Not been here for a while. Mum fell on Easter weekend fortunately I had just walked in. She broke her shoulder and was ambulanced to hospital. After various hospital moves we transferred her to a nursing home as she is unable to use her right arm and can do nothing for herself. She thinks she has only been there a week where as it has been six weeks so far. She has lots of visitors. At last I know she is safe, well cared for and in good hands. She is still completely in denial about her condition and has no short term memory at all. "where am I? How did I get here? Why am I here?" Is the constant loop. Some evenings I get a call asking to go home and we delay things.... When your shoulder is mended, when you have seen the doctor. She has it fixed in her mind that she has lots of people at home and forgets she has done nothing for herself for the last two years almost. Now my brother wants to take her home with a live in career who he will be interviewing next week. I don't want to be part of this as I am really worried about moving her again. Once she gets home I fear we will get nasty Mum back again (she always resurfaces when she is not in public). She is all sweetness and light to the nurses but is so confused she has not a clue who is going on. She has just been on the phone and has no idea we we there this afternoon and rings demanding I go and get her. So, to move or not to move? None of us know the future but to be honest I DREAD her home coming. On her own territory she will once again become nasty I fear and I worry no carer will stand it. Then there are holidays and breaks to consider. Shopping to be done all sorts of things which I am now finally free from doing. I live near her and my brother is further away and always on holiday. What if we get her home and it all goes wrong? She may well lose her room and then end up in no mans land. She accepts the current home as she is "convalescing while her shoulder mends in a nice private hospital" God what a tangled web we weave..... Because of course there is NOTHING WRONG WITH HER!!! I think moving her is a huge risk. We already had one disaster with another home and now she is content (mostly) apart from her sun downing phone calls. For the sake of saving around 100 pounds a week I think , bringing her home to have a private live in carer is a huge risk. I would really value other opinions and experiences of doing this if anyone is out there please. I just am so scared of rocking the boat. Thank you for your time.
The Cross Roads concerning mum's care. To Move or Not to move
- Thread starter Kerryblue
- Start date
I agree with you (and as others will tell you I often don't agree with care homes if there is a viable alternative but this doesn't seem to me like a good alternative). I am very pro live in carers in some circumstances but i'm surprised it is cheaper than a care home, and in this case it just doesn't seem right, it takes a big settling in process and she won't have the same level of company and she might not even like the live in carer - big risk. She is already so confused and another move might stress her out totally and the fear will bring aggression. Sounds as though the home is good (which is a trick in itself) and that you can easily visit to keep an eye on things and still have a life - I would put my foot down especially as your Brother is not doing 50 50 care!!
Sorry you are having all this stress on top of making a very hard decision.
Others will be along soon
Sorry you are having all this stress on top of making a very hard decision.
Others will be along soon
Hi Kerry. What a very difficult situation for you.
I've just read back over your previous posts. Have you re-read them and showed them to your brother? Sounds to me as if he will be opening one very big can of worms! Is he prepared for the fallout? Do you know what his motives are? Can you put your foot down over this proposal?
I've just read back over your previous posts. Have you re-read them and showed them to your brother? Sounds to me as if he will be opening one very big can of worms! Is he prepared for the fallout? Do you know what his motives are? Can you put your foot down over this proposal?
Does your mother need help at night? Or is she likely to soon? What about the carer's sleep, if so? What about the carer's breaks and time off? Who will be covering those? What if your mother takes a dislike to the carer? Has your brother considered all these things?
I think I would be talking to him on the lines of 'On your own head be it' and making it very clear that HE will be responsible for any fallout, and for picking up any pieces.
Which could well mean forgoing his holidays for the duration, since you will not be deputising for him.
I think I would be talking to him on the lines of 'On your own head be it' and making it very clear that HE will be responsible for any fallout, and for picking up any pieces.
Which could well mean forgoing his holidays for the duration, since you will not be deputising for him.
Hi, Kerry, I recall some of your previous posts. I am sorry to hear about your mother's fall and shoulder fracture and am glad she is in a safe place for now.
Not to make your life harder, but here are some thoughts and questions for you to consider:
Have you asked the doctors/nurses/staff at the place where she is now, about their recommendations for her future level of care? Her (pre-fall) GP? Would she be permitted to go home, without a certain level of care? Would her home need to be assessed by a physical and/or occupational therapist, before she could return there? Is it safe? Would it need any renovations, such as grab bars in the bathroom and so forth? Has the home been assessed and adjustments made to minimize the risk of future falls? If she still showers/bathes, is the shower/tub at floor entry or does she have to step into it? Are there stairs in the home? Can they be blocked off? And the list goes on...
