taking mum home for a few hours? is it a good idea?

Discussion in 'Middle - later stages of dementia' started by annii1, Jul 24, 2015.

  1. annii1

    annii1 Registered User

    Jul 5, 2012
    194
    west sussex
    #1 annii1, Jul 24, 2015
    Last edited: Jul 24, 2015
    I know I have asked this before, but mum is so much calmer now with anti psychotics, she has been in emi carehome for 2 years now. Speech gets muddled and some incontinence, difficulty eating, using knife, fork not sure what to do, how to, but mum is still "there". Dad is great, despite being in recovery from lymphoma, prostate cancer he has returned to work a couple of days he is mid 70s as is mum, and he takes mum out (as do I) he helps her put her lipstick on , look nice, and they go out for a meal, walk, picnic in car. He wonders, as do I about the possibility of during a visit bringing mum back home, maybe saying it's my house, and cooking her a meal, cup of tea, sitting in garden, she often has a little snooze, but it's the unknown of how she would be returning to carehome. Mum puts up with it but it's not home and she relaxes when she comes out. I think we feel we need to do as much as we can for mum and give her some happiness in her lonely life. It's also hard to keep thinking of places to take mum, especially in the cold, wet weather. Any thoughts would be helpful, thank you
     
  2. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    69,875
    Kent
    Hello annii

    However tempting it is to want to see your mum in her `own setting` once more, among her family, I would think very carefully indeed before making the decision to bring her home, even if it were to your home.

    When my husband was in residential care I never once entertained the idea, however much I would have loved him to be back where he belonged, simply because I had no idea how he would react to being taken back.

    However poor his memory I wouldn`t have known what triggers would come into focus and it would have been soul destroying if he had become upset at the thought of going back to the care home.

    There is only one person I know of who managed this in all my years on TP
     
  3. jaymor

    jaymor Volunteer Moderator

    Jul 14, 2006
    12,552
    Female
    England
    My husband liked to go out every day and I found it difficult to find new places even though we traveled quite a way each day? When I mentioned this to his CPN she said he won't remember where he went last week or yesterday, every visit is the first visit for him so I stopped worrying.

    He has now been in a nursing home for just under three years and I would not have taken him home at any point. It would have been so cruel if he had, for just one moment, recognised his home. Walks, visits to coffee shops, garden centres etc. yes, but not home.

    We all have differing experiences of how dementia affects our loved ones and it might be ok but it might also upset your Mum and if she does remember home then she will not understand why she can be there one moment and then back in the care home.

    Hope you can find a path that suits your family and your Mum, it's not easy, take care.
     
  4. Gigglemore

    Gigglemore Registered User

    Oct 18, 2013
    526
    British Isles
    #4 Gigglemore, Jul 24, 2015
    Last edited: Jul 24, 2015
    http://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/showthread.php?68475-quality-of-life&p=899416#post899416

    Hi Annii

    I replied to your previous post about this and I know our Mums have had very different symptoms. Just to update you, I was able to bring Mum home for many more visits with no real problem but I did but buy a commode as I don't have a downstairs toilet. Mum didn't have major sundowning but did become very confused early evening so I learned to get her back to the care home before any issues started and tell her we were just popping in to use the toilet etc, that I was going in with her (I was able to stay and help her to bed) - she would be fine once inside the door.

    She lost the ability to walk at the end of the year and I know that most probably the only time she will leave the nursing home this year will be for the trip to the undertaker. I am very lucky that I was able to bring Mum home and it was lovely to be able to serve her favourite ice-cream with fruit from the garden as she watched the birds and the view. Precious memories, and I am starting to cry as I type. I know that on some visits the house was familiar to her yet on others she asked why I had stopped the car outside.

    You won't know until you try - if you are well prepared for problems and have a strategy to cope with the return to the home I feel you will regret not trying it, but you must of course consider the risks yourself. Best wishes, whatever you decide.
     
  5. Sharonk43

    Sharonk43 Registered User

    May 24, 2015
    29
    Definately not

    My father was in care 4yrs ago and my brother insisted on taking dad out and taking him home against my wishes. He thought it was helping dad but actually it was making things so much worse. Its like rubbing their nose in it that they are no longer able to live at home and they will not settle.
    We were able to bring dad home permantley for 3yrs up until last wednesday when after being in hospital for 4wks we have now had to admit him into a nursing home and this time there is no chance of him coming home. He kept asking when he could come home the other day as he is still very with it alot of the time, it is his mobility that has made it impossible for him to be cared for at home as he has totally lost the abiity to walk thanks to the hospital being to lazy to get him out of bed for toileting etc.
    My advice, as hard as it is, don't take your mum back to her old home, it will bring many memories back for her which will be upsetting when she has to go back to her CH.
     
  6. Padraig

    Padraig Registered User

    Dec 10, 2009
    1,039
    Hereford
    To return some one home from a Nursing Home, one must be single minded and determined to go all the way. Most of all, you need to take control. Accept advice if you must and seek help when you require it. To to then return a LO to a NH I just can't imagine the fear that person would be put through.

    I'm writing from experience as I took my wife home when she was bedridden and refused to eat. Yes I listened to the doctors, but in the end I managed in my own way. The best I can compare it with, was like looking after a child who had not yet learned to speak. When my wife was in hospital a nurse told me my wife would not eat. My question to her was: "If I took your child to my house, do you think it would take kindly to been fed by a stranger?"

    Fortunately I had an extra five years longer with my wife than the experts had predicted. Not for a moment am I suggesting anyone take a loved one home. Each of us are different and some of us view and approach life differently. In that respects I have always been a social misfit.
     
  7. mcmidlothian

    mcmidlothian Registered User

    Feb 11, 2015
    5
    Not sure if its a good idea

    My husband has had frontal lobe Alzheimers since the age of 64 he is now 70.For over seven years and I managed without any help all this time however, the last six months, he has not recognised his home of 47 years. Every day he said,"when are we going home" referring to his childhood home. I was prescribe respiridone to make his more settled, but it only made his much more agitated. He is now in the community hospital. I get some very small comfort in the knowledge that it is not his real home he is thinking of. The hardest thing is overwhelming sense of guilt that I could no longer cope. There seems to be so many variations on symptoms, no 2 people are the same which makes things difficult.
     

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