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The Adventures of Poppet & Other Stories

Bikerbeth

Registered User
Feb 11, 2019
1,552
Bedford
For what it is worth in my opinion, the times you have mentioned that you have got a smile or a laugh from one of your clients or left them feeling a bit better because you took time to chat with them says it all. You are doing a good job.
ingenious dog washing set up too.
I am glad that you managed to talk to brother albeit so short.
People in supermarket crowding others space and brothers wife - no words can really express it. So absolutely selfish and ignorant.:mad:
Take care and I hope you have all the PPE you need
 

Sam Luvit

Registered User
Oct 19, 2016
5,967
East Sussex
Thank you @Woo2, I need the voice of reason, as I’m not feeling reasonable.

I am listening to the clients. Most are beyond the social pressure of “keeping up appearances”, they sure tell it as it is. So, yes, them telling me I’m one of the good ones, jumping up and grinning like five year olds or just grabbing my hand and squeezing is their truth. Have you thought of a career in self esteem building @Woo2 ... I think you might excel

Big brother is being very alpha male .. pushing himself to show he’s just fine. Silly man. He’s sending out his work emails, info on systems and software, jokes and just reminding us all he is there. He’s told me he is struggling with keyboard skills, so I know this is hard for him and will be tiring him out. Short of telling that wife to remove all IT stuff ... not much I can do. Not that she wouId do it ... might reduce the household income. He needs to sleep. She needs to .... no not going there ...

My nephew is . caught. I feel for him. I always have. His dad feels he has no say ... his mother pulls the strings. He’s angry but doesn’t know what to do. A blind man can see he loves his dad, but doesn’t know how to tell him. His dad thinks he doesn’t care. It’s a blooming mess. This is the purest depiction of a manipulative mother that I’ve ever seen. Everything to show her in the “best” light. My nephew shows his distaste by going against her “demands”. I’ve asked him bluntly, if he does it to P off his mum ... he grinned.

Right now, he’s like a little boy, scared of losing his dad, but completely lost as to what to do. He says he keeps going to his dad and asking if he’s ok. But, he doesn’t know what to say. What do I tell him, by text, with so much at stake?

I sure could do with a bone crushing hug right now.
 
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Sam Luvit

Registered User
Oct 19, 2016
5,967
East Sussex
..I hope you have all the PPE you need
Thank you for the reassurance @Bikerbeth ... I’ve been feeling a bit off kilter, but that has righted my ride.

Pooch is sweeter smelling, but I think I need clippers to make him presentable. Is it bad that I’m not favouring the cheap internet choices? I might have to “buy British” .. even at that price

Actually talking to big brother was a relief, but also a worry. His speech is ok, although slow, so I know that means he’s trying hard to sound normal. His texts show he is worried. It’s all mixed messages

I’m sure you didn’t mean to be a comedian, but .... I laughed at that. I’ve seen “value” panty liners that have more use than our masks ... so I promise, I am hand washing, glove and apron wearing .. laundering and scrubbing instead

Keep safe and keep going.
 

Woo2

Registered User
Apr 30, 2019
2,651
South East
We are a funny ole lot, we are very self deprecating . You are a naturally caring kind thoughtful person .... I wish you could see that, see your clients have no agenda and just say it as it is .
Big brother sounds like he might be pushing himself a little too hard but no one will stop him , it’s def alpha male , as long as he gets good rest then maybe it’s not a bad thing to keep his mind active as long as it’s not stressful . Nephew it does sound tricky , and feel for him , as long as he is asking dad if he can help then that’s as much as you can ask I think . As for sil as usual there are words but none I could post ! Keep chugging along you are doing grand . 😘 🤗 Virtual bone crushing hugs sent and softer ones for pooch , though I suspect he has enough . Take care of you too. X
 

Sam Luvit

Registered User
Oct 19, 2016
5,967
East Sussex
Yes @Woo2, I think big brother is pushing himself. He only decided to sort out his computer this week! The sort of “housekeeping” he would normally do in his sleep, but ... with all this, he says he thought he'd lost everything, but managed to sort it and restore. I’m fairly sure he is worried that he might have lost his abilities and is testing himself as a result. I do wish he wouId leave it be and give himself the chance to recover, but hey ... we all know what men can be like

I’ll just keep trying to let my nephew know I’m there if he needs me. I suspect that when this is all over they may all decide to call time on the dysfunctional family they have become.

Thank you for the hugs, much appreciated right now. This isolation is starting to feel like it’s been going on for months, rather than weeks. It’s only four weeks since I visited youngest et al, but it feels so much longer.