I think that if she does go home, she will need more care than before her fall. If your brother insists on this, then I would tell him that he is solely responsible for hiring and managing the carers, and, frankly, everything else to do with your mother's care. If that's not possible for you, then I would clearly spell out with your brother, before your mother returns home, in writing, exactly what you will and will not be responsible for. I would also make sure the carers have your brother as the emergency contact, and not you!
If there is going to be live-in care, then surely there must be more than one carer, as no one person can be on duty 24/7, 365 days a year and all carers would need breaks. Also, you will need to have a plan for if the carer is sick, on holiday, or just doesn't turn up one day. And if you are not using an agency, there are the issues of payroll, insurance, and so forth to consider. If your brother is willing to manage all of this, fine, but I would be very clear that it is not your problem.
I know it's very difficult to know what to do. Can you take a very deep breath, be as objective as possible, and ask yourself: what is best for my mother? Because at the end of the day, she needs to be in the best place for her, which may or may not be what she wants, or says she wants.
Also keep in mind that it may not be possible, no matter what you do, to make her happy. That is the fault of the dementia, not anything you have or have not done. She could be at home and be miserable, she could be in a care home and be miserable, there is no way to know. But you can decide where she will be safe and best cared for.
I am sorry it is so difficult and hope you can find a way forward, and a way to work with your brother, that keeps your mother safe. Best wishes to you.
Not to make your life harder, but here are some thoughts and questions for you to consider:
Have you asked the doctors/nurses/staff at the place where she is now, about their recommendations for her future level of care? Her (pre-fall) GP? Would she be permitted to go home, without a certain level of care? Would her home need to be assessed by a physical and/or occupational therapist, before she could return there? Is it safe? Would it need any renovations, such as grab bars in the bathroom and so forth? Has the home been assessed and adjustments made to minimize the risk of future falls? If she still showers/bathes, is the shower/tub at floor entry or does she have to step into it? Are there stairs in the home? Can they be blocked off? And the list goes on...
I think that if she does go home, she will need more care than before her fall. If your brother insists on this, then I would tell him that he is solely responsible for hiring and managing the carers, and, frankly, everything else to do with your mother's care. If that's not possible for you, then I would clearly spell out with your brother, before your mother returns home, in writing, exactly what you will and will not be responsible for. I would also make sure the carers have your brother as the emergency contact, and not you!
If there is going to be live-in care, then surely there must be more than one carer, as no one person can be on duty 24/7, 365 days a year and all carers would need breaks. Also, you will need to have a plan for if the carer is sick, on holiday, or just doesn't turn up one day. And if you are not using an agency, there are the issues of payroll, insurance, and so forth to consider. If your brother is willing to manage all of this, fine, but I would be very clear that it is not your problem.
I know it's very difficult to know what to do. Can you take a very deep breath, be as objective as possible, and ask yourself: what is best for my mother? Because at the end of the day, she needs to be in the best place for her, which may or may not be what she wants, or says she wants.
Also keep in mind that it may not be possible, no matter what you do, to make her happy. That is the fault of the dementia, not anything you have or have not done. She could be at home and be miserable, she could be in a care home and be miserable, there is no way to know. But you can decide where she will be safe and best cared for.
I am sorry it is so difficult and hope you can find a way forward, and a way to work with your brother, that keeps your mother safe. Best wishes to you.
Dear Fizzie thank you once again for your help and support. I fear all that you say will happen and I think my brother takes what mum says literally. "I want to go home". She thinks lots of people are at home! There's no one. I am so,grateful for the help from this forum. As people said she will have an accident if left at home and she did. It was luck that I just walked in and my sister in law happened to be there so we could get help. The home is good. The nurses and careers are kind and mum does have some company.
I can see no benefit in bringing her home. Previously I was all for keeping her at home for as long as possible. Key words..... As possible. Thank you Fizzie.
