1. Bee.quilt

    Bee.quilt Registered User

    Dec 29, 2017
    81
    Lovely afternoon sweeping leaves together. Companionable meal. Dvd chosen for his enjoyment then wham! Expectation of sex deflected. OH throws glass of wine at me. Sweeps everything off his side table . Slams glass door in tirade of abuse. I hasten to switch off tv, fire, lights and hurry to bed behind locked door. So here I am, unable to sleep, gasping for a cup of tea, and wishing I’d collected my book when I retreated. Tomorrow I shall taxi out. I’ll leave his pills ready but he’s on his own for food and drinks. This isn’t New. Alzheimer’s just exaggerates it. He’ll have no memory or interest in my upset. I expect I’ll calm down and carry on for another day.
     
  2. Izzy

    Izzy Volunteer Moderator

    Aug 31, 2003
    59,946
    Female
    Dundee
    I’m sorry you’re experiencing this @Bee.quilt. I think you’ve previously posted on the forum about facing violence. Have you ever reported his violence to police? I know that any such reports serve as a record of the fact that you are in an extremely vulnerable situation. You shouldn’t be living in fear of violence against you.

    it might be an idea to discuss your situation with a Helpline advisor -

    0300 222 11 22

    Opening hours -

    Monday to Wednesday 9am – 8pm
    Thursday and Friday 9am – 5pm
    Saturday and Sunday 10am – 4pm
     
  3. PalSal

    PalSal Registered User

    Excellent advice.....
     
  4. DesperateofDevon

    DesperateofDevon Registered User

    Jul 7, 2019
    1,965
    Oh my lovely, you need to ring the advice line ASAP

    I could say call social services, 111 next time that happens or 999! But it’s a difficult situation.

    no one should live in fear of this behaviour at any point in their life.
    Dementia or no dementia.
    Sending you the strength & love to make the best decisions for you. x
     
  5. TNJJ

    TNJJ Registered User

    May 7, 2019
    797
    Female
    cornwall
    I should phone the police 999 next time.Try and keep your mobile with you..
    Do you have a safe place???
     
  6. Olliebeak

    Olliebeak Registered User

    Sep 13, 2014
    76
    Buckinghamshire
    As a victim of domestic abuse (I have been there), I believe you will reach a point where you finally think “this cannot continue” and you have to get out. All the other posters above are right. You need to make social services aware and plan your escape. You deserve better sweetheart!
     
  7. Bee.quilt

    Bee.quilt Registered User

    Dec 29, 2017
    81
    Thank you all for your replies. Sometimes I let the situation overwhelm me so talking point feels like a refuge. I’m back to myself today and coping again. Cruelly intending to tell OH that the puddle and splatter of wine on the carpet is going to be explained to visitors as his piddle. (Won’t really do that but the laugh the thought gives me is enough ) cheers and hugs to all you fellow carers. We’re lovely people. Bxx
     
  8. DesperateofDevon

    DesperateofDevon Registered User

    Jul 7, 2019
    1,965
    that made me smile! Battlefield sense of humour I call it; hope todays an easier day. xx
     
  9. Jacky54

    Jacky54 New member

    Aug 5, 2019
    6
    I too experience temper tantrums from my husband. It’s typical sundowners and if I try to leave the room things get physical so I’ve learned to sit it out. Our son and girlfriend came this evening and OH’s temper got the better of him sending wine over the table. He doesn’t drink, so it really is the dementia. The swearing and wall punching must be so tiring for him. It certainly exhausts me! I find later in the day very trying and dare not have wine unless there is someone else in the house. I’m beginning to resent having to maintain the status quo all day, every day. More power to our elbows!
     
  10. Roseleigh

    Roseleigh Registered User

    Dec 26, 2016
    280
    Beequilt and Jacky, do you allow your partners with dementia to drink alcohol? Given how alcohol fuels both sexuality and aggression, if you do so I'd suggest its time to stop. They are confused enough sober, and dont need to be made worse.:eek:

    I'd also say if he is given to unwanted sexual attention then best not to engage in activities which smack of romantic potential, however much you may enjoy these (meal out in restaurant for example).
     
  11. Roseleigh

    Roseleigh Registered User

    Dec 26, 2016
    280
    Better to put him in residential care don'y you think?
     
  12. Olliebeak

    Olliebeak Registered User

    Sep 13, 2014
    76
    Buckinghamshire
    Yes definitely - but he’s not gonna go quietly!
     
  13. TNJJ

    TNJJ Registered User

    May 7, 2019
    797
    Female
    cornwall
    Not is my dad! I’m stuck with the capacity issue even though he needs 24hour care..
     
  14. Jacky54

    Jacky54 New member

    Aug 5, 2019
    6
    My OH doesn’t drink and I won’t drink alone in the house. He’s always been controlling but since dementia it’s worse and of course there’s no reasoning with him. At the moment I manage by not saying or doing anything that might cause an outburst. Things could be worse. He’s taking more responsibility for his personal care for the time being so I’m grateful for a bit of respite in that respect for as long as it lasts.
     
  15. Roseleigh

    Roseleigh Registered User

    Dec 26, 2016
    280
    Mine too has always had a short temper (though not 'controlling' with it) and is vulnerable to outbursts as the dementia has got worse. In the early stages he was interestingly more passive and quieter than pre dementia. He too has knocked things including glasses.
    I am currently taking a very firm line on any kind of shouting or abusive behaviour and withdrawing communication (and practical help if he keeps it up) but I give him a chance to return to normality after a 10 minute cooling off. It seems to be working, which makes me think that he has a bit more control over it than he appears to.
     

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