I know I don’t have the stress of a PWD to contend with, so in many ways, I have it easier, but as always, it’s the little things that feel like they will break your. I drive past the cemetery where dad is every day, I can’t visit and talk to him, nor can I take mum to him. There is so much of life’s “things” that are piling up ... it’s not just going to be the freedom after lockdown, but the catching up on everything that’s slowly growing into another mountain behind me to clear “later”

At least the sun is shining again today. Keep safe everyone
 

Woo2

Registered User
Apr 30, 2019
2,651
South East
I don’t think you or anyone else have it easier , it’s just different, all have things we have to deal with . I’m sad for you that you can’t see baby girl and sons and big brother just yet , hopefully it won’t be too long before you can hug them all again .
I can see that maybe this situation will bring things to a head with brother and they may part ways . I have dad indoors still but I still talk to him down the shed , in the garden , wherever he pops in to my head or heart , keep talking to him and mum , I know it helps me . Enjoy the sun and pooch and have another crushing hug or two 🤗 🤗 . Take care
 

DianeW

Registered User
Sep 10, 2013
736
Lytham St Annes
Sam I do hope your brother can gain his strength back and move on from his relationship if that’s really what he wants to do, but untimely it’s his decision isn’t it? And that’s what is very hard for other’s close to him to see........

My sister is in a relationship with a man (though I use the term loosely).....that I dislike so much because of the way he has treated her, much worse than she let’s on !
But even though I blame him for his behaviour, she is also responsible somewhat for remaining with him......I’m not saying it’s easy to leave and I understand all the feelings involved ending a relationship....but she has to accept some of the responsibility for remaining in the relationship.

My sister holds a professional job, is very confident and strong, totally independent.....but remains with this idiot, and it upsets me because she could do so much better and have a happy life.
 

Sam Luvit

Registered User
Oct 19, 2016
5,967
East Sussex
I think we all have things to deal with @Woo2 ... I know that when mum was “off on one” it was hard. I don’t have that now. So, while my “driving me insane” moments seem hard, they are nothing like walking in and out of a room umpteen times until she finally stopped shouting at me and accepted a piece of blooming cake.

I hate not being able to see my brother. I miss visiting youngest. I’m getting right **** with this whole entitled rubbish with some **** who think this virus is a conspiracy.... but it’s no harder or easier for me than anyone else. I am very grateful that I don’t have to go through it with my mum.

I can’t imagine explaining to mum about my brother. She would have moved heaven and earth to get her hands round the SIL‘s throat. I might pay to watch .... but there again ...

I’m going to have to find a yoga class or something ...
 

Sam Luvit

Registered User
Oct 19, 2016
5,967
East Sussex
My brother admitted to not being happy a while ago, but I suspect he can’t see a way out @DianeW. When you are in the middle of it, the way out is beyond you. Where will you live? How will you support yourself? What about the kids? I know, I was there once.

Over time I’ve gradually suggested how brother can start again, but it’s got to be his decision to make the break. Maybe this will show him how loved he is and how many people want to help. He has talked of leaving, but I think the idea is too scary. Not the being alone, but he has said he wouId move away and that means building up a client base, which I know with his skills wouId be easy, but now with the stroke ... but he might have to rethink things anyway as a result of that and the virus. It’s an unsettling time to be sure

Emotionally or physically abusive relationships are very hard for outsiders to comprehend. They don’t start out that way. They develop very gradually, so gradually that it’s almost unnoticeable when you are in it.

That “playful” slap that hurts, but he tells you you are being a bit pathetic. A drawer “accidentally” being shut on your fingers, while he protests it was an accident. It escalates until he has his hands round your throat against a wall. I missed all the signs with a friend. She hid it well. She believed him telling her she was imagining it, that she needed help as she was paranoid. Everyone else thought he was a great guy. She held down a stressful job, was confident, no one wouId have thought of her as a victim. But she was. I became one of three on her speed dial when she realised he was dangerous. She was one of the lucky ones. She finally saw the truth.

She then saw my situation, which I was in complete denial over, but having been there, her eyes were open. Mine was emotional. He’d tell me how friends and family thought I was “difficult”, that people pretended to like me so they could be friends with him, but they didn’t actually want me around. So I withdrew. I can tell you the loneliest place to be is in a crowded room when you believe no one wants you there

The longer it goes on, the less confidence you have. Every day is a battle to get through. That’s hard enough without trying to figure out how to get out. I did ask him to leave once, but he was so unpleasant and I believed my family wouId not help, that I gave in. I gave myself a time limit and kept plodding on. It took four years (two less than my limit), but he finally left. It was hard. Many times I wanted to slip back into placating him, just to not have to fight.

