Taking a break and not telling

[father ted]

My Mum who has AD has lived with me for 6 years. She can wash and dress herself but otherwise relies on me for everything- medication,nail cutting, to and from Dr's apps, laundry, meals etc etc. Consequently,in her opinion, I am not doing much for her so if I get a bit grumpy sometimes she just says ' I'll go into a home if you can't cope'. I hasten to add this is said in a reproachful way as it is always followed by 'I don't know what the problem is I lived with my sister in law and we got on so well- no arguments!' This was 65 years ago when they were all young and she had a job and baby sat for them if they went out.
As some of you may recall I care for my disabled daughter too who can not do anything for herself. I employ a career to take her out 3 times a week but otherwise it's all down to me and husband but of course he is at work during the day.

Around 6 months ago I felt I had hit a wall. I felt tired, exhausted and felt I had completely lost the person I was. Since then I have broken down in sobs to my husband, my friend, at the GP's and a counsellor I was referred to. I felt I had to do something for me and break the cycle of subjugating my needs all the time and booked a weekend away. The time has now come round and I am due to go away next week for 3 days. Unfortunately this has coincided with my daughter going through a bit of a blue patch. She is tearful and anxious and has only slept right through the night on one occasion in the last 7 weeks- getting me up 4,5 and on 3 occasions 8 times in one night. Husband has to get up early for work so it is down to me to do it although he will do it if he hears her.
I was so looking forward to going away. If I don't go I know I will resent it. My husband said I should just go and that I seem hell bent on punishing myself by 'playing the martyr. I have booked a sitter for my Mum and my daughter is due to go to her monthly respite anyway with my husband in the background if there is an emergency so I have no need to not go but I haven't told them I am going because the last time I went away for 1 night Mum and daughter were both in tears and daughter rang me 4 times.
Help me!

 

[marionq]

My Mum who has AD has lived with me for 6 years. She can wash and dress herself but otherwise relies on me for everything- medication,nail cutting, to and from Dr's apps, laundry, meals etc etc. Consequently,in her opinion, I am not doing much for her so if I get a bit grumpy sometimes she just says ' I'll go into a home if you can't cope'. I hasten to add this is said in a reproachful way as it is always followed by 'I don't know what the problem is I lived with my sister in law and we got on so well- no arguments!' This was 65 years ago when they were all young and she had a job and baby sat for them if they went out.
As some of you may recall I care for my disabled daughter too who can not do anything for herself. I employ a career to take her out 3 times a week but otherwise it's all down to me and husband but of course he is at work during the day.

Around 6 months ago I felt I had hit a wall. I felt tired, exhausted and felt I had completely lost the person I was. Since then I have broken down in sobs to my husband, my friend, at the GP's and a counsellor I was referred to. I felt I had to do something for me and break the cycle of subjugating my needs all the time and booked a weekend away. The time has now come round and I am due to go away next week for 3 days. Unfortunately this has coincided with my daughter going through a bit of a blue patch. She is tearful and anxious and has only slept right through the night on one occasion in the last 7 weeks- getting me up 4,5 and on 3 occasions 8 times in one night. Husband has to get up early for work so it is down to me to do it although he will do it if he hears her.
I was so looking forward to going away. If I don't go I know I will resent it. My husband said I should just go and that I seem hell bent on punishing myself by 'playing the martyr. I have booked a sitter for my Mum and my daughter is due to go to her monthly respite anyway with my husband in the background if there is an emergency so I have no need to not go but I haven't told them I am going because the last time I went away for 1 night Mum and daughter were both in tears and daughter rang me 4 times.
Help me!

You have to help yourself and by logging on here I think you know that. Everything is in place and you need to go and get some rest and recreation and a chance to remember who you are. Listen to your husband. If he thinks it will all work then it will. Switch off your phone for part of the day and enjoy the break.

 

[Bunpoots]

Don't tell them you're going? Or say you're going away for health reasons - which is true. You need a break. Why don't you get a cheap mobile or a temporary SIM card so that hubby can call if there's an emergency. Leave your other at home.

Then you can relax

 

[Spamar]

If your husband can cope, then go. You have been under a tremendous load for 6 years and a major load before that. If you don't go, your will have Carers breakdown, and everything will have to change. What would happen then?
Please, leave phone at home and go and relax and enjoy yourself!

 

[Marnie63]

Do try to go on your break. I am going to try very hard to go on mine too!

 

[Goingitalone]

Hi Father Ted.

Please do go on your break. Everything is in place now and it will do you so much good.

I have had similar feelings about leaving MIL to attend my sons wedding. It all seems so much hassle, getting reliable cover for the time we are away and MIL has seemed so depressed and unhappy with me since she realised the couple of nights without us was looming nearer. Then I took a reality check......

Dementia can rob the sufferer of their usual concern for the carer's feelings. Of course I should be allowed to attend and enjoy my sons wedding! MIL will be well cared for while I am away. I am not indispensable.

Being martyred does not come into this at all. When you are of a caring nature of course it is difficult to leave the person you love and care for.

But you have needs too and if they are not met you will be unable to carry on. In every occupation there is provision for holidays. Why shouldn't you have one?

You will find it so empowering and energising. I bet you will be booking your next break soon after your return once you realise that everyone has survived in your absence and that YOU have survived the separation.

Enjoy your rest. It is a very short time and you deserve it.

 

[JohnBG]

I am done.

I told this to the MH worker supporting my mother who has dementia, day and night I seem to be on call where everything to my mother's concept is an emergency. Going for some restbite or time for yourself is important I am making the mistake of waiting for something to improve when things have just got worse.

Having that no contact plus distance will help you cope, these breaks need to be factored in as we go along, my mother has carers four times a day still in denial so why would she need time away. Only last week she wanted to get money from the bank to buy a car when she already has one that she is unable to drive, these plus other irrational aspects are her illness.

Currently my mother is safe at home although we are fast approaching care home provision be is soon, if I wait another year it will make me ill so would have wished it was done before that. I am disabled so is our eldest boy, you have some time for yourself you earned it do not feel guilty plus have regular ongoing time just for you or with your husband,be kind to yourself.

Good luck, John.