Thanksgiving is coming

[TamiR]

I've recently placed my mom into a residential care home, I just couldn't give her the kind of care she really needed. She's reasonably happy there but is convinced that when I come back (from vacation) she's going back to her house.

I've been back many times to visit her and have some days out - when I leave she generally says that she'll be happy when I'm home so she can go home.

Well - the big question here is Thanksgiving is coming. Usually the entire family gets together at 'her' house which is where I currently live. I've thought about bringing her to back home for thanksgiving and then just taking her back to the residence but I'm unsure how she will handle this and how much stress this will place on her. I don't want Thanksgiving to end us a sad memory for anyone. I'm betwix and between and would appreciate any ideas anyone has on this issue.

As a note the family has been getting scattered since the onset of this disease and the last two holidays (easter and last christmas) were very sparce. I think because family members just have a hard time seeing 'Mom' this way.

Thanks to you all.

 

[Margarita]

What a hard situation you are in trying to work out what is best for every one.

I am wondering if you do not mind me asking, taking every one out of the equation. What do you really want to happen that day?

If it was me and it was Christmas and mum was at care home , I would go with what ever member of my family that wanted to come and I would have Christmas dinner and stay the day with her there at the care home

If you want to bring your mum home for the day , yes she may get more confused in going back to care home and may upset her more that’s a chance your going to have to take, but if you feel it give her comfort for the day it be a lovely memories for you in the future if other members of your family don’t like seeing her the way she look's , that’s there problem not your

 

[Nell]

What do you really want to happen that day?

If it was me and it was Christmas and mum was at care home , I would go with what ever member of my family that wanted to come and I would have Christmas dinner and stay the day with her there at the care home

If you want to bring your mum home for the day , yes she may get more confused in going back to care home and may upset her more that’s a chance your going to have to take, but if you feel it give her comfort for the day it be a lovely memories for you in the future if other members of your family don’t like seeing her the way she look's , that’s there problem not your

As always I think you make so much sense Margarita!
We have been celebrating all sorts of days (feast days, birthdays, Mother's or Father's Day, etc.) at the home with my parents. We are lucky in that there is a big communal room that is only used for occasional events (such as concerts) whichj the home are happy to let us use. We take everything, clean up after ourselves, and it works very well. Because this room has safety rails, appropriate toilets, a little kitchen, etc. it is absolutely perfect for these events.

If something similar exists in your Mother's NH, I'd think this is a good option.
But if you think another visit to her "real" home would ring comfort, as Margarita says, then have it at home.

Another possibility is to have it at another person's home, or even at a restaurant . . . ???

 

[Cate]

Hiya

I've been wondering what to do about Christmas. Usually all the family, including mum come to me for the Christmas holiday. This year, dont know what to do about mum, apart from mum moving into the NH, we have also moved house from a big rambling old place with enough room to escape grandchildren, dogs etc. and to put a bed in the downstairs study for mum, but we havent the room to do that now.

I have invited everyone here, going to be a bit of a squash (we may have to resort to hammocks!). I thought we would go to the NH to pick mum up on Christmas morning, if the mood was good, and she wanted to come, then bring her back here for the day, returning her in the evening, same on Boxing Day. I would hate it if mum wasn't with the rest of the family, but maybe I'm putting my own needs first, it may just unsettle her, think I'm just going to go with the flow on the day. I just feel she would enjoy the grandchildren, and her great grandchildren, this may just be the last year of her knowing at some level who is who.
Cate

 

[lou lou]

Perrenial dilemmas

Oh dear, the christmas question.

I've had my mum and in laws at my house for christmas for the last 20 years. Now the in laws have passed away and mum was in hospital last christmas as she was expected to die. She didn't thankfully and made a good recovery. My son and his wife are expecting a baby in the new year and I mentioned to my husband that we had never been away at christmas and wouldn't want to next year with it being baby's first christmas.

So thoughtful husband has booked a fabulous holiday over christmas and the new year on Safari in Tanzania and then a week in Zanzibar and my younger son is coming as well.

So then my youngest brother rang to say he wasn't going away this christmas ( as he usually does) and wanting to know who was going to have mum when over the holidays and would I pay for a nurse if he had her at his house. Having her at his house doesn't of course mean he and his wife will do any of the looking after.

So the guilt monster pounced but hubby has already booked and paid for the holiday and quite frankly I just want to be away from the tinsel and turkey this year.

My brother suggested we meet up with my other brothers to decide about christmas so I will have to confess my guilty secret.

I don't think my mother would cope with the three hour journey to my house she can no longer manage the stairs and is more troubled by incontinence now. I think it would be unkind to have her at four different houses over the holidays. It also makes me mad because 2 of my brothers never visit my mum and the youngest one pops in for about 15 minutes every few weeks.

And I thought I was escaping the dilemma of christmas....

Love to all

Lou Lou

 

[Lonestray]

Home visit

Hi there, five years ago before I removed my wife from a NH for good, the one Christmas she was there I took to our daughter's house to join in the family Christmas get to-geather. She had already lost her speech and was w/chair bound. I made a video of her day, a pratice I maintained for years when we had all the family ( 16 in all) every year as the G'children grew up. I returned her to the HN in the late evening. I know she enjoyed the break from the NH. Now, well into the fourth year in our new smaller home once again we will be visiting the daughter's for Christmas. I wish you well I what you decide. God bless. Padraig.

 

[Carolann]

Hi,
My Mum had only been in the Care Home since Feb 2006 and as a family we decided that we would spend as much of Christmas Day at the Care Home with her this year - but, alas that is not to be as she passed away on Saurday, so we as a family have now to decide the best way to spend Christmas as we also lost Dad in March this year! As for bringing Mum out of the Care Home for celebrations we took her to my neices's Birthday Party in June this year, my brother tried to move my mums chair a couple of inches so she was'nt sat in the sun and she threw a full glass of Orange Squash over him! She actually seemed to enjoy the day but it took her ages to settle back into the Care Home and we decided we would not take her out for celebrations any more but go there instead and this was encouraged by the staff.
Perhaps not much help, but just wanted to pass on my experience.
Take Care,
Carol

 

[jenniferpa]

Something I wanted to add is..
Even if you take her back to her "home" for the day, she may not recognise it as her home. Often when a dementia sufferer says they want to go home, the home they have in mind is not the home they were most recently living in. I don't have any advice, I'm afraid, except to echo Maragrita's advice - what do you want to happen on that day? I would probably avoid the restaurant route though, and this is from someone who always does thanskgiving at a restaurant. The logistics are just too stressful.

Jennifer