thanks for your help guys, sorry I couldnt help back...

Discussion in 'ARCHIVE FORUM: Support discussions' started by TED, Dec 12, 2005.

  1. TED

    TED Registered User

    Sep 14, 2004
    154
    Middlesex
    #1 TED, Dec 12, 2005
    Last edited: Dec 12, 2005
    Evening all
    yeah been reading in a lot and feel for those that have recently lost thier loved ones, but even then I havent been able to find the strength or words to express my own thoughts and condolences.

    I think I am at a point perhaps common to some here where I cant be bothered anymore with the rest of life, friends, xmas, work, all of it just doesnt matter no more. Everything revolves around me trying to help Dad with mum, and the more I am there the less i feel i can help

    Mum is now chattering away to about half a dozen 'new friends' all children but its the names she's using....and the one most regularly used is mine ! which is a worry esp as she also greets me and asks how my children are? Erm how can I keep lying and say "fine" when I havent got children, I lost mine, I know she doesnt mean to upset me but it does, sorry.

    One of the other 'people' she's talking to is Jean, my mums name? [Mum -- my real birth mother, who died of cancer when I was a baby for those that wondered] ok might be someone else of the same name but it's the conversation that she has with these that makes it feel as though she means My Mum. Again I get upset, so does my Dad, because she wont talk with any of us now, only to argue and we all get upset. He cant handle it anymore and therefore I get more depressed worrying about anything happening to him, which to be honest would be the end of me too.

    ultimately selfish thoughts come through that I want out. I want some sort of life and happiness too, people keep saying that I should go out, but that's far too easy to say, they havent just left their parents place in tears most nights. On top of which work is suffering and there is an atmosphere there anyway with some people that I know one day I will lash out at. Again hard to move on and get different job as there is more to it than that.

    sorry to moan on, Ive not been writting here as trying to use a forum for people with depression to talk first, work have told me to go back and seek further help for councelling

    If that wasnt enough for the past couple of months I have been in and out of private hospital due to back pain meaning I cant sleep or function properly. Might also be all the stress added too but have had an MRI scan too which I am waiting on results for. Hopefully it will find something I can have treated, I really do need some sleep (get none most nights, 2 hours if I am lucky on a good night)

    Thanks for listening to me
    You cant help , but it does help to write it down now and then

    Keep being strong for you and yours
    peace and love always
    TED x
     
  2. Sheila

    Sheila Registered User

    Oct 23, 2003
    2,259
    West Sussex
    Dear Ted, I am so sorry to hear how you are feeling. The stage your Mum is at is a difficult one. What ever you try to do is wrong for them and you just cant seem to connect can you. They are off in this world with folk we cant see and names that dont tally or spring wildly from the past to hurt us. This is not done intentionally Ted, all the ends have got muddled till its like a ball of wool the cats got hold of. Your Mum wont have any idea of what she is saying and how it appears. She really doesnt mean to hurt you my love, it just all comes out garbled and we try to find where it fits and of course it doesnt really because the threads are all twisted round each other and dont lay straight anymore. Just let it go, thats what I found was best. For ages my Mum thought she was back at school with her cousin Essie, she used to run me down, I never visited etc. This even though she was living with me, and her and Essie were in their 70's and she never visited Mum anyway! But it darn well hurt to think she felt I didnt care. I had to tell myself over and over what I am telling you now. They cant help it, its the illness. Dont let it get to you, theres no point. Easier said than done I know, but dont let this illness get the better of you, use your anger to stop it hurting you, tell it you love your Mum, always will and that no illness can ever destroy the memories that you have in your heart, so there!!
    Is your Dad getting help from SS with some of the problems? Does your Mum go for respite or day care to give you both a break?
    All this worry will be causing you much distress which is obviously making things hard for you right now. The problems with your back and the recent MRI scan must also be stressful to say the least. I do hope you will soon be feeling better Ted, you are always there to help others, dont be afraid to ask for help from others for yourself. I think it is good that you are discussing things with this other chat line as depression is a horrid illness which can make you feel so isolated. Its important to air your feelings with others who understand. Hope the sun shines for you tomorrow, sending you a big, big hug, lotsaluv, She. XX
     
  3. Finnian

    Finnian Registered User

    Sep 26, 2005
    60
    U.K.
    Lordy, Ted.

    Sheila hit it on the head with her tangled ball of wool. Where do you start ? Its not surprising you have run out of steam.

    To start with, back problems run you into the ground with the unrelenting pain. Have you tried a tens machine ? I find it helpful for a niggle I have. My hubby (who has broken bones more times than a stuntman) swears by it. He also recommends acupuncture. Both can be found privately in most parts of the country.

    Have you got any personal help for your depression ? Would your doctor be supportive? I think you need to get yourself sorted before you start trying to help your family. I mean that in a kindly way not as a criticism. Whenever I reach this stage of not being able to untangle my ball of wool I need someone to give me an action plan. So that is what I'm trying to offer you - short,sharp actions to start unravelling the knots. Sorry if I sound bossy - I'm in a seasonal "things to do NOW" frame of mind.

