Telling my Mum about a close family member having died.. or not?

[Gosling]

I am new to this forum so please bear with me. My Mum, 91, and is in late stages of dementia having been in a local care home for nearly 8 years now. Her daughter in law (my sister in law) sadly passed away yesterday at the age of 68.(lung cancer). I am devastated as obviously is my brother.
Mum is now totally unresponsive, unable to communicate, and has to be 'fed and watered' by the care home staff. She has lost the use of her legs, and is essentially now unable to do anything by herself.
Do I tell her about this close family bereavement? She doesn't give any indication at all that she comprehends anything that is said to her, and shows no expression of any understanding. Because of this, I feel inclined not to say anything as I don't think she will understand. I also wouldn't want to cause her any grief or distress that she is unable to communicate.
But somehow it seems wrong not telling her. She and my sister in law were very close.
Any thoughts please would be most welcome.

 

[canary]

Hello @Gosling and welcome to Talking Point

Im so sorry to hear about your sister in law, Im sure you must be devastated
I wouldnt actually tell your mum, for all the reasons that you mentioned. It seems heartless, but with dementia there are many, many occasions when it is better to say nothing.
xx

 

[Knitandpurl]

I am new to this forum so please bear with me. My Mum, 91, and is in late stages of dementia having been in a local care home for nearly 8 years now. Her daughter in law (my sister in law) sadly passed away yesterday at the age of 68.(lung cancer). I am devastated as obviously is my brother.
Mum is now totally unresponsive, unable to communicate, and has to be 'fed and watered' by the care home staff. She has lost the use of her legs, and is essentially now unable to do anything by herself.
Do I tell her about this close family bereavement? She doesn't give any indication at all that she comprehends anything that is said to her, and shows no expression of any understanding. Because of this, I feel inclined not to say anything as I don't think she will understand. I also wouldn't want to cause her any grief or distress that she is unable to communicate.
But somehow it seems wrong not telling her. She and my sister in law were very close.
Any thoughts please would be most welcome.

Hi, I am do sorry to hear about your sister in law. I would agree with ‘Canary’ though about not telling your Mum. At the start of Covid my Mum’s sister in law in Australia died - they had always been very close, courted together, write letters, and visited despite the distance on a number of occasions. My sister and I decided not to tell her until ‘I could hug her and offer comfort’, even kept this up near Xmas when she found letter from the previous Xmas, and read it out to her. When I finally told her I felt dreadful but she just accepted it, no tears, nothing, just said “only me left now”. But I think she immediately forgot, still wanted me to do card, letter and calendar last Xmas - I just went along with it, seemed the kindest thing.

 

[imthedaughter]

I didn't tell my dad that his mother in law, who we both adored, died last September. I couldn't do it, it was too distressing. If he asks how she is I say (not untruthfully) that she is fine now and her cancer has gone away. I can't face telling him she's dead and have him grieve over and over and I think it will unsettle him even if he forgets immediately.

 

[SeaSwallow]

My mum and dad were both in the same nursing home. Mum passed away and dad kept forgetting. At first we would remind him and then he would grieve all over again. In the end the nursing sister suggested that we just said that mum was in bed or some other excuse and he accepted that. Although we hated lying it was the kindest option.

 

[Canadian Joanne]

I agree with everyone else that love lies are the best now. My mother would ask how her parents were. I would answer "They're fine, same as always" which was true in a sense as they had died 35+ years earlier. When she asked where they were, I would truthfully give the name of the town where the cemetery was located. When she said she wanted to visit, I would immediately agree and say "Let's go the day after tomorrow, as I have a dentist's appointment tomorrow".

 

[goose64]

My father-in-law recently died when my mother-in-law asks where he is we say his visiting his favourite cousin who died about 10 years ago

 

[Kaylong]

Ah - it’s a difficult one. I’ve just had to tell my mum that her husband died two weeks ago, and I have had to break the news to her about 10 times but she said she appreciated being told. Even though she kept forgetting and being sad about it. My mum has late stage Alzheimer’s but is in better shape than yours though @Gosling, by the sound of it. I’m not sure I would’ve told her if she was further down the line though. Unless she would ask for him. I’m so sorry to hear about your loss. It’s so hard to deal with on top of everything else.

