That guilty feeling


New member
Apr 3, 2024
Mum is 84 and has dementia and lives in a lovely NH.
A few weeks ago her condition worsened considerably and was thought to be actively dying. She was needing the three core drugs and was Cheyne Stoking. I sat by her bed and basically said my goodbyes. This went on for 3 weeks. Althougb happy and content, she had suffered with dementia for years. I had lost her all those years ago but I had now prepared myself to physically lose her. The NH staff were fantastic, they prepared me, they prepared themselves.
Then she miraculously pulled around. She's now back to her normal, eating, drinking and being cheeky!
I feel though horrifically guilty that she's still here. I hoped that her mental suffering was ending for her. But it hasn't and I feel so awful that I feel a but sad that it hasn't


Registered User
Apr 4, 2024
Please don't feel bad. There's mixed reasons to be regretful when your relative doesn't 'go'
For most it's the fact they know the life they have is not that the person would actually want to continue, for others it's a mixture of for their benefit and yours.
The journey is exhausting and seems endless and finally it looks like the end is in sight and it will be over, and the grief process can free you to move forward, only in your case, to be dangled and then put back in the bag.
When my mother was moved to icu in Jan with bi lateral pneumonia I told my friend I was scared.
She was shocked, as she she said 'but all these yrs ( she's been sick for 12 yrs) you have said you'll be happy when she's dead because it's awful for her and you'?
And my answer was, ' I'm not scared that she's going to die! I'm scared that she won't!'
She didn't, everyday I wait and envy those whose relatives go and wish it could be me writing the post that she's finally dead. And the longer it goes on, what started as wanting mercy for her, has turned entirely into peace for myself.
Don't feel bad. Everynight I pray my mother will die the next day.


Volunteer Moderator
Aug 31, 2003
I’m another saying don’t feel bad or guilty @jellyfish5791.

You clearly love your mum and all you want for her is the peace she deserves.

Keep posting here, you’re amongst those who understand.