Every difficult relationship is different, but they all have a common thread. The abuser alienates family and friends, taking away emotional support. They chip away at self confidence. They blame the victim. the only thing you can do is keep telling your sister she is loved and you will be there to help in any way you can, if she decides she wants the help. If you can, have hypothetical conversations about how to get out, or tell her stories about people who have left long term relationships and survived.
 
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DianeW

Registered User
Sep 10, 2013
736
Lytham St Annes
Thank you Sam for sharing that, I am very supportive of my sister and she will and knows that she will always have a home with me if she needs it, and I really do understand it’s not easy...

I guess I was trying to state for her she is very independent, has fantastic job, own home etc, and she admits she is not happy...but something holds her back from kicking him out???

I know everyone’s situation is different and I have worked professionally with DV and some people have less chance to leave when they have nowhere to go and are reliant on abuser......sorry I can’t seen to explain what I mean.
 

Sam Luvit

Registered User
Oct 19, 2016
5,967
East Sussex
I can only tell you what held me back @DianeW, when I think about that time, I do wonder why I fell for it, but at the time ...

At the start of a relationship, we tell each other our fears and our dreams. I told about how my brother was the favourite, no matter that he did less. I was the one trying to “win” our parents approval, yet he got it just by being there. As I child, he resented having to take his “baby sister” with him when he went out.

Turn that on it’s head .. it was whispers in my ear about how my parents were worried that I wasn’t coping with my job, expected me to get sacked any day soon, how my brother smiled to my face but despaired at my hopelessness whenever I left the room. If you hear something often enough, it becomes the truth, or at the very least it plants seeds of doubt

With my brother, I mention it occasionally, so it’s not the sole conversation and he isn’t pressured. (Much as I want to bombard him with the need to make a move). The offer of a room and a place to work from home (which he needs), while saying I will have a third of the conservatory as my “home study”, shows him I’m taking space too. I’ve said I’ll amend my will once I’ve bought (you are supposed to update with major changes), so he will always have that place to live. I try to give him “casually” mentioned reassurances that he won’t be jumping out of the pan and into the fire.

I have hours of thinking it through, different reasons why he doesn’t take the plunge then finding the solution. He has five minutes of hearing me, but then I have to let him ponder that before saying anything else. I try to remember he has been living day after day with her putting him down and building him back up will take time.

Wild card idea ... maybe ask your sister how you can help someone you work with (a fictitious victim), ask her to be your sounding board. Your victim appears to be successful, confident, strong .. yet her friend is worried etc. You might find the reasons for your sisters reluctance to make a move from her arguments to you about your victim. It’s the old “put yourself in her shoes“ to find the solution. It might help. It might be a rubbish idea ;):rolleyes:
 

Sam Luvit

Registered User
Oct 19, 2016
5,967
East Sussex
Morning @Woo2 :p

We are doing ok, although I think Pooch is a bit depressed. He’s carrying Teddy around and crying a bit. He doesn’t like not seeing lots of people and getting fussed over.

I’m looking around for a cheap, online course to take. I need something else to focus on. It’s either learn Spanish, get better at family tree research or something in care. I tried the OU as they are brilliant, but at over £3,000 for the course, I’ll have to give them a swerve :eek:

Hows your mum doing now? Are you hiding in the garden or is the ice cream doing it’s magic? My mum loved sitting in the sunshine, so I bought a garden swing and used to encourage her to sit in the garden. I’d be in shorts and a vest top ... mum wouId start off in three layers, with a scarf and a blanket over her ... gradually peeling off the layers as she started to warm up :rolleyes:
 

DianeW

Registered User
Sep 10, 2013
736
Lytham St Annes
Thanks Sam for your reply, I hope you didn’t feel obligated in any way to share your story? Thank you though x

I will try that with my sister, anything is worth a try, but I just think now she has decided to accept his behaviour etc.....it’s just very difficult to sit back and watch, but like I said earlier on I absolutely understand it’s her decision.

I think your brother is very lucky to have you in his corner....

I know what you mean about getting stressed in shops....some people !
 

Sam Luvit

Registered User
Oct 19, 2016
5,967
East Sussex
.....I know what you mean about getting stressed in shops....some people !
Not obligated at all @DianeW , I tell people because it might help them, the same way my friend who had been through it told me ... and so it goes on. Abusive relationships survive because the victim can’t see it, doesn’t know how to get out or is embarrassed to be a victim, or a combination of the three in my opinion.

As for people in shops ... I’m going to get arrested if they don’t back off
 

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