Temper tantrums!

[claire83]

I need to rant today! I live at home with my mum and my dad. My dad has alzheimers & has turned into a moody little brat who as soon as he doesn't get his own way has a tantrum. Today's melt down is due to my mum not liking a pair of shoes that he suggested to her. Instead of the usual shouting match he just said "****** you" & stormed out of the house (that was 5 hours ago) & we are all now just waiting at home waiting for him to come home & continue to be a brat! He is not that bad that he won't remember how to get home so not worried about that, he is staying out to "teach us a lesson". Does anyone else have these problems? We have been to our Dr we have spoken to the hospital & we have also spoken to our GP, but they all keep saying there is nothing they can do. Saying he is not ready for anti psychotic & there is nothing they can really do but somebody must be able to help to feels like all the drs are just passing the buck & sending us in a circle. I dont want him to go on anto psychotics until a last resort but its so hard to deal with him! My mum has unfortunately just had a very close relative die & is obviously very upset however my dad just not give her a break! Can anyone give me some advice or give me any idea of the best way to tackle these tantrums? I'm so cross with him today I just needed to get this off my chest!

 

[Beate]

He isn't contrary on purpose. He's got a brain disease. I know it's difficult but please try to understand that he can't change his behaviour - but you can. There is a very good article here on compassionate communication. This paragraph tries to explain:

"They are scared all the time. Each patient reacts differently to fear. They may become passive, uncooperative, hostile, angry, agitated, verbally abusive, or physically combative. They may even do them all at different times, or alternate between them. Anxiety may compel them to shadow you (follow everywhere). Anxiety compels them to resist changes in routine, even pleasant ones. Your goal is to reduce anxiety whenever possible. Also, they can’t remember your reassurances. Keep saying them."

And forgive them - always.

http://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/show...ionate-Communication-with-the-Memory-Impaired

 

[susy]

I agree he can't help his behaviour but I would temper this with... Come on here and rant away as much as you want to.
Give your mum a cuddle and just wait for his return. With toddlers I tend to ignore the bad behaviour and praise and encourage the good. When the behaviour can't be ignored then deal with it using the compassionate communication. It's hard this journey. Just know that you are not alone.

 

[claire83]

Thank you for your replies! Yes you are right & I can't even imagine what it must be like for him! I just hate that we all walk around on eggshells not to upset him & no matter what we do/dont do something just sets him off. This happens daily (not the storming out) the tantrums. I sometimes dont like going to work or goi g out as im so worried about whats going on at home! Its effecting how we all live. We dont do anything without running it passed him or lying so we dont upset him.My mum has just said her stomach is churning as she is so worried about how he will be when he gets home. I just can't understand why we can't get more help?

 

[Beate]

You seem to have only spoken to doctors yet? What about social services for a needs assessment, and a carers assessment for your mother? She's entitled to one by law. You could ask for a few days per week at the day centre, and respite, ie a few weeks a year in a care home. That would give you all some breathing space.
If you say the magical phrase "you have duty of care for a vulnerable adult at risk" they can't ignore you. Mention the wandering - that puts him at risk.

 

[Spamar]

Sorry if I'm being an idiot, but he's been gone 5 hours? I would be very worried by now. You know whether he is normally away that long and whether he can find his way home ( it was one of the first things my OH lost). I'm not sure he could be 'paying you back' for that long.
Please tell me I'm an idiot to worry!

 

[claire83]

He is home now. He came back at 10.45pm. We dont know where he has been & he isn't talking to any of us. This will now continue for days! He is not that bad that he doesn't know where he is & wouldnt know how to get home or anything! He is nit that bad that we can put him into respite as he would never agree! He refuses to even go to any of the groups. He is just a totally different person. I always thought alzheimers was just about people forgetting things & getting nasty because they couldn't remember who people were & were scared (I didn't know anyone with it before) & although he forgets little things & now has difficulty reading etc his biggest problem is his personality. He goes out of his way to spite my mum or to find ways of having a go at her. He would never have done this before the illness! I don't think your an idiot but you might not have met a man as pig headed & stubborn as my dad! Glad he is safe though! Just need advice on what to do with him. I worry about mum & want to help both of them!

 

[Beate]

He is trying to keep his independence. I get that. But he is still a vulnerable adult who gets a little bit worse every day so please at least get him a tracker so you know where he is! Wandering can be extremely dangerous, even if he knows how to get back home. He could get run over or be taken advantage by someone. 10 hours is way too long for you not to get worried about where he is. If you'd called the police to find him they would have had to write a report which would help you enormously in any argument with social services or the GP. Vanishing for 10 hours is not normal, and should be recorded.

