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Tears

Daisy1950

Registered User
May 20, 2020
20
Every day. I love him but I don't know how long I can go on doing this. His reality is so far from real yet he argues all the time, won't accept what I say because he "knows" better. All I get is abuse.
 

Di G

New member
Jul 5, 2020
2
My heart goes out to you Daisy. This is such a cruel illness. I hope you find the strength to do the best for you both. Take care.
 

Larker

Registered User
Mar 1, 2019
56
East Yorkshire
Every day. I love him but I don't know how long I can go on doing this. His reality is so far from real yet he argues all the time, won't accept what I say because he "knows" better. All I get is abuse.
I know how you feel. I love my OH but this awful disease makes it so difficult. I do personal care tasks I didn't think I could. We always kiss goodnight and say "I love you," it keeps me going. All the best to you.
 

Bezzy1946

Registered User
Jul 18, 2017
33
73
Watford
This is such an awful illness. Alan went into care home at beginning of February. It had got so bad at home that I had to make that decision although it broke my heart to do it. Apart from the incontinence and falling over it was the abuse, shouting at me, telling me to get out of the house, raising his hands to hit me (although he never did he wasn’t like that), telling me to get on with the job of clearing up poo off the floor as he paid me well. Swearing at me all the time. I knew he never meant any of it as he loves me. I haven’t been able to see anything of him of course but managed three visits last month before the home went into lockdown again. It’s nice as he is pleased to see me and tells me he loves me it’s much nicer to be his wife than his Carer.
 

Hazara8

Registered User
Apr 6, 2015
486
Every day. I love him but I don't know how long I can go on doing this. His reality is so far from real yet he argues all the time, won't accept what I say because he "knows" better. All I get is abuse.
The imposter who has claimed the loved one, is both interloper and mischief maker. It uses the once lucid and communicable one whom one has known throughout the whole relationship, in a manner which knows nothing of the sheer level of hurt that it engenders, nor the way it deceives by mimicking behaviour seemingly enacted with intent, when in fact it is a false enactment and the person living with dementia as innocent of it as the newly born child. Abuse, aggression , indifference, rejection, these presentations
make for alienation and an understandable sense of despair if not sheer mental exhaustion. Amidst the seemingly antagonistic behaviour come those fleeting moments which inform one that the " actual " person is truly present and vulnerable and totally reliant on the care being so willingly given. It is none the less extremely difficult to feel the worthiness of that care when the cold eye of rejection meets yours in a way befitting a total stranger hell bent on countering everything you say by proxy.

Amidst all of this remains a truth which one sees time and time again. The loved one, despite the ravages of dementia, remains in essence. Hidden perhaps behind that veil of indifference and non recognition for the greater part. Yet touch a certain spot, strike a certain chord, a particular word or a familiar tune, take hold of a hand and simply connect, just be there to offer comfort and solace to someone you know to be there and that can but only afford one a profound sense of both worth and meaning. Caring for a loved one with dementia is a huge and demanding thing. And when that caring comes to an end, there is a sense of having been part of something which seeks no recognition nor reward, but which enhances one's humanity and awareness in a way that never ever forsakes you.
 

jennifer1967

Registered User
Mar 15, 2020
326
The imposter who has claimed the loved one, is both interloper and mischief maker. It uses the once lucid and communicable one whom one has known throughout the whole relationship, in a manner which knows nothing of the sheer level of hurt that it engenders, nor the way it deceives by mimicking behaviour seemingly enacted with intent, when in fact it is a false enactment and the person living with dementia as innocent of it as the newly born child. Abuse, aggression , indifference, rejection, these presentations
make for alienation and an understandable sense of despair if not sheer mental exhaustion. Amidst the seemingly antagonistic behaviour come those fleeting moments which inform one that the " actual " person is truly present and vulnerable and totally reliant on the care being so willingly given. It is none the less extremely difficult to feel the worthiness of that care when the cold eye of rejection meets yours in a way befitting a total stranger hell bent on countering everything you say by proxy.

Amidst all of this remains a truth which one sees time and time again. The loved one, despite the ravages of dementia, remains in essence. Hidden perhaps behind that veil of indifference and non recognition for the greater part. Yet touch a certain spot, strike a certain chord, a particular word or a familiar tune, take hold of a hand and simply connect, just be there to offer comfort and solace to someone you know to be there and that can but only afford one a profound sense of both worth and meaning. Caring for a loved one with dementia is a huge and demanding thing. And when that caring comes to an end, there is a sense of having been part of something which seeks no recognition nor reward, but which enhances one's humanity and awareness in a way that never ever forsakes you.
amen to that. my husband tells me every day that he loves me and how well i take care of him. this isnt what i predicted you know when all the kids are grown up and moved out but this is what i have so so be it
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
12,853
South coast
Every day. I love him but I don't know how long I can go on doing this. His reality is so far from real yet he argues all the time, won't accept what I say because he "knows" better. All I get is abuse.
His brain is not working properly and is tricking him into false memories, so he is confused and thinks that these false memories are true - because he can remember it! Logic and reasoning will not work, because he is convinced that he is right, so you must be lying to him and therefore must be a horrible, untrustworthy person (and perhaps not even his partner)

You will not be able to bring him back into reality - the only way that you can reach him is to enter his reality and offer him explanations that will reassure him, but still fit in with his reality. For example - if he wants to go home, dont try and convince him that he is home - tell him it would be better to go tomorrow, because it is too dark/cold/wet to go now, or the car isnt working, or the trains are on strike, or whatever,

This link might give you some pointers
 

Hazara8

Registered User
Apr 6, 2015
486
amen to that. my husband tells me every day that he loves me and how well i take care of him. this isnt what i predicted you know when all the kids are grown up and moved out but this is what i have so so be it
" This is what l have so be it". Courageous and accepting, because of its truth and because it is very, very hard to sustain in fact - because you are also human and you matter.

The children will be naturally sympathetic and will care. Yet the reality of your own Caring resides in a world known only to yourself and that reality can break many a soul. In facing the fact with all its implications and unknowns makes you special and lifts the hearts in many who are embarking on this unique pathway.

My warmest wishes.
 

jennifer1967

Registered User
Mar 15, 2020
326
because im 19yrs older than my husband hes 72 and im 53 we had some discussions about death, what i would do who would do the caring and what that would entail and where the cut off point would be and boundaries, which is why maybe i have this acceptance because i have always known i would know and care for my husband. it would have been have nicer to have had more time by ourselves but it is was it is and its sad, lonely,grief stricken but that can wait until then i have to cherish every moment i have with him and all the memories i can remember and hold.and use the forum to help me and help others
 

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