1. Lavender45

    Lavender45 Registered User

    Jun 7, 2015
    1,598
    Liverpool
    Since mum started to have significant memory problems we have played the blame game. I'm sure I'm not the only one in this situation, but maybe others cope better than me?

    12 months ago mum's memory was wobbly. Today I don't think there is a word to describe how poor her memory had become. Recent events or activities cannot be remembered minutes after they happened and blanks are sometimes filled in with a very vivid imagination. Older events are also increasingly hazy too. Mum has blamed me for her problems saying if I hadn't gone out to work full time leaving her at home during the day her memory would be fine. I know its not that simple, but its not a nice thing to hear.

    Mum moves things about constantly and instantly forgets where she has put them, so its my fault, eg today she wanted to swap purses, which she did, but then she instantly couldn't find her notes, so what had I done with them? Its so sad, but also so frustrating, its hard not to take it personally. I've read the thread on compassionate communication, but I struggle when I'm blamed for everything under the sun.

    How do others cope with bring constantly at fault, I just find it so demoralizing.
     
  2. beverrino

    beverrino Registered User

    Jan 12, 2015
    1,111
    Hi, I am sorry to hear of the problems you are having. It must be very difficult for you, but what you have to remember is that it is not your mum, but the terrible disease. I would imagine she will have forgotten what she has said to you more or less as soon as she has said it.
    I think (and this is just my opinion) that the blame element is some sort of way of her trying to hang onto a bit of control in her life. Unfortunately at your expense, but you must try not to take this too personally.
    My mum sometimes has a go at me for such minor things and it is very hurtful when all we do is our best to help, but it is all quickly forgotten.
    Please try not to let it upset you, though I know this is difficult. I take the blame for things I have no control over, but it pacifies her, and to me that's the most important thing. Best wishes x
     
  3. hoby cat

    hoby cat Registered User

    Jan 26, 2014
    6
    North Devon
    Hi, I know exactly how you feel some days I can cope with it and other days I just want to answer back. Today is a bad day mum has spotted us packing the car to go on holiday for a week, we have told that my sister is coming to stay with her. But we are getting evil looks and she told me that I don't love her and perhaps the lady coming (her daughter) will be better than me. I know its the Alzheimer's but its hard to take sometimes. Stay strong x
     
  4. RedLou

    RedLou Registered User

    Jul 30, 2014
    1,162
    Lavender - when my father began to blame me for things I very forcefully but calmly told him exactly how inaccurate that was, where he should take responsibility and that I would step back and leave the authorities to take charge.
    I did not see why I should become a victim to bullying, which is what it is, even if dementia is doing the bullying. I would not have allowed anyone to treat me that way in the past and felt it was integral to my mental health not to allow it as I had no idea how many years I would have to put up with it.
    It actually worked fairly successfully. He backed off.
    The key word is calm. I think you have to draw a line between not putting up with any old rubbish and actually beginning to be angry or unpleasant towards whatever remains of your loved one beyond the dementia.
    Hope this makes sense.
     
  5. Lavender45

    Lavender45 Registered User

    Jun 7, 2015
    1,598
    Liverpool
    Thanks everyone. Mum has been clearing out the under stairs cupboard and everything is on the move again. Sadly it wont be long before she forgets she's tidied in there so the next round of the blame game will start fairly soon. I'm trying not to let it bother me, but at times it does get me down and then I want to scream. I find TP brilliant to have a virtual scream!

    Hope you're all having a good Sunday.

    Lavender x
     
  6. Tin

    Tin Registered User

    May 18, 2014
    4,829
    UK
    Similar day here, I keep trying to put things away, but mum keeps bringing things out and then blames me for making a mess. Mum just seems to have one thought and that is to do household chores and I do try to enable her with this by leaving odd things around for her to tidy, but sometimes its all too much for me, especially when I have to tidy up after her again and again plus the knowledge of knowing that she will never be satisfied with whatever she has done, because she has forgotten that she has done it!
     
  7. Lavender45

    Lavender45 Registered User

    Jun 7, 2015
    1,598
    Liverpool
    I think our mothers could well be related. My mum literally cannot sit still, though mine is a bit of a hoarder too. She cannot resist odd things like bits of old wire, she really likes that, but almost anything else as well all stored away as you never know when it might come in handy.
     
  8. Kid John

    Kid John Registered User

    Jun 17, 2015
    2
    Thank you all for your comments and Colorful Descriptions of your difficulties...

    My mother is going through this very same thing, and she always finds me responsible for taking things, and what I cook for her is never anything but complete garbage...

    I thought it was somehow my fault for years, but now I understand...

    I do not deal well with the nasty accusations, but I feel much better knowing that I am Not Alone.... THANK YOU ALL...
     
  9. Lavender45

    Lavender45 Registered User

    Jun 7, 2015
    1,598
    Liverpool
    You are definitely not alone I find it really hard to be constantly at fault. It's demoralizing. I think there are a lot of us in a similar position. Hope a (((hug))) helps a little.

    Lavender
     
  10. Kid John

    Kid John Registered User

    Jun 17, 2015
    2
    Knowing that you all understand and have walked in my shoes means a lot, and it gives me back my self-worth... Thank You...
     
  11. Sooty2

    Sooty2 Registered User

    Jun 1, 2015
    30
    I do agree to a point, my husband made a stand with his mother after continual accusations about stealing her money, and belongings, (we still get these now), but she has this notion after being a very dominant person for a very long time that everyone feared her and she could do as she liked, and did before the dementia set in. She made awful comments about everyone, even to the point that she didn't see why they wasted money lowering the floors on buses for disabled people they've always managed before, yep that's exactly what she was like. Fed up of the continual accusations he stood firm, and told her in no uncertain terms that if his dad was alive he would say what utter rubbish she was spouting, it seems harsh yes I suppose it is the illness but sometimes it is very hard to deal with.
     
  12. Lavender45

    Lavender45 Registered User

    Jun 7, 2015
    1,598
    Liverpool
    Hi

    I agree Sooty2 it is every hard. I've been reading a thread on here about empathy and its so familiar. Mum was never a particularly caring person, but now she doesn't give a hoot what she says.

    The endlessness of being constantly at fault is draining. Most of what I've read says enter the world of the person with dementia because they cannot return to our world, but I really struggle with entering a world were everything is my fault. In the past few days I have told mum to stop a few times, I think she was shocked. Mum was domineering before her illness so being contradicted is a new experience for her, but there have to be some boundaries for my own sanity.
     
  13. Sooty2

    Sooty2 Registered User

    Jun 1, 2015
    30
    I absolutely agree Lavender45, for us we go on accepting blame to keep the peace but it doesn't, and sometimes challenging her has really taken the wind out of her sails, I agree sometimes for our own sanity we have to do this. I think it makes it harder because no one not even the memory clinic has a suggestion of how were supposed to cope, accept the blame they say, doesn't pacify her, don't accept it, doesn't pacify her and shes rude and aggressive and draining, the only consolation I have is that we are not the only ones and its this forum that has reassured us of that. To be fair we have it mildly compared to some I suppose.
     
  14. Lavender45

    Lavender45 Registered User

    Jun 7, 2015
    1,598
    Liverpool
    You're right it's reassuring to find that others are either in the same boat, or have been there and already collected the badge.

    That fact we have it mildly (which is true) compared with what others are going through terrifies me. I struggle now, the future is scary, but what can we do, we're all in this for the long haul.

    Lavender x
     

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