Terrific news!

[Gill W]

Hi all,

Just thought I'd pop in and let you know that Gran's case went before the panel with Social Services today.

I'm pleased to say that they gave us a great big "YES" to funding her in care 24/7. They've given us the go ahead to start looking at homes within their parameters of finance, and we're going to compare them to homes in our own area. If there is a difference between costs of care in homes in the Wearside area and our own Sedgefield area, there may be a problem finding the additional funds. However, mum has said that she would be more than happy to put the proceeds from the sale of Gran's house towards her care. The house is owned by my mum and her 3 siblings, but that's another issue altogether.

Of course the hard bit comes next. How to tell Gran that this is the best move for her, without causing untold grief. There is an awful lot of work needs doing to Gran's house to bring it up to standard, and mum and I think it would be best to use that as leverage with her. The living room window is currently a bow window but inside is a great big crack along the length of it, the lintel is giving up and it needs attention, otherwise it'll all come down on top of her. Her garage outside is asbestos and needs expert removal, there's some plumbing work to do etc. So we thought we might just tell her that we're taking her somewhere nice for a while, whilst the building work is done, and just attempt to fob her off from there until she forgets about it.

Any other suggestions of how to approach her with it would be gratefully received and taken in.

Meantime we just have to sigh a huge sigh of relief that there is light at the end of the tunnel at long last!! And yet mum and I were still nearly in tears at the thought of it all! You can't win, can you!? lol

Gill
xx

 

[Skye]

Meantime we just have to sigh a huge sigh of relief that there is light at the end of the tunnel at long last!! And yet mum and I were still nearly in tears at the thought of it all! You can't win, can you!? lol

That's the trouble, isn't it? Although we know it's the best solution, it still tears us apart at the thought.

It's great news though that you've got funding. I think you've found the ideal solution to telling your gran. She must know that the repairs are necessary. You could tell her that health and safety wouldn't let her stay in the house while the asbestos was being removed. Once she's in, you can keep stalling with building delays until (hopefully) she has settled.

Try not to worry too much, I'm sure you're doing the best thing.

Love,

 

[sue38]

Hi Gill,

That's great news and I'm sure a great load off your minds. No wonder you felt like crying, tears of relief combined with regret that your Gran has now reached this stage.

Sounds like a good idea to tell your Gran that the mood is only temporary and you have the perfect excuse if she knows there is work to be done on the house.

Good luck in finding the right home.

 

[Gill W]

My immediate reaction was "marvelous, bl**dy great news" and then I saw the tears in her eyes. My aunt was suitable dumbstruck by all accounts, so the realisation must be setting in with her just how bad things really are too.

I feel immense relief for my mum, she's worked so hard to take care of Gran in her own home, and she's nearing the end of her stamina now. But in truth the hardest part is yet to come, finding a home for her that we all agree on, then breaking the news to her, and getting the move over with. I've suggested to mum that she allow Social Services to help her broach the subject with Gran, as they'll have done it hundreds of times over and will know ways to put things so that it goes down well? Whether mum goes down that route is up to her of course, but I'm just looking for ways to make it easier for her in the long run.

The house really does need work doing, and if Gran was of sound mind she would wholeheartedly agree that it needs to be got on with, so maybe we can start to focus on the faults with her in the meantime, to set the ball rolling.

I'll keep posting and let you know how we get on. This is my last living grandparent, and I want to do all I can to make her last years good ones in terms of quality. She deserves nothing less.

Gill
xx

 

[jenniferpa]

Gill that is good news.

I'm not so sure about getting the social worker to broach the subject - I think it depends a lot on the social worker. Some seem to have a weath of experience, but some are so dopey that you wonder how they even manage to find their way to work in the morning. I guess most are somewhere in between, probably because experience is the result of time served, and many social workers burn out after a while. Thus a fair number of them at any given time are still learning.

 

[Gill W]

Fair comment, Jennifer, thanks.

So far we've only bounced ideas around, and I'll pass on your comment to mum and stand corrected if she deems the SW a bit slow on the uptake. And so far, to be honest, we have found them less than helpful when we've needed them, so maybe I was a bit hasty with that suggestion......point taken Jennifer.

Gill W

 

[jenniferpa]

Well I know some people have wonderful ones, and some people don't. I suppose it really depends on the rapport (or possibly lack therof) that the social worker has with your grandmother: even if they don't know much they may be good at talking to someone with dementia and, I suppose, vice versa.

 

[gill@anchorage5]

Hi Gill

Always nice to hear good news - now all the practical issues have to be put into place!

Would your CPN help? I can only draw parallells with the respite care for Dad. The first time I took him in with Mum & felt awful (not sure how I held the tears back) - so the next time he went in I told Mum that I honestly thought I would make the situation worse be being there. Hated not being in my usual "supportive role" but knew that I was likely to get emotional and make the situation worse for everyone (I think we all know our limitations!) Our CPN was wonderful and actually drove Mum & Dad there, did all the "settling in" and brought Mum home again - where I was waiting with big bunches of flowers for both of them!!!!

