Hello again after a while,
I have not been posting much as since putting Monique into a care home some 2 months ago I did not feel like it - did not feel I had anything new to say.
In posting this I am not looking for sympathy or support - just felt I wanted to 'record' how it has gone...
It really is an painful and surprising sleigh ride putting somebody you care for into a home. The surprising bit is that it is harder and more painful than one imagines.
Monique went 'in' OK - a few more lies and sleight of hand and she was through the door and accepting that she was in there for her health... Like lots of others I have heard about she went downhill quite a bit in the first week... Lost weight and quickly came to wear incontinence 'pants' which she had not 'really' needed before... She was a very sick bunny.
Me? A wreck - seriously considered getting her out and bringing her home. On the drive back - during the days that followed... Very stressed out. Common sense said that it was the right thing but emotionally very difficult to cope with. I also did not know how to handle my 'freedom' - the ability to go out without looking at my watch all the time so I would not be late to take over from the SS carer(s). Living alone in the house was also 'odd'.
The guilt problem is that by condemning Monique to a madhouse environment I was liberating myself -- that monkey can sure run riot!
Since the first week or so to now Monique has had some bad times and better times. One vast improvement is that the doctor who looks after a lot of the people in the home interviewed her with me present and following my 'concerns' about the tranquilisers she was on has changed the medications. Brilliant! A shame the neurologist she had when she was with me was not as enlightened. She is much less depressed - can smile sometimes even. She is still 'thrilled' to see me although I doubt she really knows precisely who I am.. another friend visits regularly and gets an OK reception from Monique and by comparing notes I am pretty sure I am 'special'... That actually makes it harder.
The excellent sociologist who 'runs' the place warned me it could take 2-3 months for Monique to settle... She also stated that every body (50) in the establishment knew they were in there for memory/Alzheimer's problems and recently I have told Monique that is why she is there... It is good not to lie although lies did seem the only way to go when she was at home... The sociologist uses a (American) technique of turning the patient's questions/demands back into a question so that the patient has to find a reason for wanting/not wanting/demanding... and the next response is another question from the carer.. does seem to work but is of course a 'sleight of hand'.. The good thing about a non lieing environment in the home is that I totally believe what ever they tell me about Monique.. No rose coloured 'kindly' spectacles - just the truth..
Monique is of course still not settled totally and would like out... But when she was with me she wanted to 'go home' all the time as well. Couldn't wait for her parents to come and get her... Same fantasy - different scenario I think (hope)
She is beginning to make 'friends' with other patients. Very difficult for Alzheimer's people to have friends as a conversation is impossible but a situation of friendly recognition does appear to happen. Her health has improved as has her walking. The incontinence is more 'accidental' than just a 'letting go'!!! I am optimistic that in another month or so she will be totally institutionalised and content that the home is her home...
Me? Its really mixed... I do dread the visits.. so painful if she is a bit lucid and wants 'Michael' to take her out of the place - help her escape... does not want me to leave when the time comes.. Other times we sit on some chairs in one of the 'gardens' exterior areas looking over some sand dunes to a beach and the sea - works well for me as I can 'bunny' on about lighthouses, sailboats, far shores etc... I do not have conversations but rather talk at her until she decides she needs to go to the loo and we go back inside.. Often then she becomes tired and lays on her bed and I can say 'au revoir' and slip away... to resume this odd life I now have - bit hard to put it all back together... cannot sail off into the sunset because its now winter and the visits keep me close although I am 'travelling' more... It is and will be hard to put back together a reasonable interesting life but by no means impossible......
Crikey! Bit of a novel all that... Just wanted to pass on the experience for what its worth and join with all the other folks on this forum who have a guilt monkey over the 'care' home problem and say it is not easy... even when you have done the deed... but .... probably takes a while ..........
Michael
I have not been posting much as since putting Monique into a care home some 2 months ago I did not feel like it - did not feel I had anything new to say.
In posting this I am not looking for sympathy or support - just felt I wanted to 'record' how it has gone...
It really is an painful and surprising sleigh ride putting somebody you care for into a home. The surprising bit is that it is harder and more painful than one imagines.
Monique went 'in' OK - a few more lies and sleight of hand and she was through the door and accepting that she was in there for her health... Like lots of others I have heard about she went downhill quite a bit in the first week... Lost weight and quickly came to wear incontinence 'pants' which she had not 'really' needed before... She was a very sick bunny.
Me? A wreck - seriously considered getting her out and bringing her home. On the drive back - during the days that followed... Very stressed out. Common sense said that it was the right thing but emotionally very difficult to cope with. I also did not know how to handle my 'freedom' - the ability to go out without looking at my watch all the time so I would not be late to take over from the SS carer(s). Living alone in the house was also 'odd'.
The guilt problem is that by condemning Monique to a madhouse environment I was liberating myself -- that monkey can sure run riot!
Since the first week or so to now Monique has had some bad times and better times. One vast improvement is that the doctor who looks after a lot of the people in the home interviewed her with me present and following my 'concerns' about the tranquilisers she was on has changed the medications. Brilliant! A shame the neurologist she had when she was with me was not as enlightened. She is much less depressed - can smile sometimes even. She is still 'thrilled' to see me although I doubt she really knows precisely who I am.. another friend visits regularly and gets an OK reception from Monique and by comparing notes I am pretty sure I am 'special'... That actually makes it harder.
The excellent sociologist who 'runs' the place warned me it could take 2-3 months for Monique to settle... She also stated that every body (50) in the establishment knew they were in there for memory/Alzheimer's problems and recently I have told Monique that is why she is there... It is good not to lie although lies did seem the only way to go when she was at home... The sociologist uses a (American) technique of turning the patient's questions/demands back into a question so that the patient has to find a reason for wanting/not wanting/demanding... and the next response is another question from the carer.. does seem to work but is of course a 'sleight of hand'.. The good thing about a non lieing environment in the home is that I totally believe what ever they tell me about Monique.. No rose coloured 'kindly' spectacles - just the truth..
Monique is of course still not settled totally and would like out... But when she was with me she wanted to 'go home' all the time as well. Couldn't wait for her parents to come and get her... Same fantasy - different scenario I think (hope)
She is beginning to make 'friends' with other patients. Very difficult for Alzheimer's people to have friends as a conversation is impossible but a situation of friendly recognition does appear to happen. Her health has improved as has her walking. The incontinence is more 'accidental' than just a 'letting go'!!! I am optimistic that in another month or so she will be totally institutionalised and content that the home is her home...
Me? Its really mixed... I do dread the visits.. so painful if she is a bit lucid and wants 'Michael' to take her out of the place - help her escape... does not want me to leave when the time comes.. Other times we sit on some chairs in one of the 'gardens' exterior areas looking over some sand dunes to a beach and the sea - works well for me as I can 'bunny' on about lighthouses, sailboats, far shores etc... I do not have conversations but rather talk at her until she decides she needs to go to the loo and we go back inside.. Often then she becomes tired and lays on her bed and I can say 'au revoir' and slip away... to resume this odd life I now have - bit hard to put it all back together... cannot sail off into the sunset because its now winter and the visits keep me close although I am 'travelling' more... It is and will be hard to put back together a reasonable interesting life but by no means impossible......
Crikey! Bit of a novel all that... Just wanted to pass on the experience for what its worth and join with all the other folks on this forum who have a guilt monkey over the 'care' home problem and say it is not easy... even when you have done the deed... but .... probably takes a while ..........
Michael