catching up with me:eek:
Hi, you are doing really well Fullmoon, bless her thinking you could do your work there:D. I have to say in Mum's respite home we got through no end of slippers :( but since she has been in her permanent care home, nothing has gone astray:) That tiredness you are feeling is normal, it is the body saying thank goodness, you have listened and are starting to relax. It is like when you go on a long walk, you don't notice you are tired until you stop. You will get good and bad days with your Mum, even now we still get plenty of bad days, but I know she is in the right place xx

Ange
 

bilslin

Registered User
Jan 17, 2014
762
hertforshire
Lin, I wish you luck look at plenty of places and ask lots of questions. I paid quite a few unannounced visits and took other family members too before deciding. It's such a huge decision.

Sleep is all I seem to want to do ATM!
keep that in mind when the time come Ta hun:)