• All threads and posts regarding Coronavirus COVID-19 can now be found in our new area specifically for Coronavirus COVID-19 discussion.

    You can directly access this area >here<.

Temporary respite care home - how to address it?

Roseleigh

Registered User
Dec 26, 2016
314
I'm thinking temporary with a view to permanent. It may not be what you want (it isn't what anyone wants) but there comes a time of need. How is your poor mum going to cope with your dad when she comes out of hospital? She's going to need plenty of rest and someone looking after her!

Sadly, your father isn't going to get any better. He needs a whole team of people to look after him now.

Mumof3
Jaded is
on the nail I am afraid. Your mum really should not be doing this anymore.
The exhaustion could kill her before your dad and he will have to go into care anyway. She has a heart problem which could be made worse by inadequate sleep and the stress of looking after a PWD. Her health needs should take precedence over your dads wishes.
 

Mumof3kids

Registered User
Aug 12, 2018
113
We used a big dry wipe notice board for my Dad when he was asking the same questions over and over again. Can your relative still read. Big writing simple explanations. Different categories, coming up, been and gone, where we are now. Been and gone was an important way of remembering nice things.

My father will always let me go when I explain I have to get home to cook my husbands tea/do his ironing/be there when he gets home from work. Even if I have to look after the children....all fully fledged and earning. These are things that are easier for him to accept because that was how life was.

Depending on how his memory is you could agree that he is NOT staying permanently just while your mum is convalescing. So much less washing for her if he is able to stay there. My father still thinks he has only been in care home for a couple of days even though now its 2 and half years. If he wants to get out I explain that husband is having an operation and if he can stay for a couple of weeks it would really help me. I know he could manage on his own perfectly well (not true) but that if he stays here I don't have to worry about him.

Sadly I do have to look after my husband because of his health needs. When it is put that way father gets in....although probably forgets it.
We used a big dry wipe notice board for my Dad when he was asking the same questions over and over again. Can your relative still read. Big writing simple explanations. Different categories, coming up, been and gone, where we are now. Been and gone was an important way of remembering nice things.

My father will always let me go when I explain I have to get home to cook my husbands tea/do his ironing/be there when he gets home from work. Even if I have to look after the children....all fully fledged and earning. These are things that are easier for him to accept because that was how life was.

Depending on how his memory is you could agree that he is NOT staying permanently just while your mum is convalescing. So much less washing for her if he is able to stay there. My father still thinks he has only been in care home for a couple of days even though now its 2 and half years. If he wants to get out I explain that husband is having an operation and if he can stay for a couple of weeks it would really help me. I know he could manage on his own perfectly well (not true) but that if he stays here I don't have to worry about him.

Sadly I do have to look after my husband because of his health needs. When it is put that way father gets in....although probably forgets it.
Hi @mancmum - thanks for your reply. I did try the writing reminders on the white board thing a couple of years ago - in the days when he could be left alone. Same thing as you. Putting the answers to the questions he would always ask. Unfortunately it didn't work for us. He just wouldn't look at the board.

I am sorry that your husband also has health needs - you have a lot on your plate.

Look after yourself x
 

Mumof3kids

Registered User
Aug 12, 2018
113
Mumof3
Jaded is
on the nail I am afraid. Your mum really should not be doing this anymore.
The exhaustion could kill her before your dad and he will have to go into care anyway. She has a heart problem which could be made worse by inadequate sleep and the stress of looking after a PWD. Her health needs should take precedence over your dads wishes.
Thanks. Myself and my husband have had this very conversation. This is the second time in 2 years that mum has been admitted into hospital, for the same heart problems. The stress of her situation has definitley contributed to her health issues. And with mum now talking honestly about how things have been with dad, we finally can see more of the real picture. Not the one she wanted to portray.

So, yes dad is in temporary respite, but both my husband and myself know that this has to become a permanet situation. As tough as it is. The decision needs to be made for my mum, she would not have the strength to make it. It's incredibly hard for us to make, never mind his loving wife of nearly 54 years.