Dad's short term memory is so bad that although it may have salved our conscience by discussing it with him in advance - there was really no advantage to it. He would have become very upset & agitated - only to have to go through it all again the next time it was mentioned.

Life is so B******* difficult isn't it - wanting to "do the right thing" but weighing that up against the practicalities.

Thinking of you -take care

love from (the other) Gill x

 

[Nell]

Dear Gill,
Just want to add my bit! I'm so pleased that the result was positive for you. It IS hard now dealing with your Gran, but take heart from the fact that some people have draded the experience and found it wasn't as bad as they feared in reality.

I suggest you tell your Gran once, then don't mention it again until the day she moves. Sounds awful, but I find that with my Mum, every time she hears the same bit of news, it is as if she hears it for the first time. This means she relives the "shock" of it every time it is mentioned. Awful for her - and for us.

I hope you can find a really good place that is convenient, especially for your own dear Mum. Best of luck!!

 

[Grannie G]

It is good news Gill, even if it`s news you`d rather not have needed.

I hope you find somewhere lovely for your Gran, and the reduction of stress on you all will help you enjoy her company more.

Love xx

 

[Norman]

Hi Gill
I think telling Gran that the house needs repairs is a wonderful idea.
Don'ever feel guilty about white lies,we have all used them,for the good of a loved one
Norman

 

[alfjess]

Hi
When Mum and Dad first went into respite their CPN, accompanied by another colleague (CPN) took them there. I couldn't face it. Maybe I was a coward, but whatever, it worked.

Their Social worker, was useless. Still is, has no idea of dementia, always has to consult her team leader, then doesn't feedback.
However, the CPN is wonderful. I would suggest that you speak to your CPN

Alfjess

 

[Taffy]

Of course the hard bit comes next. How to tell Gran that this is the best move for her, without causing untold grief.

If only we had the answer to this, I do feel for you and your mum. I agree that the house needing repairs is a good idea. There is bound to be stressful times ahead, but, I would spring this all on Gran at the last minute so she hasn't got too much time to worry over things. Fingers crossed everything goes well and Gran settles without much fuss. Sometimes I think it's debatable who is the most traumatized. Take Care. Taffy.

 

[Gill W]

Thank you for the input everyone.

We don't actually have a CPN, it's something I've mentioned to mum a few times but we have never had one allocated.

I don't think Gran has any kind of 'relationship' with her social worker, she has totally lost her recall of names and things now. She can barely string a sentence together sometimes. The social worker said she doesn't foresee any real problem with Gran being told she'll need extra care, she described her to me as 'a lovely old lady, very friendly, never abusive'. Well don't we know it, but that could be the fun that's still to come!

I think the house needing work is going to be the lynch pin in all this, and I agree that we could mention what will be happening and then leave it. I've spoken to Gran before about needing more care to keep her safe so that we won't worry so much and she said she knew things weren't right, and she wants to 'get back where she belongs'. but just not yet. Aahh, could be a problem there Gran! lol

I'm trying to keep mum on a level where she doesn't think too far ahead at the moment. She said today she can picture my aunt sitting making a list of 'things to do first' and getting everyone in position, when there's lots of things to do first. We can't do a thing til they send us the list of homes in the Wearside area and the fees etc. Then we need to look at them all, more than once I would say. I recall someone saying that a home should be inspected 'on the hop' as it were, called in on without notice, to see how they react and how things are when they're not expecting anyone for inspection purposes? Does anyone agree with that? Or am I being overy protective? I don't want just any old place for Gran just for the sake of putting her in as quickly as possible. If a home is nice, we imagine it will have a waiting list. Do we wait for the nicest one or do we settle for the next best just because it has a place free for her as soon as? Dilemmas!!!!

Mum is thinking ahead to the point where she asked me to go looking for somewhere that sells the sew on name labels for Gran's clothes!! Woah mam, hold up a bit. That's easy to do when the time comes.......

Goodness, I thought it would calm mam a bit but it seems to be winding her up even more at the moment. My sister has booked a pamper day with her at a health spa in August, I'd say that can't come soon enough!!

Thanks for the suggestions everyone, I will pass them on to mam. Will be back to keep you up to date.

Gill
xx

 

[Grannie G]

Hi Gill,

It sounds like you don`t know where to start, or at least it sounds like your mother is worried she`ll be caught on the hop, with no preparation.

I don`t think there`s any harm in making a `to do` list. Not necessarily in sequence, but a tick list of things you need to do, so you can cross them off when they`ve been done.

They don`t all need to be done at once.

I would phone the homes and ask for an appointment with the manager, to begin with. It`s a courtesy, and you want to be sure they haven`t any prior appointments.

Once you`ve had the first appointment, you will probably be told whether or not you`d be welcome to visit at any time, and you can take it from there. Then you can visit without prior notice, just to see if they are as good as promised.

Give yourself time to take a breath. And good luck.

Love xx

 

[jenniferpa]

Sylvia's adressed the visiting without notice, so I'm just going to talk about the "which home" issue. I realise in an ideal world you would find the perfect home and never have to move her again, but that may not necessarily be true. People's needs change, nursing homes change, so you can never be certain that what is perfect now will be perfect next week, or month or year. If you do get into a situation where the "best" has a list and the "next best" doesn't there is nothing to say that you can't place her in the next best and put her down for the best: places can open up at any time.