 

[Gosling]

Hello @Gosling and welcome to Talking Point

Im so sorry to hear about your sister in law, Im sure you must be devastated
I wouldnt actually tell your mum, for all the reasons that you mentioned. It seems heartless, but with dementia there are many, many occasions when it is better to say nothing.
xx

Thank you so much for your comments - it did help me come to the decision not to tell Mum the sad news this week. I feel bad for not doing so, but think, all things considered, it is for the best x

 

[Gosling]

Hi, I am do sorry to hear about your sister in law. I would agree with ‘Canary’ though about not telling your Mum. At the start of Covid my Mum’s sister in law in Australia died - they had always been very close, courted together, write letters, and visited despite the distance on a number of occasions. My sister and I decided not to tell her until ‘I could hug her and offer comfort’, even kept this up near Xmas when she found letter from the previous Xmas, and read it out to her. When I finally told her I felt dreadful but she just accepted it, no tears, nothing, just said “only me left now”. But I think she immediately forgot, still wanted me to do card, letter and calendar last Xmas - I just went along with it, seemed the kindest thing.

Thank you - As you say, you want to do the kindest thing - so I have decided not to tell Mum the sad news this week. Doesn't feel quite right, but I think its the best under the circumstances

 

[Gosling]

I didn't tell my dad that his mother in law, who we both adored, died last September. I couldn't do it, it was too distressing. If he asks how she is I say (not untruthfully) that she is fine now and her cancer has gone away. I can't face telling him she's dead and have him grieve over and over and I think it will unsettle him even if he forgets immediately.

Thanks for your reply - I decided not to tell Mum the sad news this week. It would be too distressing for her, and as she is unable to communicate at all, I don't want to cause her any grief or upset that she can't express

 

[Gosling]

My mum and dad were both in the same nursing home. Mum passed away and dad kept forgetting. At first we would remind him and then he would grieve all over again. In the end the nursing sister suggested that we just said that mum was in bed or some other excuse and he accepted that. Although we hated lying it was the kindest option.

Similarly, I hate not telling the truth to Mum, but I came to the decision not to tell her the sad news. As you say, the kindest way.

 

[Gosling]

I agree with everyone else that love lies are the best now. My mother would ask how her parents were. I would answer "They're fine, same as always" which was true in a sense as they had died 35+ years earlier. When she asked where they were, I would truthfully give the name of the town where the cemetery was located. When she said she wanted to visit, I would immediately agree and say "Let's go the day after tomorrow, as I have a dentist's appointment tomorrow".

'Love lies are the best now' Yes, sadly that is the case - I haven't told Mum about her daughter in laws passing this week. It doesn't sit particularly well with me, but it is the kindest way I think.

 

[Gosling]

My father-in-law recently died when my mother-in-law asks where he is we say his visiting his favourite cousin who died about 10 years ago

My Mum can't communicate at all now, so I have decided the kindest way is to not tell her the sad family news this week. Don't want to cause her any upset that she can't express.

 

[Gosling]

Ah - it’s a difficult one. I’ve just had to tell my mum that her husband died two weeks ago, and I have had to break the news to her about 10 times but she said she appreciated being told. Even though she kept forgetting and being sad about it. My mum has late stage Alzheimer’s but is in better shape than yours though @Gosling, by the sound of it. I’m not sure I would’ve told her if she was further down the line though. Unless she would ask for him. I’m so sorry to hear about your loss. It’s so hard to deal with on top of everything else.

Indeed, this is so difficult. In the end this week, I decided not to tell Mum the sad family news. As she can't talk at all now or express herself in any way, I thought it the kindest way. It feels wrong somehow but.....

 

[Slartibartfast]

Hiya,

• my mum has dementia and had six siblings all of whom are dead and had been for years before mum's diagnosis.
• when i first started looking after her, the day after my father died, i had no idea she had dementia and knew nothing about the subject.
• i felt it was important to tell her the truth so every time she asked after this brother or that sister i would tell her they had died some years previously.
• it was only after the third or fourth iteration of this sort of exchange that I realised the news always came as a terrible shock and surprise to her.
• so i spoke to her about her siblings and asked her what they were doing now and she presented an idealised version of their present lives, e.g. Ron is working on a farm, Audrey has gone to the USA, etc, etc
• thereafter every time she asked me what any one of her siblings were doing i would repeat her idealised version of their lives and she would be happy.

i suggest you do something similar.

 

[Sunshine11!]

With some prompting from another family member (who told me that mum had some “sad news to tell me” ), my mum then told me that one of their neighbours had died. I’m wondering what this means to her emotionally.

 

[Knitandpurl]

Neighbours can figure quite large in day to day life, so could possibly be a big loss for her, could/would she be able to tell you? Without any more info from her you really have no idea whether this is s major loss of company or support on a daily basis, or just a bit of ‘news’, that has no real impact on her. Hard one…