I've learnt in the past couple of weeks that being firm is what is required now. The health of everyone and the needs of my poor dad have to be addressed. It is just too much for my mum to do 24/7 - and as much as I am there for her, we can't be with her in the early hours when dad in making his demands and she feels trapped and helpless.

As we all know, this illness isn't confined between the hours of 9-5.

Thank you x
 

Sirena

Registered User
Feb 27, 2018
2,199
As you say @Mumof3kids this is a decision that no one ever wants to have to make, but at some point it becomes unavoidable. Your mum just can't continue the way she has, and your dad will start to settle in the CH. Well done on getting your dad professional care, it's so difficult and stressful but it needed doing, and you did it.
 

Mumof3kids

Registered User
Aug 12, 2018
113
@Sirena and thank you and other members on this Forum for guiding and helping me through this - I really can't put into words how much your help, advice and understanding means to me.

@Roseleigh you're right - thank you for pointing what was staring me in the face. If, god forbid my mum wasn't there, my dad would be a carehome. This way I get to keep hold of my mum hopefully for a few more years to come.

xx
 

Roseleigh

Registered User
Dec 26, 2016
314
Thanks. Myself and my husband have had this very conversation. This is the second time in 2 years that mum has been admitted into hospital, for the same heart problems. The stress of her situation has definitley contributed to her health issues. And with mum now talking honestly about how things have been with dad, we finally can see more of the real picture. Not the one she wanted to portray.

So, yes dad is in temporary respite, but both my husband and myself know that this has to become a permanet situation. As tough as it is. The decision needs to be made for my mum, she would not have the strength to make it. It's incredibly hard for us to make, never mind his loving wife of nearly 54 years.

I've learnt in the past couple of weeks that being firm is what is required now. The health of everyone and the needs of my poor dad have to be addressed. It is just too much for my mum to do 24/7 - and as much as I am there for her, we can't be with her in the early hours when dad in making his demands and she feels trapped and helpless.

As we all know, this illness isn't confined between the hours of 9-5.

Thank you x
Glad to hear youve acted. I am sure its the right decision for your mum and you all as a family. If she feels guilt you ca remind her of this - that she isnt the only one who needs this you and your children do too.
 

Roseleigh

Registered User
Dec 26, 2016
314
Also, I know raising the financial side is something we all feel uncomfortable about, but while the short term costs of putting your dad in care is horrendous and crunches through your parents savings, if your mum outlves your dad then she will inherit the home and it will be protected, while if you lost her first the home could be used to pay for his care too .
Maybe this will make her feel better.
 

Mumof3kids

Registered User
Aug 12, 2018
113
Also, I know raising the financial side is something we all feel uncomfortable about, but while the short term costs of putting your dad in care is horrendous and crunches through your parents savings, if your mum outlves your dad then she will inherit the home and it will be protected, while if you lost her first the home could be used to pay for his care too .
Maybe this will make her feel better.
Yes the financial side of things is uncomfortable but moving forward we need to be fully equipped with as much info as possible. So thanks for the info. Much appreciated x
 

Mumof3kids

Registered User
Aug 12, 2018
113
I’ve not told mum but the home phoned yesterday. Dad was very very anxious wanting to speak to mum. They tried to calm him down. An hour later they called back. He was in a real state and I spoke to him. It was the worst thing I could’ve done. It made him worse and he was begging me to bring him home. Saying the place he was in is a warehouse... it was heartbreaking.

When I tried to explain why he was there just to reassure him he said that he would be dead in the morning and to enjoy his funeral.

If my heart could break any more it would.

The lady at the home was very very good and she called an hour later and he was calmer.

He’s seeing a doctor today to get checked over.

I’m thinking it might be due to them giving him his Risperdone med at different times to the times we gave it him at home, so it may have been wearing off. So that’s being looked at today.

I rang this morning and all ok.

I know he won’t remember the incident which is good.

I am trying to harden myself to our situation and stop getting so emotional but at the moment I’m failing.