 

[Cat27]

He is home now. He came back at 10.45pm. We dont know where he has been & he isn't talking to any of us. This will now continue for days! He is not that bad that he doesn't know where he is & wouldnt know how to get home or anything! He is nit that bad that we can put him into respite as he would never agree! He refuses to even go to any of the groups. He is just a totally different person. I always thought alzheimers was just about people forgetting things & getting nasty because they couldn't remember who people were & were scared (I didn't know anyone with it before) & although he forgets little things & now has difficulty reading etc his biggest problem is his personality. He goes out of his way to spite my mum or to find ways of having a go at her. He would never have done this before the illness! I don't think your an idiot but you might not have met a man as pig headed & stubborn as my dad! Glad he is safe though! Just need advice on what to do with him. I worry about mum & want to help both of them!

The changes in my dad's behaviour was the trigger for me getting help for him.
He has tantrums but they are caused by frustration, fear & anger. My dad seems to have reverted to childhood in lots of ways.
My dad has always liked his own way & still insists on it. The tantrums come when we intervene to keep him safe.

I would get a tracker on his keys or phone or in/on whatever he always takes out.

 

[Callandergirl]

My husband was diagnosed as having Alzheimer's 2 years ago and was put on medication. It made no difference. The progress of his disease has revealed he has fronto temporal dementia which affects his personality, makes him less inhibited, he has no insight into how his behaviour affects others and since he has no reasoning or logic left he won't be persuaded that he's putting himself in danger. We had a tracker but that only tells you where he is, it won't stop him getting into situations that allows people to take advantage of him. My oh was talking to complete strangers and giving information about himself which he shouldn't have done. He was also spending money inappropriately - 4 taxis in one day at as cost of £85 and he began drinking which made him violent towards me. He became a completely different person from my lovely, gentle husband.

He is now in care on the advice of the mental health team, one of whom spent 2 hours per week with him for 10 weeks. It sounds as though you need to put real pressure on the mental health team to 're-assess him and to establish relationships with social services on behalf of a vulnerable person at risk. I don't believe my husband is scared, frustrated etcetera. His brain is functioning differently and will continue to do so. xx

 

[canary]

Thank you CG. My OH has FTD too and when I read this thread, I said to myself "Actually this sounds like FTD to me"
OH is just like a toddler too. Once, at the beginning before diagnosis, he took himself off for 3 days without telling anyone where he was going. At the end he phoned up from a nearby youth hostel asking for a lift home as if nothing had happened. When I asked why he had dont it he said he was fed up with women (he meant me, his mother and his female GP) telling him what to do.
Control, or lack of it, is a huge area of concern to him. I think he is aware that he is no longer in control of things, but thinks it is due to other people controlling him rather than because he can no longer do things himself. Because of this, he likes to control everything he can around him - including me.
I now give him space to do his own thing and no longer ask him to do things, but Im constantly walking on egg-shells. Im sorry I cant give more advice.

 

[chrisdee]

I don't want to scare you, but I am very concerned about your father's prolonged wandering. My Mum used to do this ' to teach us a lesson ie she is fine' she was safe at first, but after about 2/3months, she was gone for longer and we called the Police on several occasions. she was relatively safe in a smallish Yorkshire village, but once she was nearly knocked over by a neighbour's car, so we had to take action. This could well be a progression of the disease, and safe can turn dangerous very quickly. After much pleading, we got mental health on board. My brother was sole carer for part of the day and overnight. It all became too much and our only recourse was residential care. We had to do this by stealth before she caused an accident, for which presumably we could have been held responsible. Get the professionals involved asap is my advice.

 

[smartieplum]

My mum isn't bad tempered but acts like a big baby at times!

 

[claire83]

Can I just say thank you to everyone who has responded! Since his outburst that weekend he has been better although we have had a few moods but nothing like that weekend! I know I sounded very angry & heartless & to be honest I was because it was my birthday weekend & I was supposed to have plans which I had to cancel because of it all & it was also the first year he didnt wish me a happy birthday so was feeling a bit down ( selfish I know with what he is putting up with but....)! Its strange though becausw after that weekend we have noticed a big decline in his memory & communication but tablets have been changed so hopefully wont see a further decline for a while. I just hope he continues being as calm as he has been these last few weeks. Life has been a lot nicer for him, my mum & me! Im sorry to hear about people going through the same thing! I hope you get to a peaceful stage too soon

 

[canary]

Oh claire, Im so sorry that your birthday plans got cancelled.
It is not selfish - it is natural to want occasions acknowledged. This year OH totally forgot my birthday too It made me feel disappointed and unappreciated even though I knew he could not help it. Its very sad when things like that bring home to you the deterioration.