Taking dad out of care to live with us.

[puddin'ead]

My dad's very unhappy in care so my DH & me have offered to have him live with us as it's not possible for him to live with my mum.
We're waiting for him to be assessed to see if he is "suitable" to live with us, if he is, our home will then be assessed to see if it's suitable to house him.
Meanwhile, my brother who is managing my parent's finances has asked me to give a breakbown of weekly costs of: feeding, clothing, washing, heating, petrol, loss of earnings to pay my self-employed husband who will be helping me, and any capital payments such as new bedding, mattress etc., as the case might be.
He's told me I cannot have dad's debit card to just take care of him as it's illegal without Power of Attorney. He wants mum to send us weekly payments by bank payment.
Until I know what allowances / benefits we'll be granted, I cannot see how I can do this. Can anyone advise me please?
Thanks, Pud x

 

[garnuft]

I can hear alarm bells ringing already.

Your brother is going to give you grief I think.

I also think your Dad is liable to be unhappy wherever he is.

I'm not sure taking Dad to live with you is something you should do.

Please consider all the possible eventualities before you move him.

Best wishes, X

 

[2jays]

If your brother pays you to look after your Dad.

It could be seen as payment rather than rent by the OPG

Your brother would then need to sort out tax and national insurance for you and the employers contributions for your dad.

Think long and hard about doing this.

Contact Alzheimer's support group and talk to someone there who can give you information you need and some you haven't thought of.

 

[jenniferpa]

Does your brother have a registered EPA or LPA for either your father and/or your mother? Because if so, he really is correct that he shouldn't hand over the debit card. And to be honest, if he's the LPA for your father and the money he is taking about will be coming from your father's income and/or savings then he will have to have an accounting. Having said that, some of these things will not become obvious until after the fact.

I'm wondering - is it possible he's asking for this because he really wants you to realise the financial impact of taking this on? It sounds as if he's not willing to address the potential emotional impact of doing this on you and your husband (and he's probably right not to do so) but he feels comfortable pointing out the financial aspect.

I'm not going to be as reticent about this though: as other posters have said - he's not happy where he is but he almost certainly won't be any happier in your home. You will essentially be giving up your time 24/7 to care for someone and only you can say what kind of impact that will have on your own health and the health of your marriage. Do you have any children living at home? What options exist in your area for respite or day care?

 

[puddin'ead]

Thankyou everyone for your replies.

You're right garnuft, that brother always has!

2jays - what's OPG?

Jenniferpa- my mum has power of attorney, but due to recent illness she asked my brother to manage their finances until she feels able enough do it herself again.

My dad was happy & content staying with us for many weeks while my mum was in hospital to such a degree he didn't want to go home.

The sister home to the one he is in is a about a mile from us & they do respite. There's also a day centre nearby but I don't know as yet if they care for Alzheimer's.

As my DH has just said, our marriage is strong & he's just as worried about my dad as I am.

My children are grown up & left the nest.

Pud x

 

[nicoise]

To step away from the emotive aspects, your brother might just be "wearing his accountant's hat" when he asks you what the costings of care for your father might be.

At the same time, he doesn't actually have the power of attorney himself, your mother does. So whilst he may be overseeing the finances on her behalf, the proper power is with your mother.

It makes logical sense to look at the hard facts and figures when it comes to care, and it is better to get everything sorted out and in the open.

Is your relationship with your brother and mother strong enough to cope with this multi-partnered approach to caring with your father? The trouble might come if there is too great an emphasis on the money side, and not enough consideration given to the emotional costs of care, which I suspect you will be funding.

Good luck!

 

[jeany123]

OPG=Office of the Public Guardian

there is a list of abbreviations used on this site here
http://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/showthread.php?26388-Abbreviations-List-and-Talking-Point-Jargon

 

[puddin'ead]

Another of my brothers reckons that;

1) No-one is particularly bothered regarding the cost of of dad's care as they're confident we'll give him the best we can that he deserves.
2) That that particular brother only wants to be able to show mum where dad's money is going so she can manage her finances.

I said I'd pass mum / brother all the receipts but brother won't accept that. Mum was happy for me to have dad's debit card. How do I split the cost of petrol between us? We can do 2 trollies at the supermarket but we intend sitting down for the same meals together as much as possible. Do I take meter readings? Buy seperate soap powder & do seperate loads? What do we charge parents for dad's care 24/7? Carer's allowance won't cover it. The list is endless!
Pud x

 

[BAEA]

I can hear alarm bells ringing already.

I hear alarm bells ringing for a different reason. If elder services are assessing your home and situation, I wouldn't remove him from where he is. Otherwise, a petition for guardianship could follow. Once the matter enters the court, your father and your whole family can be devastated both financially and emotionally. Please research the topic of Guardianship abuse, U.K. before you take any more steps. I am from the U.S. but our problems are similar to yours.

 

[Shash7677]

Can I ask how advanced your dads dementia is at the moment? Does he still know who everyone is? Can he wash and dress himself? Does he wake during the night? Has he been aggressive or agitated in anyway in the past?

I only ask as it may seem ideal now to have dad at home but, there may come a time when you can't cope between you. Care homes are dementia specialised for one reason and that is, that the people working in them have a wealth of experience, they can ring and doctor and get them to see a residents immediately on a home visit. Will your GP do this of needed? Or will dad have to wait for an appointment? If he has a water infection say, that goes untreated for a few days as you can't get the doctor out then you may find a huge change in his behaviour.

Some people manage very well having loved ones at home, we however didnt. Mum would wander off for hours and end up 20miles from home. She would be up half the night, dad would get an hours sleep some nights if he were lucky.

In my experience with mum people do ask to go home, a lot, it's not an uncommon thing. She didnt settle in her first home but that's because staff could not deal with her level of AD. She was also being hit by another resident on regular occasions. We moved mum to a NH and she is far more settled, there are fewer people in their but more staff.

Whilst I wish you the very best having dad at home it is a very big commitment and long term, the sleepless nights and the progression of the disease may take their toll.

Sharon

 

[dognecks]

My dad's very unhappy in care so my DH & me have offered to have him live with us as it's not possible for him to live with my mum.
We're waiting for him to be assessed to see if he is "suitable" to live with us, if he is, our home will then be assessed to see if it's suitable to house him.
Meanwhile, my brother who is managing my parent's finances has asked me to give a breakbown of weekly costs of: feeding, clothing, washing, heating, petrol, loss of earnings to pay my self-employed husband who will be helping me, and any capital payments such as new bedding, mattress etc., as the case might be.
He's told me I cannot have dad's debit card to just take care of him as it's illegal without Power of Attorney. He wants mum to send us weekly payments by bank payment.
Until I know what allowances / benefits we'll be granted, I cannot see how I can do this. Can anyone advise me please?
Thanks, Pud x

alarm bells alarm bells big time .... im a dementia carer... and have had the experience with parents having dementia.. ok hes not happy there, but and as everyone else says it very rarely means he will be happy at yours either, its a massive job doing it yourself. life changing totally, stressful, for both you partner 24/7 and thats not even going into the money side thats the easy bit, i would be assessing why hes not happy at the care home ?????? and what the home could try to make it better stay for him, all the people i look after are given quality of life and things they like to do and have no complaints, and if there was i would be assessing this to improve this..

 

[meme]

If Dad was happy with you recently then I would have him out of there and give it a go..... sort the finances out obviously ... but it is all possible..... and no one can really say it would be best one way or t'other