Dear Amy hello again. Thank you for your wise and valid points. I think mum will be miserable where ever she is. There has been no social service involvement at all. The home say it is up to us. My brother signed papers transferring her to permenant resident last week as respite time ran out. I have raised the issue of breaks and days off and he thinks mum can go and stay with another relative who is very kind and has helped out before. I do not agree and think this is wrong. Mum is in the nursing wing of the home Not the dementia wing where she was put in the other home and went crazy to get out. We have got away with this whole fabrication as she thinks she is just there to have help with her broken shoulder . Yesterday we took her for a walk in the garden and she asked who we had come to visit. The carer is recommended by a contact of my brother. She is Lithuanian and is going home for a break for a month before she starts her next job. I have already stated that I don't agree with moving her and cannot step in. I think I shall say this again. Making it really clear. My brother has power of attorney. I will not even go with him to interview this carer. I don't want to be part of it. My 26 year old daughter says give it a try. I just see mayhem! Also she is moving away and has her own busy life as she should so she won't be involved. Brother is planning a trip to Canada soon and had wanted carer in place before they leave. Alarm bells went for me. NO I can't be left to deal with the fall out. I really am worried. Thank you. I am almost back to full time work but still revering from sepsis and kidney failure and 13 hip surgeries last year. I am also being treated for Post Traumatic Stress and cannot take on any more. Thank you for listening. I love my brother and don't want us to fall out but fear it is heading that way. I will be blamed what ever happens. Not by him but by his wife who says I should have just left her in the hospital ward where she could see people. I know my Dad would not have wanted that.
Thank you for your valid points. I have pointed some of these out. I agree. No one person can do it all. If she does then she won't be doing it well! I shall raise all the points you raise again and out in writing. Thank you. If I am honest I feel sorry for the carer too! No agency involved. No back up.
Your brother's plan sounds like a very high risk strategy indeed.
The problem is (all other issues aside) that it WILL end up being you who has to deal with the fallout if problems occur when your brother swans off to Canada.
Is the "other relative" you mention prepared and willing for their role in all this? Even if they are, shunting your Mum back and forth when the live-in carer has a day off sounds like an accident waiting to happen.
Is some sort of compromise possible? Engaging the services of a brace of properly trained live-in carers, through an agency? So that days off are covered etc etc.
The problem is (all other issues aside) that it WILL end up being you who has to deal with the fallout if problems occur when your brother swans off to Canada.
Is the "other relative" you mention prepared and willing for their role in all this? Even if they are, shunting your Mum back and forth when the live-in carer has a day off sounds like an accident waiting to happen.
Is some sort of compromise possible? Engaging the services of a brace of properly trained live-in carers, through an agency? So that days off are covered etc etc.
Kerry you have been really unwell and this is simply not fair on you in any way that I can see. I just had a thought, as your brother is going to Canada soon can you plead sickness, inability to cope, whatever it takes with a letter from your doc if necessary to say you are unable to step in, and suggest to him that you leave her where she is until he returns and you can both work together (no intention but play him at his own game) to do the best for her.
Perhaps you could add to this to your brother that it is really difficult to find a good placement and if you move her she may have to go to dementia at the next stage which won't suit her.
If that doesn't work you may have to rever to Plan B and put your foot firmly down.
Thinking of you
Perhaps you could add to this to your brother that it is really difficult to find a good placement and if you move her she may have to go to dementia at the next stage which won't suit her.
If that doesn't work you may have to rever to Plan B and put your foot firmly down.
Thinking of you
Hi Kerryblue
lots of folk are fooled by the "I want to go home" phrase
suggest to your brother that he follow up your mum's saying this by asking (gently) additional questions eg where is home? who else is at home? who are your neighbours? what do you do for yourself at home? how often do you go out? who visits you? ......
the answers may be revealing
and provide some perspective on what she 'wants' and what is now needed for her welfare
lots of folk are fooled by the "I want to go home" phrase
suggest to your brother that he follow up your mum's saying this by asking (gently) additional questions eg where is home? who else is at home? who are your neighbours? what do you do for yourself at home? how often do you go out? who visits you? ......
the answers may be revealing
and provide some perspective on what she 'wants' and what is now needed for her welfare
Hello Kerryblue
You have been through too much already. In order of importance I would put YOU first, Mum second, your brother third and his wife fourth.
You are absolutely right to step back but obviously not abandon your mum - she needs specialist dementia care - not occasional help from a neighbour or old friend.
Having to cross swords with a brother or sister over a parent just add's another layer of difficulty to an already challenging situation.
I would like to know whether your brother's intended decision to move mum back home is being made on the grounds of her demands, financial or some other criteria?
