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The day before the move

fullmoon

Registered User
May 22, 2013
331
The day before the move - Move Day Update

Well tomorrow mum is moving permanently into a CH. Been down this morning to put fresh flowers in her room and sort a few finishing touches. The handyman has put her photos and tv onto the wall and everything look lovely. Felt reassured that one of the staff told me the kitchen is aware mum does not like peas or tuna - it proves they have read through all the information sheets I had completed for them.

I feel numb and anxious all at the same time if that makes sense:confused:. Don't think I will be sleeping much again tonight and I feel so tired. This is the hardest thing I have ever done.
 
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amdamc

Registered User
Dec 16, 2012
37
Essex
Totally understand how you feel and hope this helps....

My mum went into residential care two weeks ago, initially had a problem with accepting personal care, she always has been very private and proud, but with a little time from us she is now getting to know the carers and this week joined in bingo and bowling. On Monday hubby went to visit and was amazed that she had been taken by the carers to the local pub for lunch that day with a few buddies. She didn't rate the food, but hey you can't have it all.

I know this could change on a sixpence but for now she is smiling and actually mixing and participating with others more than she did when living alone.

I know we totally made the right decision and hope your Mum settles, be thinking of you. Off to mums for a cuppa.
Anne
 

angecmc

Registered User
Dec 25, 2012
2,108
hertfordshire
Just want to wish you and your Mum all the best for tomorrow, just keep remembering you are doing this for the sake of your family and also for your Mum who desperately needs the attention and company you can not possibly give her due to your work and family commitments. It is hard but as has been said before there are no winners with this disease, we can only do our best. It may take a while for your Mum to settle in and there may be tears but remember the staff are trained and prepared for this, do not be afraid to ask for their help if Mum is upset, I had to call on them a few times to calm my Mum down and it has taken 7 months to get anywhere near acceptance from her and we still get bad days occasionally but I would not go back to the way things were ever. When you are upset, remember your worst day with her at home and decide which is better. Hope it goes ok for you all take care xx

Ange
 

juicy13

Registered User
Jan 22, 2014
18
I understand how hard this will be for you, but you have done all you can for your mum, I hope your mum settles in well, thinking of you.
 

fullmoon

Registered User
May 22, 2013
331
Thank you all for the reassurance :).

When drying mum after her bath she said, 'I do love you, you are my little girl'. She has not said anything like that in a long time - almost us if she knows, or perhaps that's just my consencious speaking....... So so sad
 

Lizjg

Registered User
Dec 29, 2011
101
Near Newark / Grantam
My mum went into a carehome at the beginning of September so know exactly how you feel. I stayed the night before at my parents house and it's the first time I can really remember seeing my Dad cry. When she first went in she seemed to improve and Dad was trying to think of ways to get her out, I could think of a 100 reasons why she should stay in but only one reason she should come out - and that was he missed her. She has gone rapidly down hill this last couple,of months and really is at the last stage of Vascular dementia, (she isn't really eating or drinking, sleeping alot, can no longer stand un-aided and is semi-incontinent), but the carehome staff are still encouraging her to do as much as possible. Dad now realises he could no longer cope with her at home and she is in the best place to receive the 24 /7 care she needs.
 

dottyd

Registered User
Jan 22, 2011
1,064
n.e.
Thank you all for the reassurance :).

When drying mum after her bath she said, 'I do love you, you are my little girl'. She has not said anything like that in a long time - almost us if she knows, or perhaps that's just my consencious speaking....... So so sad
Aw, that made my eyes fill up!

And I'm quite hard normally :)
 

Vordrak

Account Closed
Jun 12, 2011
10
These things can be very hard. We cared for my grandmother in a nearby sheltered flat for as long as we could, but in the end she was not safe - she kept trying to go to her old house and had to b e accommodated in a residential home. It was a nice one, but it broke our hearts to do it.
 

fullmoon

Registered User
May 22, 2013
331
Move day

Yesterday was an incredibly tough day, not sure anything prepares you for it.

