My mum (my dad’s main carer) has been in hospital since Saturday with heart problems. I have stayed with my dad at their family home accompanied by either my husband or daughters which has been a great support.
However this is now night number 4 and each night when we go to bed my dad just won’t sleep. He’s unsettled and very frequently comes into my room upset and confused and asking where mum is. Obviously I can totally understand this but I am only human and after 3 nights of sleep deprivation I am really struggling to cope. The interruptions are constant and relentless. I’m exhausted.
Last night he got totally confused asking was it his mum in hospital (my dad is 77) and he thought I was my mum. I really found this hard to deal with, but just tried to stay calm and reassured him. Although he didn’t really listen and just told me his head was all over the place.
During the days he consistently asks the same questions over and over again, literally seconds apart. Again, I know he’s not doing this on purpose but I challenge anyone not to get overwhelmed and dare I say, annoyed!
He can’t be left alone since as in addition to Vascular Dementia, he has respiratory and cardio problems. We have managed things so far since it’s half term so my eldest daughter isn’t in college and my younger daughter is not at school this week. They, together with my son when he’s not in work, are able to ‘grandad sit’ to just be there. I have taken the week off work as annual leave.
Mum won’t be being discharged this week and it could well run into next week.
As much as I am here and will do all I can I have admitted to myself that we as a family just can’t sustain this level of care indefinitely.
I have made a phone call to social services to enquire whether we could get dad a temporary place at a residential care home, just for respite whilst mum is in hospital. I am waiting to hear back if a place has been found.
I have spoken to mum and she agrees that this would help and keep my dad safe.
Can anyone recommend the best way to present this ‘holiday’ to my dad in a way that doesn’t sound like we’re just ‘shoving’ him into a home. This is most definitely not what’s happening.
I am under no illusion that he will put up a fight, so I just want to package it in a positive light.
Any good spin doctors out there?
Thank you.
Our family have been in a very similar position, my Mum had to go into emergency respite care as my Father had a heart attack. We did not feel she was ready to go into a care home and felt enormous guilt about placing her in care, we worried so much about how she would feel.
I packed her case when she was out of the house and we told her a little story about going away for a few days and then took her to the home. She loved looking around and joked about how she might stay there, we took advice and slipped out when she wasn’t looking. Easy to do, but the guild afterwards is dreadful. Mum did settle quite quickly although she asked all the time when would she be coming home. We quickly realised Dad could no longer go on looking after her, it was affecting his health and so we decided Mum should stay permanently. The home is fantastic and there is plenty of entertainment going on and we know that this is better than her sitting watching TV day and night as there is nothing else she can do apart from being taken out by other people. It gives us great peace of mind that she is being well cared for in the right environment and we know and accept she will not get better, so as and when things deteriorate she will receive the correct care. Dad can now focus on getting better.
For us the next battle is to try and get some funding from Social Services, I’ve called them to explain the situation, I’m really unsure what happens next and have been warned that they will try to avoid paying. I am constantly shocked at the lack of support carers receive for caring for Alzheimers suffers and it seems yet more is to come.
I visit Mum every day and enjoy my visits, the CH and staff are wonderful, however my mind is constantly thinking of her and hoping she is really ok, I hope in time this will get easier.