    Have a think about how to look after yourself and break this pain, lack of sleep, depression web. Everything else will fall into place when you are feeling better. Just hang on to your knitting needles.

    Kindest thoughts

    Finnian
     
  4. connie

    connie Registered User

    Mar 7, 2004
    9,519
    Frinton-on-Sea
    Dear Ted, thanks for sharing your troubles with us. It does help sometimes, and any way we are all in the same boat at different times.

    Take great care of yourself, and another big hug from me, Connie
     
  5. Michael E

    Michael E Registered User

    Apr 14, 2005
    619
    Male
    Ronda Spain
    Ted hi,

    It's a bummer isn't it! Monique has great parties in the middle of the night with - I think - old school friends and always her mum - long long gone - It's been getting to me as well recently - Maybe it's the weather that we all seem to have the blues this week on the Forum??? Hello darkness my old Friend???

    Just wanted to say thanks to Shelia for her post - she really got it right I think about what it must be like to be inside that head - what a mess - what a muddle - and the fear must be dreadful - the fear of the unknown - Sorry what's your name?? where are we? Why are we? When are we going home - who are you? To be on the receiving end requires some creative lying - but to be on the questioning end and truly not know the answer is - well not good - not good at all... frightening as hell I should think

    Whilst writing this I went to Monique and for the first time the 'friends' were nasty people.. That's awful.. Told her they had all gone now but how scary that must be!

    sorry about the waffle -

    Michael
     
  6. Lulu

    Lulu Registered User

    Nov 28, 2004
    391
    Dear Ted, Am always a bit wary of replying because I wonder who am I to say anything, not having yet experienced a lot of what can happen with this disease, but I do feel the strain of caring -and with little understanding from the rest of the family, I often feel down, so perhaps this qualifies me? HOWEVER, I can also endorse the use of a TENS machine. (think they are available from a well-known high-street chemist -I'd lend you mine if I could). Back problems can really drag you down, and any sort of tension doesn't help. When you have back pain, you can think of nothing else. Hope you can soon find some relief.
     
  7. Norman

    Norman Registered User

    Oct 9, 2003
    4,348
    Birmingham Hades
    Hi Ted
    sorry you are down in the dumps at the moment, as Michael e says it seems that a few of us are under the weather at the moment.
    Have you seen the latest"Pain Gone"the pen to relieve pain?
    Claims to be an advancement on the TENS.
    PM me if you want details.
    I am trying it, (there is a money back guarantee) I think there is an improvement with the knees!!
    Norman
     
  8. Mjaqmac

    Mjaqmac Registered User

    Mar 13, 2004
    939
    Dear Ted, thinking of you. Hope things improve.
     
  9. Sheila

    Sheila Registered User

    Oct 23, 2003
    2,259
    West Sussex
    Dear Ted, how are you today? Lotsaluv, She. XX
     
  10. daughter

    daughter Registered User

    Mar 16, 2005
    824
    Hi Ted,

    "You cant help" - you're right but I really wish I could.

    "Keep being strong for you and yours" Being strong is sometimes sooo hard. When my Dad was still at home, I hated watching my Mum struggling to cope with him - he was wandering, being aggressive, she ended up hiding from him on many an occasion - and the worry she went through.... I seriously thought it was all going to kill her. Now, here she is a little over a year later and, as far as any one ever can accept this disease, she is coping with the situation. This is just to let you know that your Dad may be stronger than you think.

    The 'talking cure' really can help with depression, so strangely, it could be a good thing that work have kind of 'forced' your hand about this.

    Maybe, when you're feeling a bit stronger yourself, you could try to focus on what you can do, practically about the different problems. Some things you can't fix but there are ways to ease your Dad's burden as Sheila suggested about the SS etc.

    Hope the MRI results give some positives, hugs
     
  11. TED

    TED Registered User

    Sep 14, 2004
    154
    Middlesex
    Hiya
    and thanks for the positive replies,
    havent heard of a TENS machine before, but thanks for the idea, will have a look into it.

    Should get results later today (wed) so keeping fingers crossed for some good news there. Dont think there's much else I can do right now, will be over at Mum and Dads later, all I worry is that it's getting harder and harder for dad and he's probably not far away from some sort of breakdown/stroke or something.

    SS arent a lot of help, neither (sadly to say) are the Alzheimers Society, who are supposed to be helping Dad with getting his Carers allowance (it's supposed to been backdated by about 18months !!) and yet it's still not being paid and this is causeing him a lot of greif. They keep saying they will come round and see him and cancelling / messing him about all thetime, this is going on for months and months now so I have told him to instruct solicitors against them .... we both feel we're being taken for a ride.

    but that's another story

    hopefully mum will be fine today, I'll take round some sweeties, just dont tell dad

    Cheers
    and hope you all keeping well
    TED xx
     

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