We told mum she was off to a new place for respite which is closer so we can visit whilst we are busy with our business. The explanation went totally over her head, although thankfully she was happy and compliant. I am sure she thought she was off to daycare as she realise 'it was the wrong way' and 'I don't go here'. Run through explanation again, mum calm just confused.

Staff on unit greeted us and we went to her room - after a little while she recognised personal items and photos we had placed there - although she realised they were hers she thought she would have to pay for them.

Meeting with social worker to sign forms lasted all of 5 minutes maximum, told a review would be held in 6 weeks. Mum went to sit in lounge, staff had put her by two chatty residents. She was telling them how I was her only child and enjoying a cup of tea when we left.

Got home, knew I had to go into her little annex to turn off her tv and get the dog - seeing her old slippers and other personal items just started the floodgate of tears I had been holding back.

Later having cup of tea with cousin and husband and CH rang to say mum would be out if I visited later because she wanted to go to the local panto with her two friends, that cheered me :).

Rang around 6pm to ask how everything went. They confirmed she had really enjoyed panto, eaten most of her tea on return but had become a little confused about where her room was. Carer had taken her and mum had told her she liked it there but did not want to sleep there and wanted to go home. Carer had reminded her we were busy and mum had said, 'oh yes ok then'.

Overall, I suppose everything went far better than we could have envisaged and I know mum is safe and everyone seems lovely, it's just so hard and again I feel a sense of grief. Dementia seems to make you lose your loved one over and over again.
 
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pippop1

Registered User
Apr 8, 2013
501
Gosh, that seems to have gone pretty well to me. Not so easy for you maybe but fairly painless for her which is what you were aiming for. I do hope things continue to go as well.
 

angecmc

Registered User
Dec 25, 2012
2,108
hertfordshire
Hi glad it went reasonably well for your Mum, but yes, you are right it is like losing them again, I feel like I am constantly grieving for my Mum. Hope you can enjoy some visits later xx

Ange
 

bilslin

Registered User
Jan 17, 2014
762
hertforshire
Glad things went well for you and your mum. Know what you mean. Losing a little at a time. Sometimes I look at my mum and think where's my mum gone. xx
 

copsham

Registered User
Oct 11, 2012
586
Oxfordshire
Oh Fullmoon how hard it is even when things go "as well as can be expected". Tears are rolling down my face with the sadness for all of us. It is hard even when things are good. I am sure there will be more precious moments. When I last visited my mum she was pleased to see me then said "I think I 'll keep you" :):(:)
 

fullmoon

Registered User
May 22, 2013
331
Thank you all for your kindness, it means so much just to come on here and chat:).

Rang the CH late morning, apparently mum had gone to bed early and then got up at 1.45am saying she needed to sort the dog. This is not unusual mum was up throughout the night at home. Apparently she settled down and later ate her breakfast. She was watching tv when I rang in the lounge.

Tea time a carer rang from the CH she said she wanted to give me an update as she knew what a difficult time it was for me - how thoughtful was that:). Mum had been walking around and talking to lots of different people in the separate lounges, she had asked a couple of times about going home but the carer assured me this is very common. The carer had suggested mum get her hair done as the hairdresser was there and she was apparently sitting in curlers when they rang!

My daughter came home from uni tonight so I think I we will visit tomorrow. I just hope she does not become unsettled or upset and expect to go home - please keep fingers crossed for us!
 
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angecmc

Registered User
Dec 25, 2012
2,108
hertfordshire
Hi, how nice of the carer to call you with an update, sounds like a nice caring home. If you visit tomorrow, I would expect your Mum will probably ask about coming home, so be prepared with your answer e.g. continue with your story about all the work you have on and that she needs to stay there for a while, or you could say that you are having repairs done to her flat. I hope she doesn't but it is always good to be prepared. Hope you have a good visit xx

Ange
 

Dottie 1

Registered User
Sep 11, 2013
42
Have pmd you full moon, been thinking of you and I know how you are feeling. Keep strong, give your kids and husband a cuddle and remember your mum is still there for you to visit with but you need to be well to see her x
 

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