I can’t think of anything else.
 

Sirena

Registered User
Feb 27, 2018
2,199
I know what you mean about it being all-consuming, you are making all the decisions and carrying all the mental load because you don't want to trouble your mother. I hope your dad feels more settled today, as you say he won't remember what happened previously, it's just you who has that upsetting memory. You just have to keep focussing on having done the right thing - you provided him with the care he needs.

How's your mum now?
 

Sarasa

Registered User
Apr 13, 2018
1,205
Sorry to hear about that @Mumof3kids . When mum was first in her care home they phoned me up a few times so I could try and calm her down. It didn't really work, as I wasn't going to agree to her going home. Getting on for ten months later she is fine most of the time.
I hope your dad is calmer today, his medicine has been tweaked and your mum is getting better.
 

Mumof3kids

Registered User
Aug 12, 2018
113
Sorry to hear about that @Mumof3kids . When mum was first in her care home they phoned me up a few times so I could try and calm her down. It didn't really work, as I wasn't going to agree to her going home. Getting on for ten months later she is fine most of the time.
I hope your dad is calmer today, his medicine has been tweaked and your mum is getting better.
Thank you @Sirena and @Sarasa

My mum’s heart rate is still erratic but we’re hoping the meds will stabilise it. I’m just visiting with a smile on my face to keep her from worrying. I know she feels guilty but after speaking to the home yesterday the lady I spoke to was so understanding and empathetic it did confirm he’s being looked after.

There’s just so much going on.

It’s a very difficult time but we just have to do what we feel is best for dad and best for mum.

I’m glad your mum is more settled now @Sarasa xx
 

Roseleigh

Registered User
Dec 26, 2016
314
There’s just so much going on.

It’s a very difficult time but we just have to do what we feel is best for dad and best for mum.
And you are doing the best thing. Probably best to tell your mum dad is doing well in the care home and with luck by the time she's home he will be! ;) She doesn't need to share the anxiety at the moment.
 

Mumof3kids

Registered User
Aug 12, 2018
113
And you are doing the best thing. Probably best to tell your mum dad is doing well in the care home and with luck by the time she's home he will be! ;) She doesn't need to share the anxiety at the moment.
@Roseleigh yes that’s what I’m doing.

My mum is already worrying ‘about what people will think’. So I’m trying hard to convince her those who have anything other than support and understanding are not real friends.

Like someone said previously- no one wants to do this, the situation forces the decision.

And I’ve told mum to tell anyone that this was MY decision in the hope that helps her x
 

jugglingmum

Registered User
Jan 5, 2014
5,737
Chester
My mum is already worrying ‘about what people will think’.
There are always busybody types that proceed to tell you how you should live your life (I have someone in work who continually criticises me for on line shopping from a certain supermarket as she can't afford it!!!!)

I hope you can persuade your mum to understand that the decision had to be made, and help her relax.
 

Sirena

Registered User
Feb 27, 2018
2,199
I found I was judged by my mother's friends and neighbours for NOT putting her in a CH soon enough for their liking! There will always be people who want to stick their oar in but they are not the ones having to make the very difficult decisions.
 

Helly68

Registered User
Mar 12, 2018
592
The important ones in all of this are you and your family. We also had judgement from others when Mummy moved to a permanent place in a care home. Funnily enough those with opinions only offered their "advice" and not actually any support. Drives me up the wall........
 

Canadian Joanne

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 8, 2005
16,423
66
Toronto, Canada
It's amazing how people with no actual experience can pontificate on and on about what one is doing wrong. I've had people in shops telling me very sanctimoniously they would never put a loved one in care. They are just a bunch of buttinskis and don't deserve a response.
 

Wishing20

New member
Feb 27, 2020
3
My mum (my dad’s main carer) has been in hospital since Saturday with heart problems. I have stayed with my dad at their family home accompanied by either my husband or daughters which has been a great support.

