1. magenta

    magenta Registered User

    Feb 16, 2009
    95
    wales
    Hello everyone

    My last few posts would show that the last year has been a real roller coaster. Everytime I post someone has had a really helpful reply and always lots of support.

    There has been lots of typing through tears recently. I have found posts from others that have helped to reassess what I have gone through. The toilet issues I could cope with but the violence I felt was my fault and kept very quiet about. Now I know I was not alone and I could not have done any more.

    I am at or near the end now of a marriage of 30 years where my husband older than me by 23 years has confounded the medics as to why he is still alive with heart problems. His left ventrical has not functioned since June 1986. Major surgery and a fortnight in intensive care 1991. I did not feel I got the same man back afterwads and I think he has had progressing vascular dementia since then. Many years of a violent marriage which as many women in such marriages I thought I must be partly responsible for. Actually I think now it was the dementia. Then in 2006 he was diagnosed with Lewy body. His behaviour was amazing. Violent at anyone and irratic, and in many ways the psychosis was entertaining but not if you lived with it! He was sectioned and he challenged that. The tribunal supported his solicitor that the problems were a 'domestic problem'. He was released but the consultant psychiatrist managed to get him to agree to stay in hospital.

    Earlier this year he started with 2year old style tantrums. The CPN, who has been great, said the stage usually did not last long and now I am watching him die.

    I feel guilty that I want the end to come. But it is how I feel. The GP did not want me to have him home after sectioning but solid as a rock he has said he will treat him at home if that is what I want. Is it what I want? I just want peace for me. I feel bad if I don't visit (90 miles round trip) But home will shorten his life. There is no right answer, it is this .......... dreadful disease.

    I can see what it is doing to my children. My son 20 can't remember his father normal and they both recall seeing the violence. They are struggling with my distress now.


    Sorry this has turned out as a sad thread when I actually wanted to say thank you to all the people who make the effort and give the time to support others on this lovely forum. It is only those who have been there that know. THANK YOU ALL

    Magenta
     
  2. nicoise

    nicoise Registered User

    Jun 29, 2010
    1,806
    Dear Magenta,

    I am so sorry to read your heartbreaking post - you have had a difficult time for so long.

    I don't have any words of advice - but I think you will reach the right decision for you through writing about your experience, and reading it back to yourself, which may clarify the situation in your mind.

    Best wishes,
     
  3. Izzy

    Izzy Volunteer Moderator

    Aug 31, 2003
    59,764
    Female
    Dundee
    Magenta I'm sorry your situation is so awful. Just wanted to say take care. Izzy x
     
  4. christine_batch

    christine_batch Registered User

    Jul 31, 2007
    3,388
    Buckinghamshire
    Dear Magenta,

    Reading through your post, my heart go out to you and your son.

    I can understand that you want peace you have been through so much. It is hard caring but when there is violence that comes into the equation you are the one who needs the support.

    I pray you get the help and support you need.

    Best wishes
    Christine
     
  5. sleepless

    sleepless Registered User

    Feb 19, 2010
    3,223
    Female
    The Sweet North
    Magenta,
    There seems no limit to the anguish these illnesses can heap upon us. My heart goes out to you and your family, as you face this final dilemma.
    Whatever you decide to do, you need have no regrets. You have given years and years, you must not let guilt be the winner in this final round.
    Whichever choice you make, will be the right choice.
    Please think of yourself and your children as well as your husband.

    Remember, don't let guilt prevail whatever happens. You have done enough and more.

    God Bless you all,
    sleepless.
     
  6. Nanak

    Nanak Registered User

    Mar 25, 2010
    1,973
    Brisbane Australia
    Hi Magenta
    I agree with Nicoise. Read back through your post and you will find your answer
    Take care
    Nanak
    missing what has gone and scared of what is to come.
     
  7. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    69,738
    Kent
    Dear Magenta

    No one has to allow themselves to be subject to attacks of any forms of abuse , no matter what the illness.
    Look after yourself. xx
     
  8. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    17,000
    SW Scotland
    Dear Magenta

    I agree with the others. You have been through so much in your marriage, and obviously the children have suffered too.

    No-one could blame you for not wanting your husband home. You have already given so much, and should never feel guilty.

    The visiting is a problem, but you should only visit as often as you feel comfortable with.

    I can't decide for you, but please think of yourself and your children. You all have so much to look forward to.

    Love,
     
  9. lin1

    lin1 Registered User

    Jan 14, 2010
    9,320
    Female
    East Kent
    Dear Magenta.

    Am so sorry

    the only advice I can give you is
    Listen to your HEADnot your heart.

    with the best will and the best support package in the world you may well be in danger. please dont put your children through that worry
    sorry to b blunt.
     
  10. fredsnail

    fredsnail Registered User

    Dec 21, 2008
    649
    Nothing to add to the comments above - but hugs to you and your family at this difficult time - and what ever you decide I hope things are as smooth as possible.
     
  11. turbo

    turbo Registered User

    Aug 1, 2007
    3,851
    Hello Magenta, What a lot you have to cope with and what difficult decisions you have to make. Just sending my support and I hope you will keep posting.

    Turbo
     
  12. Angela J

    Angela J Registered User

    Dec 16, 2009
    51
    Would just like to send my support too. Hope you can soon move forward with your life. Take care xx
     
  13. serena

    serena Registered User

    Jul 17, 2010
    69
    Hampshire
    Hi Magenta

    I would like to send support and trust you will be able to read the facts of your distressing life as you have posted them and feel able to move forward to some better place, you definitely deserve this don't you?

    Love and Light, Serenaxx
     
  14. larivy

    larivy Registered User

    Apr 19, 2009
    5,225
    essex
    i think everyone has said it all just wanted to send you my support larivy
     
  15. Helen33

    Helen33 Registered User

    Jul 20, 2008
    14,697
    Dear Magenta,

    I found your post heart-rending and can only think that some healing has taken place because you are able to talk about it. It can be very difficult for women and men to talk about violence in the home and you have been able to break through the silence! You seem to have gained some understanding through the years and it seems that you have gained strength. You are now facing another tremendously difficult situation and I hope that you find yourself fully supported by Talking Point.

    Love and a warm (HUG)
     

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