Thank goodness for friends......

[fearful fiona]

Just a thought ......

Over the past few months and particularly when I had the problem of Mum and Dad having to go into a home, I have really found out who my friends are - and aren't....

TP friends are true friends, it goes without saying. But this evening I was looking at all the cards I have had from friends and colleagues, either supporting me because I was going through a bad time, or sending their condolences when my uncle died recently and I realised that there was nothing at all from any members of my family. I know from other threads that other TPers have suffered from family fall out, so thought I would post this message as there seem to be a lot of us out there.

 

[Grommit]

Fiona I know what you mean.
Family members seem to be the first to drop out, followed shortly after by the friends you have had good times with for years.

What is remarkable is that new friends appear to take their places and in that I include friends I have never met.

Friends who have more things in common that the disease we are struggling with and friends that are willing to help without counting the cost.

I always remember the sign on the entrance door to a pub in Sheffield:

Welcome. There are no strangers here. Only friends you have never met.

 

[fearful fiona]

Dear Grommit,

Thank you for your kind message, I love the sign over the pub!

I agree about new friends too. I work in a shop with a lot of young kids who haven't as yet had loved ones with this awful illness, but they are really lovely as they know I'm going through a really bad time. We are all on something pretty near minimum wage, but one of them gave me a bar of chocolate yesterday to cheer me up and that meant so much to me as I know it came from the heart.

Hope all is well with you. Are we going to have a rehearsal of our orchestra soon? I have been practising the kazoo like mad (it helps with the stress).

 

[Grannie G]

Dear Fiona,

I have a bit of a theory about friends and family.

Nothing is expected from friends, so they are under no pressure to offer more than they are prepared to give.

Family members feel they should offer more, by way of help, support, involvement. If they are not prepared to offer that, they feel guilty, so they back off completely. This also applies to some long term, very close friends.

It is difficult enough to love your own demented sufferer some of the time, but we do, because of who they were and what this condition has done to them. But you need to be a very special person to be able to feel similar emotions for someone else.

This is how I feel, others might feel differently.

 

[Skye]

Fiona, it's a situation so many of us can relate to.

Family members seem to be the first to drop out, followed shortly after by the friends you have had good times with for years.

That hurts, but what hurts more (for me) are the people you have supported through thick and thin, and would continue to support. But when the chips are down, they think nothing of turning their backs.

They were never true friends, Fiona. Friendship has to be mutual, and it's their loss as much as (and more than) yours.

Stay strong, you have good friends here.

Love,

 

[taylorcat]

How very true. I too have family who don't want to know (cousins). My mum was a twin and when her twin died suddenly I did everything I could to help them. Now when it's my turn they don't want to know. Despite the fact that my Dad did an awful lot to help them when they were younger.

Makes me so angry.

 

[fearful fiona]

Dear very important and much valued friends,

I have read your posts with interest, so many thank for the replies. There is nothing to compare with having a good friend on TP, or at the end of the telephone line, or to whom one can pop round at a moment's notice and I've experienced this so much in the past few weeks.

I've also found that true friends make practical offers of help, i.e. "let me help you with the shopping" or "shall I go and visit your parents so you can have a break" rather than those who vaguely say "let me know if there is anything I can do" - what on earth if one supposed to suggest to that? The one that really gets me is my sister in law saying "you know where I am if you want to talk". Sorry I would rather she got in her car and visited my parents. That would be really helpful.

Anyway I made a new friend this afternoon. Went to see my parents in their new home in the hope of calming down my Mum and trying to persuade her that she can't go home. It only sort of worked. However after visiting I just sat and chatted with the deputy matron of the home about all sorts of things. It was lovely we had so much in common, I left with a really warm feeling.

I am sitting here with a glass of wine - so I toast you all!!!

Here's to us
Who's like us

Oh sorry, Skye, you know the rest and can do it properly!!

Much love

 

[Skye]

The one that really gets me is my sister in law saying "you know where I am if you want to talk".

That drives me berserk, too. And I know exactly what you mean abou 'Let me know if there's anything I can do' As if!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm glad your visit wasn't as bad as you feared, perhaps your mum will settle in time. It's great that you've found a friend in the deputy matron. The last thing you ant now is to have to move them.

Here's tae us
Wha's like us?
Gey few
An' they're a' deid!

 

[fearful fiona]

Thank you Hazel, I'm such a phoney Scot, born as I was in South London.

 

[Skye]

I was born in Sunny Scunny!

 

[fearful fiona]

Well somebody's got to .............

 

[Skye]