Jennifer

P.S. My mother's nursing home has iron on labels that they apply themselves - no need to assume you'll have to do this yourself!

 

[Nell]

P.S. My mother's nursing home has iron on labels that they apply themselves - no need to assume you'll have to do this yourself![/QUOTE]

The same at my Mum's home.

However, if your Mum wants to keep busy doing things, please let her. I know what a wonderful daughter you are and how much you care for your Mum. The idea of a "spa day"sounds terrific too.

But some of us cope better with stress if we are busy!! (Speaking from experience here! ) I find I need to micro-manage my environment in order to feel I still have control over what is happening. Thanks to some good counselling over the years, I realise I am not REALLY controlling my environment but I FEEL as if I am - and that makes it easier to cope.

If your dear Mum is anything like me, she might need to DO something in order to feel she has things under control. Just a thought .. . . .

I, like everyone on TP, will be wishing you all the very best outcome to your current situation. Thinking of you all.

 

[strawberrywhip]

Keep it to yourself!

As others have said ..if your nans memory is so bad there is little point explaining detailed plans to her which are likely to upset her. I doubt if there is anyone who goes into an EMI wilingly and in the full knowledge it is forever, my MIL certainly didnt.
Wedid all the preparation first, found the home talked to them ..then just took ma for a cup of tea with them ..she didnt ask and we didnt explain..she got agitated even when visiting her daughter who she loves to bits! ..and would pack endlessly night and day if we warned her inadvance ..so leanrt not to!

As you say ..it tends to be to salve your consience if you have squared it with her ..but she may well not have acapcity to understand.
SO ... we did get iron on name tapes (dont sew em on its such a bore!) you can find them online ..will look up the name. We got sneaky and gradually washed packed and renewed things well in advance ..so we had a suitcase ready and packed at our house . We went ahead and prepared her room while other meembers of the family had her to stay ..everything was ready clothes in drawers .she arrived for a cuppa only in the things she stood up inshe would not have stepped over the threshold if she thought she was staying ...we left her at lunch time ..and the home did the rest! Sneaky underhand you may say ..but it was the only way ....and nearly 3 weeks down the line things are improving slowly ..we have spoken on the phone ..and the home will let us know when they feel she has settled enough .
Miss her but it was without doubt the best move we could have made.
Very good luck to you all ..it will not be fun ..but you have to do it

 

[Margaret W]

My little bit of experience

We are at the same stage (but no funding for us, I'm afraid). I have loads to say and not noted for my brevity so I'll try not waffle. I haven't read any of your previous messages so am not sure how "bad" gran is.

Re telling gran, you have to do what you think is right. Mum's team in hospital have been brilliant and I've asked their advice all along. When the decision was made for her to go into a home I was advised not to involve her at all in the choice, not to tell her until the last minute, and to tell her it was temporary. I mulled all this over and decided it was wrong. Despite her AZ she is sometimes remarkably astute (and like your gran, is a lovely, obedient, uncomplaining lady - with occasional flashes of anger), so I contacted them and said I didn't think the deception was right. In the meantime, they had witnessed one of these flashes of anger and began to agree with me. Then I worried about it being ME to tell her, but one particularly kind and experienced nurse did it in dribs and drabs over a couple of days, and the next time I visited (i.e. yesterday), mum told me all about the fact that she would have to go into a care home, asked if I would look for places, and told me to put the house on the market!

Looking for a home - again, the social worker was brilliant in identifying suitable places (and discreetly not mentioning some of them at all), but her views and feelings weren't absolutely evident when we visited. One she thought was fabulous and fun to be in, appeared to us to be the dullest place on earth! My advice would be to pick about 3 that you are really keen on and go and visit a few more that you aren't keen on first - a bit like applying for jobs you don't really want in order to get some interview experience for the one you DO want. You start to know what to look for. Don't be afraid of making notes as you go round.

Yes, go more than once (you see different staff) and at different times of day (but none of them like you there at mealtimes, they are just too busy). Take a friend or other relative who might notice things that you haven't.

We found they all had friendly and caring staff and good food, but atmospheres varied. My mum is still sociable and reasonably active, so I didn't want her in an environment where the majority of residents were not. You'll be looking for different things for gran. Make sure there are ENOUGH staff, but the ratio won't be anything as good as it is in hospital and much depends on how much attention the residents need.

Hope this helps.

Much love in your support for your mum and gran, they are lucky to have you - but then it seems you've been lucky to have them too.

Margaret

 

[Margaret W]

Name tapes et al

Just a thought, perhaps easier to buy a laundry marker for some items.

Also, although the home will make a log of her belongings, useful to provide your own - mum has already lost her new glasses and her top set of partial dentures. On arrival, they recorded the glasses case but not whether there were any contents, so we don't know whose fault that it, but its likely they asked her if she wore dentures and she said "no" cos she thinks that word only applies to a full set.

Margaret