Taking a step back

[Little Circles]

Dad could not cope with Mum yesterday, ‘I want her in a home’ was the plea
‘She needs to go - get on the phone and sort it’ ‘ I can’t deal with her, she needs to go ! ‘
So dutifully rang the social worker she had been assigned for a Daycare and they said someone would call in the morning. Mum was in a right state, so packed her up packed an overnight back and brought her home stayed the night and was settled and calmer. She did not want to be at Dad’s and lovrd being at mine saying it was like a 5 ⭐️ Hotel and had slept better than she could remember ( though can’t remember much) she does want to live with Dad and wants a place of her home ( not a possibility as can’t do a lot for herself) Dad had a good nights sleep apparently and went this morning to an hospital appointment before coming around to my house
Social Worker arrived at 2 .00 pm and discussed the situation and recommended respite care, Dad agreed as well as Mum and the Social Worker said she could get Mum in tonight or lastest tomorrow , the plan was sorted

The social Worker rang to say yes she could go in tomorrow and I rang Dad to confirm details

The reply beggars belief - ‘ You have upset your Mum, You are rushing things too much, I am not having her in a home and upset like this and ring back and cancel or put in a abayance this respite care’ and promptly put down the phone on me !
I am still in shock ! I am now keeping myself to myself, I will be polite to Dad as Mum will suffer if not and helpful to Mum but just going to let Dad sort it out as I can’t do much more
I didn’t want her in respite care in the first place as she is manageable with me but tried to be a good daughter but it seems I am the bad guy now !

 

[myss]

Oh Little Circles! Poor you! I also tend to find that those who aren't 'in the know' don't realise the rigmarole that someone has to go through to get things done and may not realise that it's not as easy they perceive it to be.
Perhaps he may feel better after that one night apart and felt a little guilty at what he had initially said to you about putting your mum in a home.

Are you going to mention anything to your Dad (if it's brought up) when you see him next?

 

[Little Circles]

Can’t decide, Dad can be very aggressive and it is his way or no way as been all his life to Me Mum and my Brother and will never admit he is wrong
Mum did ring tonight upset saying Dad said he thought he had upset me and then he came on the phone asking me out for lunch with Mum but I declined by saying I had something else on
I need time away
We have an appointment for Amun on Friday with s doctor that specialises in the elderly and dementia so will see them then but truly don’t know how to broach the subject and deal with it as Dad will think he’s right even if he isn’t x

 

[Jojo4444]

You are in a difficult position here. You did what was asked of you but perhaps it was all a bit quick. Your dad was probably struggling and it was a cry for help that you took literally, how were you to know? I only say this because before Christmas I did something similar, I asked SW for help and they found a carehome ,as in , you get her there and we’ll keep her!!! I was shocked and backed down immediately. Sadly I only lasted another 3 months as mum is now in a home for short term care pending a best interests meeting. Perhaps in a few days you can talk again when things are calmer. Best wishes. X

 

[Canadian Joanne]

If I were you, I wouldn't say anything about cancelling the respite (why bring more upset on yourself?) but the next time he's desperate and can't cope, I would give him the phone number of the caseworker and say you think it would be more effective if he called directly. Then, should he decide to cancel again, he can do so directly also. It might be more difficult for him to go off on a relative stranger as opposed to his daughter (I'm assuming you're his daughter, sorry if you're not).