That Guilty Feeling

[BettyL]

Since I last wrote mum has more or less settled into her care home but has really taken against one of the residents. My previously gentle and kind mother really does not like this lady and every time I visit, she starts on at me about her.

On Sunday, true to form she started on about this nasty woman, pointing at her and shouting. The woman in question was just sitting on a settee talking to a male resident. I just snapped and shouted at mum to be quiet. Wrong thing to say as mum stomped off into her room slamming the door. I made matters worse by following mum and we had very angry words.

I have talked to the staff in the home and they say this other lady can be very bossy and difficult. It seems mum only makes a fuss about her when she has visitors, especially me.

I feel so guilty that I actually rowed with mum - she's got dementia so how could I expect her to be reasonable? I'm looking after my frail dad as well and I just sometimes feel at the end of my tether. I haven't been back to visit mum since Saturday, I just can't face it at the moment, but again I feel guilty. I don't know what to do any more.

Do others ever feel like this?

Betty

 

[CHESS]

Go back and see your Mum. She'll have forgotten all about it and you can start over again. I know it's difficult, but don't let the old "guilt monster" win. Best of luck. Don't be too hard on yourself.

Love, Chess xx

 

[vampwillow]

Please don't be too hard on yourself as Chess said.Go back visit her she' will likely have forgotten about your row.If she starts about the other lady again maybe offer to take her for a walk and as her to show you around as you have forgotten where everything and maybe she could show you around.Might just keep her occupied for a little while.

Don't feel guilty that she doesn't get on with this woman it's hard at any age living in a communal living space and not everyone likes each other maybe eventually as I've known to happen they get some kind of truce even those dementia

take care xx

 

[Margaret W]

Dear BettyL

Of course you now realise you shouldn't have got cross with your mum, but it is easily done and we have all done it, and don't chastise yourself about it. AD brings all sorts of challenges that are new to you. Your mum seems to be upset by this resident, my suggestion is that you tell her "She doesn't know what she is saying cos she isn't very well". That might do, it worked with mum.

My mum seems to be entirely the oppostite cos she has befriended the most vile woman in the entire place. Staff have to keep removing her (the friend, not my lovely mum) from the lounge or the dinner table to get her to calm down and stop insulting people. But she is mum's best friend!

No real advice BettyL except to say there is no point in arguing with your mum, heaven knows I feel like doing so with mine every day, try not to do so.

And if you do, don't feel guilty at all. You are doing your best for your mum, what's to feel guilty about with that?

Stay as calm as you can, love. Remind yourself that you are doing your best, and remind yourself also that you are not Superwoman.

You are under so much stress with your mum and dad too, don't expect to be Mrs. Perfect.

Much love

Margaret

 

[BettyL]

Thank you all so much. Of course you're right, mum won't remember what happened - it's all a bit too much about me at the moment I'm afraid. Just going through a bad spell I know.

In my heart of hearts I do know that I am too hard on myself sometimes but it's so reassuring to hear others say it too!

Before mum had dementia she wouldn't dream of falling out with anybody, let alone make a scene like she did the other day - I think I was so flabbergasted that I opened mouth before engaging brain. It's such a rocky road we all travel isn't it?

Hugs and thanks
Betty

 

[germain]

Hello Betty

I think I would have reacted in exactly the same way - we're only human after all. Don't ever feel guilty - they may end up best friends !

But sometimes there comes a point where we have to do/say something to try to stop the behaviour. Our Mum would make very loud rude remarks about other people all the time along the line of "that woman's so fat its disgusting!" A very firm "That's VERY rude" seemed to help for a little while. We didn't row - just laid down the boundaries.


And I've got to say that early in her dementia journey I think she knew exactly what she was saying but like a naughty attention seeking child decided to go for "effect"


Perhaps your Mum isn't totally aware now but in my humble opinion having dementia doesn't give us family the right to abandon all hope of control - as others have said - try a diversion - this can work amazingly.


Your Mum may settle better soon and be assured she will have forgotten next time she sees you and who knows - next week it may be someone else (hopefully a staff member who can cope)


Best of luck - if you didn't react you'd be up for sainthood by now !

regards
Germain