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Techniques to move "I don't want to go into a home" into a home

notsogooddtr

Registered User
Jul 2, 2011
936
Sorry for the tangent, OP.

TooHard, I am sorry to hear my post resonated so much with you and that you face such a difficult situation with your mother. My description was actually a bit sanitized; my mother's home was filthy and horrible beyond belief. (It's difficult to imagine that dementia, or any disease, could affect one's brain and perception to the degree that living in dirty, unsafe, and miserable conditions, combined with constant anxiety and distress, could be interpreted as "fine." I really, really hate dementia.)

I have lots of sympathy to offer, and not much useful advice. Just two things:

1) if family is all at a distance from your mother, move her closer to the person with PoA, or the person who will be able to visit most, or just closer to someone. I moved my mother from 100 miles away to 10 miles away and it's been a huge relief, just to have the drive shortened.

2) if you are able, investigate care home options BEFORE you need them. You could even put her on some waiting lists; it's usually not a big deal to refuse a place if it becomes available, but remain on the list. I wish I'd had more time to look at care homes and that I hadn't had to do it in a hurry, stressed, and upset while she was in hospital. (One of my dirty little secrets is that I never saw the care home my mother moved into, until she moved in. I was 100 miles away with her in hospital and my husband is the one who picked out the care home here where we live. I normally don't even admit this on TP because it seems [insert judgemental word here], but it is what we did. All judgement aside, it was not a method I'd recommend.)

You have my sympathy. It is awful to know you have to wait for the crisis. I'm so sorry.
I didn't see my Dad's NH either,and have no clear recollection of how it was chosen or by who.He was discharged from hospital for rehab but never left.Thank goodness it has worked out.At the time my sister had recently died after a long struggle with cancer,for the previous my parents had staggered from crisis to crisis and I was literally at the point of breaking down.Terrible times.
 

TooHard

Registered User
Sep 16, 2015
109
Sorry for the tangent, OP.

TooHard, I am sorry to hear my post resonated so much with you and that you face such a difficult situation with your mother. My description was actually a bit sanitized; my mother's home was filthy and horrible beyond belief. (It's difficult to imagine that dementia, or any disease, could affect one's brain and perception to the degree that living in dirty, unsafe, and miserable conditions, combined with constant anxiety and distress, could be interpreted as "fine." I really, really hate dementia.)

I have lots of sympathy to offer, and not much useful advice. Just two things:

1) if family is all at a distance from your mother, move her closer to the person with PoA, or the person who will be able to visit most, or just closer to someone. I moved my mother from 100 miles away to 10 miles away and it's been a huge relief, just to have the drive shortened.

2) if you are able, investigate care home options BEFORE you need them. You could even put her on some waiting lists; it's usually not a big deal to refuse a place if it becomes available, but remain on the list. I wish I'd had more time to look at care homes and that I hadn't had to do it in a hurry, stressed, and upset while she was in hospital. (One of my dirty little secrets is that I never saw the care home my mother moved into, until she moved in. I was 100 miles away with her in hospital and my husband is the one who picked out the care home here where we live. I normally don't even admit this on TP because it seems [insert judgemental word here], but it is what we did. All judgement aside, it was not a method I'd recommend.)

You have my sympathy. It is awful to know you have to wait for the crisis. I'm so sorry.
Yes...my mother's home is filthy too. When we were children she kept the house immaculate but once we left home she was much less bothered about dirt and mess but now...the smell hits you as soon as you enter and I find it very difficult. It's exacerbated by her near blindness - she can't see that she hasn't washed the dishes adequately and there's blue moulded food around, under and on the draining board next to "clean" cutlery and dishes. She feeds the birds cheese and seed and scatters this on the floor. I clean as much as I can when I'm there but it's totally inadequate. Three different GPs and several district nurses have seen/smelt it but they must have seen worse or are just not bothered.

If - when - the need for a care home arises it would be my intention to make sure she moves nearer. It's already too much to drive there and back in a day so I always stay for at least one, but usually 2 or 3 nights which won't be possible if she's in a care home. Visiting would be a nightmare and I'd want to be able to visit often if she were in one. I've already asked if this is possible and apparently it is.

I hadn't given any thought to looking now - I think it would make me feel too disloyal/guilty at this point.

Notsogood: Both social services and her GPs have said that so long as my mother has capacity she can refuse help (I had asked her GP to provide help with her meds but because she refused they just (metaphorically) shrugged and left her to it. Even the dementia specialist wasn't bothered when she refused his offer of medication or when I said she didn't take her current meds.

To be honest, I think the whole system stinks. It's one thing to say that we have the right to our opinions/feelings/actions but another to leave us to risk our health and well being when we are unable to make reasonable/logical/safe decisions for ourselves.
 

notsogooddtr

Registered User
Jul 2, 2011
936
Yes...my mother's home is filthy too. When we were children she kept the house immaculate but once we left home she was much less bothered about dirt and mess but now...the smell hits you as soon as you enter and I find it very difficult. It's exacerbated by her near blindness - she can't see that she hasn't washed the dishes adequately and there's blue moulded food around, under and on the draining board next to "clean" cutlery and dishes. She feeds the birds cheese and seed and scatters this on the floor. I clean as much as I can when I'm there but it's totally inadequate. Three different GPs and several district nurses have seen/smelt it but they must have seen worse or are just not bothered.

If - when - the need for a care home arises it would be my intention to make sure she moves nearer. It's already too much to drive there and back in a day so I always stay for at least one, but usually 2 or 3 nights which won't be possible if she's in a care home. Visiting would be a nightmare and I'd want to be able to visit often if she were in one. I've already asked if this is possible and apparently it is.

I hadn't given any thought to looking now - I think it would make me feel too disloyal/guilty at this point.

Notsogood: Both social services and her GPs have said that so long as my mother has capacity she can refuse help (I had asked her GP to provide help with her meds but because she refused they just (metaphorically) shrugged and left her to it. Even the dementia specialist wasn't bothered when she refused his offer of medication or when I said she didn't take her current meds.

To be honest, I think the whole system stinks. It's one thing to say that we have the right to our opinions/feelings/actions but another to leave us to risk our health and well being when we are unable to make reasonable/logical/safe decisions for ourselves.
I couldn't agree more.I hope that someone will recognise your mum's plight and that she can be helped soon.Take care
 

chrisdee

Registered User
Nov 23, 2014
171
Yorkshire
Just felt that I had to respond to Notsogood and TooHard. You are right that the system stinks. About 10 years ago, OH had an aunt and uncle in the Midlands who reached this point [no nearby relatives]. Their cleaner reported to supervisor and eventually Social Services. They were living on biscuits and the cats had **** everywhere. Social Services moved them into a basic care home. Uncle's son, fortunately rich, came to rescue them and put them somewhere nice near him. So my point is, ten years ago people were 'rescued'but it obvs. rarely happens now due to funding cuts. Our council tax here is being increased for adult SS, and I'm delighted to pay this, year on year if needs be. See my post no 38, I spent months with capacity worries. Quite obvious why no one will ever be assessed as losing capacity as SS might have to take up responsbility! what will happen when home ownership drops, and self-funding with it. heaven only knows. Thinking of you.