It's been a miserable few days with dad. I can more or less cope with him coming out with "crazy" stuff, and with him being angry and critical (though he can sound so much like my mother sometimes when he's in that mood that i cringe) but I can't cope with him being upset and helpless. Yesterday his eyes filled with tears and his voice went shakey every time anything was said that he seemed to recognise. Tonight I called at 8pm on my way home from work. The staff said he was asleep in bed but when I went to his room he'd got up and was in pj top and inco pad pulling his bed covers around. Seemed very lost and tearful. Got him into bed again cos he said he was tired. He talking about not having coped without me, and how he'd spent the whole of last week looking for me. It's true I visited less last week because I've been trying to get on with clearing his house out, but I still went 4 days out of 7. Sat on his bed and put my arm round him. He said he was happy with that, but kept lifting himself up to say things I couldn't understand. He couldn't hear anything I tried to say to comfort him because there's been a trail of mix ups that keeps delaying his audiology appointment. So I sat with my arm around him whilst he tried to go to sleep, horribly conscious of being the one thing that stood between him and utter despair .... and not feeling up to the task. The other thing that's really unsettled me ...... dad's been there just over 3 months and I've sort of got to know the other residents. In the last couple of weeks 3 of them have disappeared ....... names crossed off doors and lists in dining room. Of course I didn't know them that well, but have chatted to them and got used to them as part of the place. Have they died? I don't feel it's right to ask. None of them were residents who seemed particularly ill ( not that is compared to the apparent average in there) though the last I saw of one lady was her lying in bed .... previously she was the person who usually had the chair next to dad's in the lounge and I'd chat to her when I came in. If I didn't predict when they might be leaving us, will I be able to predict when dad goes .... or will I arrive one day and ........ Mostly I cope with visiting and get over it, but tonight I started crying and couldn't stop ...... sometimes it's a blessing that dad's deaf cos it didn't disturb his sleep.