Takes the cake!

[Lawson58]

OH and I were both married before and we each have two children. He has sons who both live thousands of miles away from us in other countries.

I have never met son no.1 and OH has not actually seen him for many many years. Son no.1 had an appalling reputation and couldn't get along with anyone. If his uncle saw him coming down the path, he would pretend to be out so he didn't have to deal with him. If the two sons spent any time together, there would be huge rows always over money. Son no.1 is very secretive about how he gets his money. OH refused to invite him to our wedding because he disliked him so much.

Son no.2 took great exception to his father remarrying so I wasn't popular right from the start. I had some issues with him regarding his attitude to his father and things got pretty nasty when he expressed some crazy ideas about our wills. I have not seen him for over ten years and he makes little effort to communicate with his father.

We eventually went to live in the Carribean for a number of years before coming to Australia and during those years there has been minimal contact between OH and his sons.

In the last few months, Son no.1 has started phoning his dad frequently and has been constantly urging him to bring me over for an extended holiday. He is aware that OH has AD but it seems to me that he has little understanding of the illness. He is also aware that OH has other health problems but appears to be ignorant of what long haul flights and an extended absence from home would mean.

To finally get to the point, Son no.1 phoned a couple of days ago at Christmas wanting to know what was in our wills because Son no.2 had told him that his father had cut them out of his will. I could hear OH getting very agitated so listened in and I could hear him explaining to Son no.1 the contents of our wills.

Usually I can ignore OH's ramblings and behaviour and don't let things get to me but this was really too much. I was appalled by Son no.1's behaviour and was really angry about having my will discussed with a person I had never even met.

I couldn't contain my anger and made my feelings known to OH which was not such a good idea as he was already agitated. So downhill we went from there and I was accused of stealing from OH and a heap of other things that you will all be familiar with.

None of those accusations bothered me because I knew that it was the AD talking but the thing that was really troubling was the return of the paranoia that had been absent since he started on the patches. He recently had an appointment with the geriatrician who told him that he was doing really well so he has now convinced himself that he is actually getting better!

It must be awful to have 'invisibles' who live within easy travelling distance from you but when the money grubbing creep is a stranger who lives thousands of miles away it really takes the cake.

I am prepared to step back and not do anything yet as I can accept that they are his sons notwithstanding their despicable behaviour. OH says he would love to travel to see his siblings but he doesn't even want to see his sons which gives me a couple more options in the future.

If Son no. 1 is foolish enough to indulge in such rude behaviour again, he will get an earful from me. Their concern is only about what money there might be coming their way when their father dies without any concern for his current health and welfare.

Sorry for the lengthy rant but it is so nice to get it off my chest.

 

[cobden28]

Surely while your husband is still alive, dementia or not, the contents of his will are nothing to do with his sons from the previous marriage?

Assuming your husband made a will when he was of sound mind and with all his mental faculties, if he is now deemed not to have the mental capacity to understand the implications of changing a will (a consultant psychiatrist did this for my late Dad) then whatever is in your husband's will as it stands now can not be changed.

And if that means your husband's sons don't get a penny from your husband's estate, then so be it!

 

[marionq]

I would block this sons phone number on the grounds he has had no interest in you both for so many years and is now interested only in money.

That should prevent him harassing you both further.

 

[starryuk]

Yes. Whatever is in your OH's will is none of their business. No wonder you are beside yourself with fury. I am glad they live far away and cannot harass you in person.

I hope your OH's upset proves to be temporary and that the effect of the patches resumes again soon.

 

[Shedrech]

Hi Lawson58
It's a real shame that your OH's sons are stirring things up
I do wonder if this is just a taste of what may lie in the future - sadly I have known a situation where the sons of a partner made life very difficult for the partner after their father's death.
I may be reading too much into your situation - but I wonder if it might be worth having your OH actually write out something that makes it clear that HE has chosen not to have contact with his sons and that he himself does not want to visit no 1 son - just to cover any future accusations that you kept him from his sons. Same if the calls are blocked - it must be seen to be your OH's decision and action.
I appreciate that this is tricky given your OH's state of mind - just asking him outright to write such a statement may trigger more paranoia. I wonder, since it's a new year, if you might both write lists of what you hope to do this year AND what you do NOT want to do (including lots of minor things and realistic things alongside the "I do not want to go to ... to visit ...") If the list can be in his own handwriting, even better. Or maybe record a conversation - as long as you won't seem to be leading/prompting him.
Might also be worth getting any major plans for the future written down so they cannot be interfered with.
Sorry to be so negative - just ignore if I'm on the wrong track.
Best wishes

 

[Lawson58]

We both made new wills after OH had a cardiac arrest two years ago and well before he was diagnosed with AD. We also drew up PoAs for both health and finance so everything has been done properly. And of course, wills are a very private and personal thing and the son has completely disregarded any courtesy or respect and absolutely had no right to even ask for that information.

If push comes to shove, I will block the son's calls but wil give it a little time to see what happens. It just really floored me that a son could be so blatantly rude knowing that his dad is quite unwell. As I don't have any personal knowledge of this man, I would prefer to tread warily because my I have no idea of how he would react to other family members if he were to get angry. I am aware that that he has a history of violence and mood swings.

OH has a lot of respect for my two children and is very attached to my daughter and it brings it home to him just how uncaring his sons have been.

I do feel better for having been able to express my anger.

 

[Spamar]

You could remind your stepson that wills don't come into play until their father dies. It seems to me a lot of people forget this!

 

[canary]

I would be just as annoyed as you, but can the sons actually do anything from the other side of the world? I note that your OH has been asked to travel for a holiday, but that is just never going to happen is it? I shouldnt think that either of them will go over to Australia. He cant change his will anyway.
The problem seems to be that you are concerned that if they continue phoning it will increase OHs agitation. So, it seems to me that you need to focus on stopping them phoning. If they know that he wont be well enough to travel will this put a stop to it do you suppose?

 

[cragmaid]

I am a great believer in the power of a letter. I would write to both sons, advising them that, because of your OH's ill health, there will be no long trips for you and him to visit family and that , whilst obviously they would be welcome to come and visit at your house you are asking them to not mention foreign travel to their father as it causes him distress. Then add that you understand that your OH made his will when he was still well and can not change it now because he does not have capacity. You have POA for his affairs and you will ensure that his wishes are fulfilled as and when the time comes

 

[Lawson58]

Thanks everyone for your thoughts and suggestions.

Obviously the sons cannot do anything about OH's will until he dies and even then I think that because there has been so little contact and with the distance factor in mind that they would not succeed in any action they might try.

My primary concern is the re-emergence of OH's paranoia and the impact this is having on his AD. He is nowhere near as advanced as many on TP but it is still hard to have a rational conversation with him. However, I am going to take your ideas on board and see if I can get him to agree to put something in writing though I will have to tiptoe around it for a while and nudge him in the right direction.

OH has already told Son no.1 that he can't travel but Son no.1 doesn't sound as if he likes taking no for an answer. OH's siblings have been very supportive of me over the years and even though I am reluctant to get them involved, I might ask them for some ideas of how to handle Son no.1. They know him very well though they do avoid him if they can.

 

[canary]

Getting other family members on board sounds like an excellent idea.