Hello. I’m new to the forum today & have spent much of the afternoon reading previous posts which I have found very comforting. My Dad was diagnosed with Vascular Dementia 2 and a half years ago although he had symptoms for a year or two prior to diagnosis.Up until today he has lived at home with my mum & in the last 12 months has been supported by carers when his personal care started to slide. My mum has MS and as Dads condition worsened & he became incontinant it became too much for Mum even with the carers in place. My sister & I have been visiting care homes in readiness for choosing one but in the last week my mum hit breaking point & we have arranged some emergency respite while we find a permanent home. So, today the three of us took him to the temporary nursing home & it is the most heartbreaking thing I’ve ever done. Because we were worried he wouldn’t get in the car if we told him where we were going we just set off & after we had settled him in told him we were leaving him with the ladies to look after him for a little bit & we’d see him tomorrow. We plan to visit most days while he settles in. I know he will be getting the best care & will be better looked after than at home but he is used to spending all his time with my mum & im wracked with guilt that we have abandoned him. I am hoping that this feeling will ease because right now I just want to get in the car & go visit him again!
Taking Dad into care
- Thread starter Salster
- Start date
I know how rotten it feels as I too couldn't tell dad about what we were doing as I would not have got him there and had to make an excuse to leave and slip out. However remind yourself of the reasons...it is the dementia making you make this decision...your dad needs more 24/7 care than your mum even with support and no matter how will I g can provide...your mum needs to take care of herself as she is also unwell and looking after your dad even with your help and carers is taking its toll on her. I have a friend with progressive MS and stress magnifies her symptons.You will all still be caring for your dad just now he has a bigger team around him. When you visit have a big smile on your face for your dad it will give him reassurance and when it is time to leave don't linger. It will be hard but it sounds the right decision at the right time before a crisis
Thank you for your reply, it’s comforting to know others have been in this situation & took the same approach. I will do as you suggest & be nice & smiley when I visit
The first visit I made to dad he greeted me with 'thank goodness you came back for me' I had to hold back tears but still tried to smile. Cried all the way home. Many of us have used love lies to our loved ones...the doctor says you need to be looked after for a while etc...I always left my coat and bag in the car so it wasn't a trigger for dad to know I was going and never said goodbye...always..popping to the toilet, going to wash up, see you in a while...Thank you for your reply, it’s comforting to know others have been in this situation & took the same approach. I will do as you suggest & be nice & smiley when I visit
If all 3 of you are visiting perhaps stagger your leaving over 10/15 mins slipping out one at a time so it isn't so obvious you are all leaving..less likely to upset your dad. Perhaps take in some treats ...biscuits /cake that you can have with a cup of tea with your dad. I hope it goes well.
