The aftermath of being sectioned

Discussion in 'I care for a person with dementia' started by bdmid, Dec 10, 2015.

  1. bdmid

    bdmid Registered User

    Dec 4, 2013
    It's about 6 weeks since that awful day when mum was sectioned after battling with her for over 3years. It was an horrendous experience which has left me with so much guilt even though I know it had to happen for all of our sakes. We were advised not,to see her for the first couple of weeks, which was really hard, to go from caring all day, every day, I was feeling list and didn't know what to do with myself, how silly is that?. I don't know what I was expecting, I thought once in the capable hands of the professionals she would improve a bit, or be a bit more under control, Sadly not to be, even the staff have told us they find mum 'challenging' and how on earth did we cope. They have found that she has psychotic dementia, with frontal lobe, which does explain all the aggression. I ask myself how did we cope every day, but you do don't you hoping the next day will be better but it doesn't happen. It's the guilt I'm finding hard to cope with, my brain tells me it was the right thing to do, but my heart is in shreds seeing it happen, and after each visit when she constantly tells me ' it's all your fault, you put me in here', I know she doesn't mean it but it still hurts. She is refusing drugs to help with the psychosis so nothing much has changed. At the moment no care home will take her, so it's another vicious circle, no drugs, no home but mum doesn't understand she is her own worst enemy, she still believes there's nothing wrong with her. At today's visit I was asked to perhaps cut visits shorter to see if that helps. There's no right or wrong way to do this it's another learning curve that even the professionals struggle with dementia patients, so what chance did we have? This forum has so helped me, being able to just put things into words does relieve the guilt for a while, or if it helps someone else who may be going through the same.
  2. lin1

    lin1 Registered User

    Jan 14, 2010
    East Kent
    Hello bdmid.
    I am sorry you are having to go through this. I wish I could kick that rotten guilt monster off your shoulder and stamp on it, sadly all I can do is give you one of these
  3. tigerlady

    tigerlady Registered User

    Nov 29, 2015
    It was the worst day of my life when my husband was sectioned and I still havent got over it - it was 18 months ago. I dont think you ever get over the guilt - you just have to somehow learn to live with it. As my husband was quite far advanced he had no awareness of where he was or why but on every visit wanted to come home with me. He is in a good care home now - he was a builder and he thinks he built it and that he is still there working - but it took a long time to find one that could accept his aggression. He still keeps saying he wants to go home. Trouble is that was all he said when he was at home - home is somewhere in his head that only exists there - its so hard to deal with. I'm the only one he says it to though - I trigger it - and when I'm not there they say he is quite settled so maybe visiting your mother less might make her more settled. As you say, its still all trial and error as there are so many forms of dementia

    This forum is very good and I wish i had discovered it earlier - writing things down and getting the support of others in the same situation is a sort of relief. I am sure things will settle down in the end - big hugs to you and stay strong xxx
  4. angelface

    angelface Registered User

    Oct 8, 2011
    Find something heavy to hit that guilt monster with!

    Sending you lots of support.
  5. Sterling

    Sterling Registered User

    Jun 20, 2013
    #5 Sterling, Dec 10, 2015
    Last edited: Dec 10, 2015
    You could be writing my post!! I am in exactly the same boat and have been drowning in the worry of the situation. Today we had the discharge meeting with the consultant, OT, and Social worker, that I was dreading but it seems to have turned out ok? They listened and took on board my fears and added their own concerns. My mum is in complete denial and is desperate to go home but it is not safe for her to live on her own. If I don't do what she wants she turns nasty and of course of all of this hospital stay is my fault
  6. Amy in the US

    Amy in the US Registered User

    Feb 28, 2015
    Sterling, I just wanted to say that in January and February of this year I was in the same boat with a mother in hospital in denial about her condition (or not able to understand or whatever; she was insistent there was "nothing wrong" with her), and blaming everything on me.

    (Yeah, right, Mother, it's my fault you have dementia, my fault you didn't look after yourself before the dementia, my fault you fell down and hurt yourself, my fault you were found wandering in the cold with no coat and hallucinating and disoriented, and my fault you were taken to hospital to get checked out. Right. Also, I've kidnapped you, stuck you here against your will when there is no reason for you to be here, and stolen all your money. Hours and hours and hours on end of that, alternating with the most amazing confabulations and some plain old delusions.)

    I just want to say that while we moved my mother directly from hospital to the care home (my mother was assessed in hospital and it was determined she could not live alone and needed residential care) she was, in fact, very nasty and unpleasant about it, but this has gotten much better over the past ten months that she's been in the care home. If anyone had told me then that this could work out, I wouldn't have believed them. Of course nobody can predict how things will work out in your situation, but I do want to say that if you can be open to the idea that it could be okay, that might help you. At a minimum it was a huge relief to me to know my mother was SAFE, warm, fed, clean, given the right medications, and looked after.

    bdmid, I'm sorry to hear about your situation as well. It's especially challenging that your mother is refusing medications. I think it takes a lot of strength and courage to come and post about your experience and I think others will find it helpful, so I wanted to thank you.