However this is now night number 4 and each night when we go to bed my dad just won’t sleep. He’s unsettled and very frequently comes into my room upset and confused and asking where mum is. Obviously I can totally understand this but I am only human and after 3 nights of sleep deprivation I am really struggling to cope. The interruptions are constant and relentless. I’m exhausted.

Last night he got totally confused asking was it his mum in hospital (my dad is 77) and he thought I was my mum. I really found this hard to deal with, but just tried to stay calm and reassured him. Although he didn’t really listen and just told me his head was all over the place.

During the days he consistently asks the same questions over and over again, literally seconds apart. Again, I know he’s not doing this on purpose but I challenge anyone not to get overwhelmed and dare I say, annoyed!

He can’t be left alone since as in addition to Vascular Dementia, he has respiratory and cardio problems. We have managed things so far since it’s half term so my eldest daughter isn’t in college and my younger daughter is not at school this week. They, together with my son when he’s not in work, are able to ‘grandad sit’ to just be there. I have taken the week off work as annual leave.

Mum won’t be being discharged this week and it could well run into next week.

As much as I am here and will do all I can I have admitted to myself that we as a family just can’t sustain this level of care indefinitely.

I have made a phone call to social services to enquire whether we could get dad a temporary place at a residential care home, just for respite whilst mum is in hospital. I am waiting to hear back if a place has been found.

I have spoken to mum and she agrees that this would help and keep my dad safe.

Can anyone recommend the best way to present this ‘holiday’ to my dad in a way that doesn’t sound like we’re just ‘shoving’ him into a home. This is most definitely not what’s happening.

I am under no illusion that he will put up a fight, so I just want to package it in a positive light.

Any good spin doctors out there?



Thank you.
Our family have been in a very similar position, my Mum had to go into emergency respite care as my Father had a heart attack. We did not feel she was ready to go into a care home and felt enormous guilt about placing her in care, we worried so much about how she would feel.
I packed her case when she was out of the house and we told her a little story about going away for a few days and then took her to the home. She loved looking around and joked about how she might stay there, we took advice and slipped out when she wasn’t looking. Easy to do, but the guild afterwards is dreadful. Mum did settle quite quickly although she asked all the time when would she be coming home. We quickly realised Dad could no longer go on looking after her, it was affecting his health and so we decided Mum should stay permanently. The home is fantastic and there is plenty of entertainment going on and we know that this is better than her sitting watching TV day and night as there is nothing else she can do apart from being taken out by other people. It gives us great peace of mind that she is being well cared for in the right environment and we know and accept she will not get better, so as and when things deteriorate she will receive the correct care. Dad can now focus on getting better.
For us the next battle is to try and get some funding from Social Services, I’ve called them to explain the situation, I’m really unsure what happens next and have been warned that they will try to avoid paying. I am constantly shocked at the lack of support carers receive for caring for Alzheimers suffers and it seems yet more is to come.
I visit Mum every day and enjoy my visits, the CH and staff are wonderful, however my mind is constantly thinking of her and hoping she is really ok, I hope in time this will get easier.
 

Mumof3kids

Registered User
Aug 12, 2018
113
It's amazing how people with no actual experience can pontificate on and on about what one is doing wrong. I've had people in shops telling me very sanctimoniously they would never put a loved one in care. They are just a bunch of buttinskis and don't deserve a response.
@jugglingmum @Helly68 @Sirena @Canadian Joanne - Thank you.

So far the close friends and family members we have told have been supportive. To our faces anyway!
It amazes me that when the subject is brought up, how many people have been where we are and can empathise. Which is really comforting.

I think a few were suprised as they didn't realise dad couldn't manage without 24 hour care - mum had done a very good job at hiding it.

Mum is making slow progress and I just need to reassure her as she's doing a lot of thinking whilst she's in hospital.

It's been over a week since dad went into emergency respite. And whilst I ring each morning and evening to check on him, I haven't as yet got the emotional courage to visit. I am so scared that my face will only set him back and unsettle him again. Although having seen my dad everyday for over a year, I am finding this so very tough.

xx