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Tension

chick1962

Registered User
Apr 3, 2014
11,282
near Folkestone
Need a bit of advice here please. As my son and Dil have just recently split up, son has moved in with us for a few month. At weekends we therefore have also our grandson staying so there is a lot of tension as John gets tired and also sundowns and the noisy toys and the screeching does get to him too as he is noise sensitive! It's very hard on my son too as John will get up a lot during the night and then puts the TV in bedroom on which is next to sons bedroom so like myself, son does not get a lot of sleep :( I am kind of piggy in the middle and can't please either, so stress is running high! Anybody has some suggestion as how to calm the situation? Son does see how John struggles and says he understands but you know how it is we grew into our journey where as my son jumped in half way along! I am really sad and don't know what to do?


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Beate

Registered User
May 21, 2014
12,010
London
How old is your son? If he is an adult with a job he should be able to find a flat to rent for him and his son. I appreciate that you are trying to help him but this situation clearly benefits no one and is unsustainable. If for whatever reason he can't find somewhere else to live right away, why can't your DIL look after her own son at weekends for the time being? It shouldn't be difficult for your son to understand that John being a vulnerable adult who can't remove himself from this situation, should come first in priority.
 

chick1962

Registered User
Apr 3, 2014
11,282
near Folkestone
Yeah I know Beate , my son is 31 and he is looking already but just wants to see and spend time with Charlie. Before this we used to have Charlie too but not like every weekend ! It's just hard on all of us but of course John is my priority but love me son too! X


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Beate

Registered User
May 21, 2014
12,010
London
Can he not spend time with Charlie somewhere else, ie take him out for the day then bring him back to his mum's for the night? I am sorry but I really think he needs to compromise here. Isn't it enough already that you are letting him stay? Sit him down and gently explain that both John and Charlie are suffering from the situation and a solution has to be found. This isn't about you not loving him or anything, this is about him facing up to the situation.
 

Cat27

Volunteer Moderator
Feb 27, 2015
11,454
Merseyside
Difficult one Chick

Could the noisy toys be put away when John sundowns?
Could son wear earplugs at night to block the TV noise?
 

Cat27

Volunteer Moderator
Feb 27, 2015
11,454
Merseyside
Can he not spend time with Charlie somewhere else, ie take him out for the day then bring him back to his mum's for the night? I am sorry but I really think he needs to compromise here. Isn't it enough already that you are letting him stay? Sit him down and gently explain that both John and Charlie are suffering from the situation and a solution has to be found. This isn't about you not loving him or anything, this is about him facing up to the situation.
But that deprives Chick of Charlie
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
71,507
Kent
Hello chick

It`s tough and your son will have his own problems if his relationship has broken up .

However he is the one who is living with you and so will have to take what`s offered. It`s not as if John can help himself and your son knows that. We as parents cannot be expected to provide a home for life for our children although we often do, but yours is John`s home first and foremost and he is very poorly.

The difficulties when your grandson is round every weekend are enough in themselves for John to cope with .

Poor you.

I remember when my husband couldn`t cope with family life. I missed many family occasions because I knew he wasn`t happy, was unable to engage in any group conversation and I was constantly on pins. It was easier for me to opt out too rather than worry about Dhiren.

I know you don`t have that option . Your son , however much you love him, should be trying to make it easier for you and his dad, not the other way round.
 

chick1962

Registered User
Apr 3, 2014
11,282
near Folkestone
It`s tough and your son will have his own problems if his relationship has broken up .

However he is the one who is living with you and so will have to take what`s offered. It`s not as if John can help himself and your son knows that. We as parents cannot be expected to provide a home for life for our children although we often do, but yours is John`s home first and foremost and he is very poorly.

The difficulties when your grandson is round every weekend are enough in themselves for John to cope with .

Poor you.

I remember when my husband couldn`t cope with family life. I missed many family occasions because I knew he wasn`t happy, was unable to engage in any group conversation and I was constantly on pins. It was easier for me to opt out too rather than worry about Dhiren.

I know you don`t have that option . Your son , however much you love him, should be trying to make it easier for you and his dad, not the other way round.
Thank you grannieG . It's such a hard one as I kind of lost my younger son because of situation :( they are my sons from first marriage! John and older son get on really well and they love each other like father and son but this all living together is testing us all and like you so rightly say John is already troubled enough with this sad illness! But I am scared I loose my older son too :(


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Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
71,507
Kent
But I am scared I loose my older son too
Tell your son chick. There`s no point telling John because he will not be able to adapt his behaviour but your son needs to know how frightened you are of pushing him away.
 

jugglingmum

Registered User
Jan 5, 2014
5,815
Chester
Some thoughts to fit into things:

Son wants to keep contact with his son (Charlie?) and so he has to make sure he works things right with ex, this also means you still get to see Charlie

Ex may not be too happy expecting to have a child free weekend and then not getting it, and she may say he can't have him at all if he wants to pick and choose when he has him so son probably needs to stick to any agreement with his ex.