Hope you manage to keep on top of your health through this difficult period.
You have been through too much already. In order of importance I would put YOU first, Mum second, your brother third and his wife fourth.
You are absolutely right to step back but obviously not abandon your mum - she needs specialist dementia care - not occasional help from a neighbour or old friend.
Having to cross swords with a brother or sister over a parent just add's another layer of difficulty to an already challenging situation.
I would like to know whether your brother's intended decision to move mum back home is being made on the grounds of her demands, financial or some other criteria?
Hope you manage to keep on top of your health through this difficult period.
Kerryblue, I could have written your post in many respects... my dad fell and broke his shoulder last year, became very confused and is now living in a (lovely) care home. It took a long time for him to stop asking about his old home (actually, it still comes up, maybe every other visit). He's not completely happy where he is, I doubt he ever will be, but he does seems to have accepted it.
I agree that it would be best to leave your mum where she is, once everything is considered. A broken shoulder may never heal fully and a combination of the mobility issues it causes plus the progression of the dementia means she's safer and better cared for in the care home. It must be so difficult for you, because of your brother's differing opinion... I hope you can both resolve this... maybe it'll just take a little more time, or plain speaking? Failing that I would personally be tempted to back away for a while and leave the situation to others. Hard but necessary for your own wellbeing. Take care x
I agree that it would be best to leave your mum where she is, once everything is considered. A broken shoulder may never heal fully and a combination of the mobility issues it causes plus the progression of the dementia means she's safer and better cared for in the care home. It must be so difficult for you, because of your brother's differing opinion... I hope you can both resolve this... maybe it'll just take a little more time, or plain speaking? Failing that I would personally be tempted to back away for a while and leave the situation to others. Hard but necessary for your own wellbeing. Take care x
Hi Kerry
It looks like you are going to have to speak plainly on this issue. Perhaps you could write a long letter to your brother that includes all the questions and issues that have been brought up on this thread (from Carer's PAYE and holidays, to the other relatives involvement) and ask how he intends to manage these issues from Canada.
Explain that you have been ill, you believe your mother is in the best place at the moment and because of this you will NOT be responsible for anything that arises from the care of your mum. You will be there to visit as a daughter and nothing else.
Maybe if he looks at this long complex list of problems and queries he will think twice. He probably has no real insight into what is involved.
It looks like you are going to have to speak plainly on this issue. Perhaps you could write a long letter to your brother that includes all the questions and issues that have been brought up on this thread (from Carer's PAYE and holidays, to the other relatives involvement) and ask how he intends to manage these issues from Canada.
Explain that you have been ill, you believe your mother is in the best place at the moment and because of this you will NOT be responsible for anything that arises from the care of your mum. You will be there to visit as a daughter and nothing else.
Maybe if he looks at this long complex list of problems and queries he will think twice. He probably has no real insight into what is involved.
Hi,was just thinking how grateful I am for this forum. I tried to go to sleep but as usual awake again. Everyone is so helpful. It's a lonely place to be. You have a person there you can feel them and touch them but they are not there. It's evil and horrific and cruel and I'm angry. You can't look back. Just take it a day at a time.
In answer to your question my brother and daughter met the carer last week. I have since found out that my brother has arranged for her to move in and start looking after mum while he goes away for a month which is exactly what I was afraid of. I raised this with him and he said my daughter was going to pack her room up and bring her home.
I am keeping right out of it. I feel so worried and upset and so stressed over it all. Visited mum yesterday at the nursing bit of her home. She was happily chatting in the dining room. Then involved in activities. She was enjoying her food and had people with her.
All this will be gone. Her idea of home is what now I wonder?
I was just thinking of saying to brother please don't bring her home until Canada trip is over. He is also away next week too. My daughter moves back out again tomorrow and I am afraid. It's all too much. As I said before why oh why does he listen to her saying she wants to go home? She told my daughter she did not know if she lived in a house or a flat. Oh what to do. I read all your advice and agree with it all. I was back in hospital last Saturday for another procedure all caused by spetacemia last year. I am exhausted but so grateful to be alive. So worried about moving mum. I tried to talk to my brother again this morning. He came to see me for ten minutes. He also saw mum. He just says "Well she wants to go home". Thanks for listening to my ramblings! Work tomorrow early and still the mind whirs. Mum actually seemed happy yesterday. She is slipping further away from us but still keepin up appearances and loves the attention. She behaves in the home. Why rock the boat? Why? She still only thinks she has been there for two weeks!
