Talking about care home

[Bizzylizzy73]

Hello everyone,
Im looking for advice about the care home conversation! My mum has Alzheimer's and she moved in with me about 12mths after a few months in care. I have just been away to visit my partner, and it is pretty clear that even with carers in 4x day it isn't enough if I'm not there.
I keep broaching subject with my mum but she just stops talking!
I have power of attorney in place, and I know basically I will have to make the decision for her, no matter how awful I feel about doing that!
Anyone had a positive experience with this conversation? Any advice?

 

[sue38]

Hi Bizzylizzy and welcome to Talking Point.

I think the conversation will very much depend on what may appeal to your mum, for example does she enjoy the company of others? Does she get lonely or anxious when you're not around? If so you could suggest that being 'looked after' 24/7 and being with people of a similar age might appeal. You say she didn't manage well when you were away - you might talk to her about going somewhere for respite next time you go away so that you can be sure she's safe, or that it's a bit of a treat.

Would the suggestion that you need a break be something that she would appreciate?

As I say it will very much depend on your mum and her level of understanding of the situation.

 

[Rivershores]

I too will eagerly await some advice/feedback on the 'moving to a care home' subject! About a month ago (due to a very serious incident in which we had to involve the police and a man was finally arrested on Monday of this week!) we had to remove my mum from her own (warden assisted) flat and we are now "sharing her out" amongst my sisters and I. Most of us work full time so to say this is stressful is the understatement of the year! Realistically I cannot see how long we can go on with that scenario as it's been tiring enough and stressful enough just caring for mum in her own home and whilst she was still somewhat independent. Having her 24/7 (albeit shared out amongst us) just fills me with dread and despair as already the tantrums are starting about why cant she live at her flat on her own and why cant she go into town on her own etc etc. BUT my mum would have a complete and utter meltdown if we even talked about a care home. In truth I don't think my sisters are emotionally strong enough to face the turmoil of that and so it may be a case of waiting until mum gets really bad (maybe at the point of not recognising us etc) before my sisters will even face this possibility.

 

[1mindy]

My mum was sectioned so we had no choices at the time. Prior to this my brother resisted any suggestion of a home for her. Throughout her life she was not a socialiser. The move was fab for her she loved it and we never looked back . Her mental and physical health improved .Mind you it was a very expensive modern home which was used by outside clubs and had the local bowling Green central.But she had worked in a big job with a good pensio n so she could afford it . We still have fond memories of the extra lovely life they gave to her. About 5 years .

 

[Sheepteach]

Having this conversation with Dad is nigh well impossible too, partly due to his deafness; and also lack of reasoning. I fear sectioning will be the only way for him.

He is currently still at home with his dog and carers going in 4 times a day, not washing or eating, always getting ready to 'go to school', making cups of tea for his (long dead) mother; making increasingly random lists of things to do that never get done; occasional bouts of wandering , and the list goes on.

However the one thing he is totally adamant about is NOT going into a care home.

My brother and I have done some research and have 3 places in mind for when the time comes, I really hope that at nearly 85 something else happens before he has to go into a home as I know that that would destroy him.

He has such a lot to lose by going into a care home, so we are honouring his wishes as best we can, but it's not easy.

 

[canary]

I think most people are firmly against the idea of going into a CH and trying to get them to agree is a very faint hope. Even if they were persuaded would they remember?

Mum was adamant that she didnt want to go into a CH, She tried to make me promise that I never would (I didnt make that promise) and got upset about the idea of carers etc. Eventually there was the inevitable crisis and she ended up in a CH. She is now much better - in fact, I would say that she has thrived. She thinks that where she is living is her home (ie, that she owns it), she has made friends, joins in with the activities and has put some weight back on. I really wish I had been able to get her there sooner

Dont fear them going into a CH, as it could easily be the best thing you could do for them. The problem, of course, is trying to get them there - which is why it usually takes a crisis. One way round this is to see if the CH you have chosen would accept them for respite (ie a limited time) and from there it is easier to just extend it to a permanent placement.

 

[Bizzylizzy73]

The care home conv!

Hi Bizzylizzy and welcome to Talking Point.

I think the conversation will very much depend on what may appeal to your mum, for example does she enjoy the company of others? Does she get lonely or anxious when you're not around? If so you could suggest that being 'looked after' 24/7 and being with people of a similar age might appeal. You say she didn't manage well when you were away - you might talk to her about going somewhere for respite next time you go away so that you can be sure she's safe, or that it's a bit of a treat.

Would the suggestion that you need a break be something that she would appreciate?

As I say it will very much depend on your mum and her level of understanding of the situation.

On her good days, mum is still mum. She has always never wanted to go in a home. When in her fifties she said "shoot me, rather than put me in a home"
So my guilt is high!
However, my choices are limited.
Whilst visiting my boyfriend (he lives abroad) the care provider was coming in 4xday. But mum was found wandering at night on a few occasions, by neighbours, not carers! They didn't give mum her meds for 5 days! I found maggots in her bedroom....I could go on!
I feel I cannot visit my boyfriend again.
I keep talking about the home I think would be suitable. She basically would have a little flat. They have hens which mum always kept, she can even go horse riding (we had horses too!)
Just hope I can persuade her

 

[Linbrusco]

Over the past few years since Mums AD diagnosis, she has had a few friends move into Retirement Villages, and care homes.
They have all said positive things, so on the odd occasion when we have talked about Rest Homes, Mum has been full of praise.
" you get all your meals, and they have entetainment, and things to do, and you have a laugh" She also said once that she couldn't trust Dad to take care of her if she got really sick, so would be better off in a rest home
I think with this in mind if the time comes ( which may be not far away) I would have a little bit less hesitancy, but telling Mum might be a different story

 

[mrs mcgonnagal]

My mam has recently moved to a care home, before hand, I struggled on for months to keep her at home, but she became more and more confused, miserable and extremely anxious, and i was truly suffering under the strain. (She doesnt sleep) We were introduced to a great place and she went first for respite and did really well. After I took her home she went back down hill and it all became too much. She went to the home as a day centre for a while and then back for respite which has become permanent, so a gradual introduction. Like Canary's experience, she seems to be thriving, she has friends, she is much much more relaxed, and is eating well. I can't believe this improvement, I would never have thought it. It is a good place but it has just seemed to have lifted the worse of the stress from her. I hope it continues and I hope you find a good solution for everyone. Best wishes

 

[Bizzylizzy73]

Thank you all who took the time to reply!
At the moment I just keeping bringing the subject up. I hope she will eventually agree to try it. I will let you know!

 

[canary]

If you ask her "wouldnt you like to go into a care home?" or words to that effect or try and give the reasons why it would be a good idea she is never going to agree.

She might, however, agree to going on a weeks holiday in a nice hotel where everything is on hand and people to attend to her every need