So perhaps son stays in a B & b overnight with Charlie at least some weekends, booked far enough in advance some pretty cheap deals, and son also for now needs to work out how to occupy Charlie with quiet toys in the evening. Take Charlie to pub with play area for evening meal. I know these cost money but he will still be saving compared to renting flat. It's summer soon (we hope) lots of outside time - not sure how old Charlie is but toddlers can enjoy camping trips.

During the week son needs some earplugs or headphones with white noise.

Random jottings which I hope help, I tend to be a bit blunt with the way I write so hope not been.
 

tre

Registered User
Sep 23, 2008
1,353
Herts
Dear Chick,
My husband is a second marriage too and it is all a bit of a juggling act. He has two sons from his first marriage and one has two children, now almost 11 and 8. When they were younger it was a bit difficult. Last time he visited with the older child I wanted to have a talk with him as to it now being the time to put his dad first, as the children have more capacity to adapt than their granddad, but the son did not make space for this conversation to happen. It has taken me lots of hard reflection to realise that this son, although appearing OK on the surface, is not coping well with his dad's dementia and is using his children as human shields to avoid facing this. Luckily his younger son is better able to cope and we have had some quite difficult conversations as to what the future holds.
As to my two daughters, the one who lives locally has an 11 month old son and a not terribly supportive partner, as well as her own health issues. I try to help her as best I can and have my grandson one day a week whilst my husband is at daycare. My husband would not cope for a prolonged period with noisy toys and I know it would distress him if the little one cried which he can do if he gets over tired or hungry. My daughter and I had the conversation regarding my not being able to have the little one overnight as any disturbance then would definitely upset my husband. It does not help that my husband has a rare dementia which has made him blind so he relies very much on hearing which is why noise distresses him. My other daughter lives in London and I see very little of her basically because her working full time means she cannot visit in the day care window.
I think you just have to try to juggle things as best you can. I do feel at present my family are losing out a bit but my husband's needs with the dementia must take priority. I still need to have this conversation with my husband's elder son.
Tre
 

chick1962

Registered User
Apr 3, 2014
11,282
near Folkestone
Thank you all so much for your comments. It certainly made me think! It's all pulling on my heartstrings but my John is my priority and has to be . Will have to have a chat with my sonbeam and hope he will understand but he is already very stressed about the break up and it's problems . Sometimes I feel whatever I do seems wrong :( but I will try and jiggle and have more chats with son and Dil xxx


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Kjn

Registered User
Jul 27, 2013
5,835
My only advice chick would be to speak to your son, let him know you want this to work, you want to see charlie and you want him to sleep but you can't control John so everyone needs to flex instead of John and work together.
No point bottling things.
I push mum to be open with me and OH , she isn't with my older brothers, they have their lives etc:confused:they get handled with kid gloves.
Good luck and don't let the past blur your thoughts xxx
 

chick1962

Registered User
Apr 3, 2014
11,282
near Folkestone
I really feel for you,dementia is bad enough without family worries too. I'm sure you must be worried about your son's break up too,more so when you have a granchild.

My son had left home when my mum had dementia but wanted me at his beck and call.
I was only able to concentrate on poor mum,she was so poorly,and i had to be with her all the time to ensure she got good care.

Years later,mum is no longer here,my son will never forgive me for 'neglecting' him(his word's),but if i had my time again,i would do the same. He wasn't a child,he was a man,he knew my mum didn't have long to live,but still expected more from me.

Dementia tore my family apart,i do hope you can have a long talk with your son,and tell him how hard this situation is for you.

Thinking of you,and sending hugs.x
Aww thank you Kassy and Kjn just had a chat and a hug with son :) he said he knows and is sorry he's so stressed and he loves me and John . He just feels like he has lost everything, his home, his routine and his little son bless and our routine is so different from what his was. So hopefully it will be alright now for another 5 weeks and then we all can get back to our own normal, whatever that may be :) xxxx


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Kjn

Registered User
Jul 27, 2013
5,835
That's good to hear , least he has aired how stressed he is too. Hopefully now you can work together to compromise . Well done you :D x
 

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