    The only advice I can offer is to try to whack that guilt monster until it shuts up (sometimes chocolate helps, if that's your thing), and remember TP is always open.
  7. Sterling

    Sterling Registered User

    Jun 20, 2013
    Thank you for your reassuring words Amy, it is very much appreciated!!
  8. JuneG

    JuneG Registered User

    Dec 11, 2015
    Mum in denial

    Gosh it was so reassuring to read some of this. My mum has dementia but has sufficient periods of lucidity to totally refuse to believe there is anything wrong, and to try to manipulate anyone who has ever come to try to assess her. She's red hot on dates and prime ministers and what year it is.... just wants to know why she's living with 'that old man' when her husband is a 'nice young man', why my sister is stealing all her money, and how dare we treat her with such callousness after all she has sacrificed for us.

    My sister bears the brunt of it all as she lives nearby, together with my fortunately very fit 91 year old Dad. Dad is at the end of his tether as she is increasingly 'out of it' and he can't always copw with her unpleasantness and permanent questions about why she's in this strange house, and where's her mum and dad etc etc. My sis hets called when things go completely awry and I get called (100 miles away) when poor sister is at screaming point.

    My mum can get herself up, dress and wash herself, feed herself. Fortunately she's not mobile or she would be a serious wanderer. She refuses to consider lasting power of attorney, she wont contemplate carers coming into the house - even a sitting service - and my Dad supports her when she is lucid so it all gets really impossible. Even though when she in not in control he clearly wants 'something' done.:eek:
    You have no idea how just writing this down helps. Or maybe you do.
  9. loveahug

    loveahug Registered User

    Nov 28, 2012
    Moved to Leicester
    Hi June, welcome to TP, the home of rocks and hard places! While your dad is struggling to maintain (in his eyes) their dignity and respect you will have a very hard battle on your hands. You can try and ask him how mum will cope if he gets ill and it is a kindness to her if he gets her used to people helping while he is around the assist the process. Its good that you can be around to back up your sister, even at a distance.

    Any time you need a shoulder to cry on or words of wisdom from the lovely people on here, don't hesitate to ask. They have been my lifeline.

    Hugs x
  10. usedup

    usedup Registered User

    Aug 5, 2014
    West Berkshire
    For bdmid and others

    Found your thread by accident after going through "I have a partner" etc. Some cases here very like mine - 83 years old and sole carer for demented wife. Thankfully not yet physically violent but great wanderer. Convinced parents are alive and long car journeys demanded to find "home". Each day I wake up asking myself will it be a wandering day or not. Hard to fix appointments with care staff because we may be out wandering when they arrive. Sometimes says "Stop here and I will walk". Bought her a high-visibility jacket and found it on railings outside a strange house where she had hoped to get directions to her parents. Thank heaven owners were out.

    TP can be very helpful in getting suggestions. It is all trial and error but if you don't have ideas to try you can't get the error - or maybe sometimes success.
  11. bdmid

    bdmid Registered User

    Dec 4, 2013
    Thank you so much for these comments you do feel as though your the only one going thro it, and yes your right I'm told mum is much worse when and after I visit but It's hard thinking of her there on her own, being scared but again, as you've said she was the same at home, not wanting to be there, wanting to be elsewhere. It helps to know these things happen and take time to get over, hugs very great fully received!!
  12. Amy in the US

    Amy in the US Registered User

    Feb 28, 2015
    Sterling, you are most welcome. I have gotten so much support and help here from TP, I can't even tell you. Mind you, the support groups I attend in person are great as well, but this one is always open!

    JuneG, welcome to TP. I do indeed know how much of a relief it can be just to write some of the "stuff" down, rather than have it buzz round and round in your head. My mother also has some lucidity, and there are those moments when I think, "oh, she's better now," or even "maybe she doesn't have dementia and this is all wrong and I should let her go back home and I'm a terrible daughter." I don't have those moments as often or as strongly now, but it is very upsetting when it happens. Before my mother was hospitalized and determined to require a the care home (the American version of sectioning in the UK, as far as I can tell), she lived a hundred miles from me, and I was making that drive anywhere from once a month to twice a week, and it was killing me. So I have an idea what you're talking about.

    bdmid, yes, I know what you mean about feeling isolated and the only one experiencing what I'm coming to think of as living on "Planet Dementia." It's a horrible feeling and one of the biggest moments of relief I had was finding TP. I remember coming across it when I was trying to research dementia and mild cognitive impairment and Alzheimer's, and reading here for hours, and crying hysterically when I finally realised, I was not alone. I know it's so hard, and I'm sorry.

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