Thanks all. Love to each and everyone of you walking through this unknown journey.
My experiences of care at home, after my Mothers stay in hospital are not good I'm afraid. Summary, UTI, 8 weeks in hospital, then a choice of 24 hour live in care at £810 plus expenses and food per week or a nursing home. My choice would have been the latter.
Despite making all the changes to My mums house that the care agency requested, the carers did not like the environment. And when my mother started becoming aggressive near the end of week 2 , we were advised to get her sectioned under part 2 of the MHA. Mum is still in the unit, far better looked after than she was at home and will hopefully be in a nursing home soon.
Good luck and hope it works out better for you than the above.
Despite making all the changes to My mums house that the care agency requested, the carers did not like the environment. And when my mother started becoming aggressive near the end of week 2 , we were advised to get her sectioned under part 2 of the MHA. Mum is still in the unit, far better looked after than she was at home and will hopefully be in a nursing home soon.
Good luck and hope it works out better for you than the above.
Thankyou. I am so sorry you had to go through all that. I am powerless. My brother's mind is made up and the the arrangements made.
I am going to keep out of it. I fear the worse. Once she is on her own home ground she will revert to type. Who is this woman in my house. Where am I , I don't need help' I do everything for myself etc etc. I think the carer will leave. So I asked my brother what if carer leaves. I'll never be able to move her! And he will be in Canada.
So I already fear I will have to have her sectioned. I don't think she even remembers home! She just keeps asking to go home and brother takes her at her word.
My daughter has agreed to go along with it all physically move her home. What a mess. All I can do now is step back.
Thank you so much for your help.
If anyone else has been through this I would love to hear their stories. How many people,TAKE someone out of a good care home? Why why? It was only hospital and accident that allowed us to finally get her into a nursing home after a disaster ours attempt before! Anyway rant over. Thankyou again.
Denial
Many people are in denial about how bad their parents have become. They are so close that they just cannot see it. They just put it down to old age. They are very wrong!
When my Mum came out of hospital to go to her own home, unfortunately she did not even recognize it as her own. She thought home was 250 miles away where she was brought up some 70 years ago.
I have never heard of someone being taken out of a care home unless they are in thier final days
There is a danger that if it fails and you did not help then your brother will say, its your fault as you did not help. I thought my mother should go straight into a NH from hospital. My brother and closest in distance, relationship and main carer had decided on Mums home. I swallowed my pride, kept my mouth shut and pitched in for a month prepping the house ( new laundry, flooring, deep clean etc). Then as I had predicted to myself and my wife, Mum rejected all help including the carers, three in two weejs., OT, SS, DN and finally after getting two psychiatrists a nurse and a care manager shee was asessed and hauled off. All this could have been avoided by going directly to a NH.
Moral: You know what's going to happen, but often its better to be seen helping as it will give you more clout at the next stage.
I have barely been on speaking terms with my brother for many years and consider many of the decisions he took or influenced ref my Mum to have contributed to her demise.
Surprise, surprise, I was the one at the house when my mother was dragged away by two eastern European heavies, not my brother.
Many people are in denial about how bad their parents have become. They are so close that they just cannot see it. They just put it down to old age. They are very wrong!
When my Mum came out of hospital to go to her own home, unfortunately she did not even recognize it as her own. She thought home was 250 miles away where she was brought up some 70 years ago.
I have never heard of someone being taken out of a care home unless they are in thier final days
There is a danger that if it fails and you did not help then your brother will say, its your fault as you did not help. I thought my mother should go straight into a NH from hospital. My brother and closest in distance, relationship and main carer had decided on Mums home. I swallowed my pride, kept my mouth shut and pitched in for a month prepping the house ( new laundry, flooring, deep clean etc). Then as I had predicted to myself and my wife, Mum rejected all help including the carers, three in two weejs., OT, SS, DN and finally after getting two psychiatrists a nurse and a care manager shee was asessed and hauled off. All this could have been avoided by going directly to a NH.
Moral: You know what's going to happen, but often its better to be seen helping as it will give you more clout at the next stage.
I have barely been on speaking terms with my brother for many years and consider many of the decisions he took or influenced ref my Mum to have contributed to her demise.
Surprise, surprise, I was the one at the house when my mother was dragged away by two eastern European heavies, not my brother.
