Terrified of the future

[Corriefan]

I thought once mum had moved into a home then things would ease up for me and I would actually get my life back but things are getting worse.

I actually managed to get NHS Continuing Healthcare for my mum and she moved into a lovely nursing home. The staff are so kind and almost treat her like their own relative. However her condition is deteriorating so rapidly.

She spent all of Christmas in hospital and since then has been in and out of hospital so her environment is constantly changing which can't be good for her. As I write I am pretty sure she will be admitted back into hospital tonight.

The problem is that she has a lazy bowel as well as dementia. The doctors can't really control the problem anymore.

It is horrible going to the home to visit her. She is in a nursing home and the other patients shout and scream a lot. Some are violent. The staff say they keep an eye on my mum so she will not be assaulted.

I feel like since she went into the home I have done nothing but take dozens of phone calls a day about my mum, dealing with all this stuff that needs to be sorted out, attending meetings with doctors and consultants plus sorting out loads of stuff about our house.

I have also practically become a carer for my dad. He is very elderly and relies on me to do pretty much everything. He refuses to think for himself anymore and asks me questions such as should he finish the old jar of coffee before opening a new one. I have to keep showing him how to do everything over and over every single day. He doesn't have dementia it is just that he was used to my mum doing everything for him. On top of all this he has a nasty temper and keeps upsetting me with his behaviour.

For the past two years I have had both parents hurling verbal abuse at me telling me I am a nasty horrible person. In addition to this I have been sorting everything out for them both and cleaning up my mum. I worry I will have a breakdown.

As well as this I need to start looking for a job but feel paralysed as though I can't. I think I am very depressed. I haven't even signed on yet as I am afraid that the job centre will have me in every day of the week and I still have so much to cope with here. Sorry for ranting on but just needed to vent.

 

[CollegeGirl]

I'm Corriefan, I am so very sorry that you have all this on your plate. No wonder you feel as though you're heading for a breakdown.

Firstly, if you think you are suffering from depression, then do please go to your GP. There are lots of things that can be done; not only medication - there is talk therapy, counselling, learning mindfulness, hypnotherapy, etc, and one of these might just help you. Most importantly, don't bottle things up. You might be proving support, but to do this you will need support yourself. Most of us do, including me.

It's really good that you have found a home you are happy with - however, I don't think they should be ringing you as much as they seem to be. If they are equipped and trained to deal with dementia, then they should be doing that to a large extent without your involvement, unless something really serious happens. What sort of things are they phoning you about?

If they are fairly trivial things, then I think you should limit the amount of time you're prepared to spend taking their calls. Could you tell them that, unless there is a genuine emergency, you are only available between, say, 6.00 and 7.00 pm to take their calls, and so if they have any general concerns, or need answers to queries, then that's when they should ring you? Perhaps that way you can reduce the number of calls you receive.

I also wonder whether you could have a talk to your dad - not when you're feeling frustrated with him, but maybe just over a cuppa one day - and put your cards on the table about how you are feeling, and how you need him to help himself a bit more. Since he doesn't have dementia, this is not at all unreasonable. if he refuses to consider this, then I'd say you were justified in backing off a little. If there is no dementia involved, he really has no excuse for being bad tempered with you, or being verbally abusive, and you don't have to put up with it.

Gosh this all sounds very daunting, doesn't it?! Try tackling just one thing at a time. That's what I do whenever I'm feeling overwhelmed (in any situation), otherwise I end up running round like a headless chicken and achieving absolutely nothing.

Do keep posting, and feel free to rant. It really helps !

xx

 

[Corriefan]

Hi CollegeGirl. Thanks for replying.

Basically the nursing home rang me to tell me that another resident had hit my mum in the face. They said it was only a tap and not a hard blow but they had to let me know due to regulations. When I saw her she didn't appear to be injured.

Another time they rang me at 1.30 in the morning and one of the carers asked me if I was available to go straight to the hospital because they had decided my mum needed to go in. I asked him why and if it was an emergency. I asked that because she has been taken to hospital so many times with her bowel problem and it has always turned out to be not urgent at all. He got flustered and then said they would call me back later and let me know what was going on. The next day I rang up and they said they had changed their minds about sending her to hospital and she was fine.

Another time she had a fall but was fine apart from a couple of bruises. In a way I want to be kept informed of it all but yet it is stressing me out.

My dad is very demanding. He keeps getting himself into the most unbelievable scrapes. I am so worried about leaving him when I do get a job.

The other day I thought I heard him shouting to me when I was upstairs. I shouted back asking what he wanted but there was no answer.

About five minutes later I was going downstairs when I heard him shouting, "Oh, oh, oh". I rushed down asking what was going on. It turned out that he had his fingers stuck in a plastic box. He had tried to pick it up and got his fingers trapped. He was red in the face and spitting at me in rage. He was screaming at me to do something. I tried to pull the box off but he screamed in pain even more so I said I would call the fire brigade to get him free. He said no and then told me to press down on one side of the box. I did and he got free but was still having a go at me saying I had not done enough to help him and implying it was all my fault.

He is always making me feel guilty about something or other. Even if I was financially able to I couldn't move out because he couldn't cope.

 

[Irine]

Hello, I am Irine. I care about my mother who is 90 years old. For last 2 months my mother was in the nursing home not permanently but to recover after fracture in her wrist. Being in the nursing home my mother had a horrible fall. She is blind and has advanced AD. My mother - I think - cannot move around alone, but I was told that my mother cannot be stopped from any movements, she cannot be restricted, but if she is falling? She had 3 falls during last 2 months and is in hospital now. Who could advise me about the rules and restrictions? Thank you.

 

[Corriefan]

Hi Irine. In my mum's care home two carers always escort her everywhere because she is at risk of falls. Maybe you should try to get your mother into a different care home. If she is at risk of falling the staff should be taking steps to make sure it does not happen.

 

[irishmanc]

Hi Corriefan,
sorry to hear about your position. I think CollegeGirl is quite right. You should insist on boundaries with the care home about how often and when they call. If you are at their beck and call all the time, it is just adding to your stress. I also think that you should try to find some counselling to support yourself. I did that and found it invaluable. We can only continue to care if we are cared for ourselves and you really sound like you need to be on the receiving end of some TLC right now.