SW visit and feel worse than ever

Discussion in 'I care for a person with dementia' started by andypandy, Jul 9, 2015.

  1. andypandy

    andypandy Registered User

    Jun 28, 2015
    Well mum has had her sw visit and her lovely mcmillan nurse there too (mum hasn't got cancer put she does have pallative care) to discuss Ch options and maybe other options if possible. From the second I walked into her house it's like she knew what was happening (even though she didn't know anyone was coming). I usually get a smile an hello followed by a comment of not seeing me for ages (I'm here every day).

    This morning I just got looked at and hardly spoken to. Then when everyone arrived I had pre-warned them that the words 'care home' we're not to be mentioned, so nothing was referred to in that respect but mum kept crying and when my sis took her into her bedroom to console her she just kept sobbing saying 'don't take away'.

    I feel like my heart is breaking. She is getting worse, and needs more care than we can give her, I know there are 3 of us but looking after mum and sleeping and working full time is taking its toll on everyone, and I'm starting to see little cracks in our 3 relationships with eachother, it's starting 'well I've done all this ... blah blah blah'

    We will try some last ditch attempts to keep mum at home but what will we do when it has to happen, a Ch is the best option for her safety, but we will break her heart I know that for certain now. Unless she has another TIA and it takes another chunk shes going yo know exactly whats happening and its against everything she's ever wanted.
    How do I live with that.
  2. Long-Suffering

    Long-Suffering Registered User

    Jul 6, 2015
    Hi AP,

    You don't need to explain to anyone on here why your mum needs to go into a CH and why it isn't possible for you to do the impossible and continue struggling along by yourselves. We all understand because we are either in the same boat or are steadily heading that way. None of us want to put our loved ones in a CH, but in the end it is the only thing that can be done in the majority of cases. I do know people who have managed to look after their loved one by themselves at home to the very end, but they have all been wealthy enough to give up work and they have all lost a large chunk of their sanity in the process.

    Please don't beat yourself up about it. The people on here understand your feelings only too well and will support you.

    Big hugs,

  3. LizzyA

    LizzyA Registered User

    Feb 21, 2013
    Near Reading
    very very hard. I do feel for you. It is very hard to be objective but you have to do what's best to keep your mum safe.

    I'm sure that others will have better advice than me. regarding settling at a CH etc.

    My mum is still at home but the doctor is raising concerns about that, mum has said that she'll kill herself if she has to go into care but I hope that if it does happen she'll adjust. X
  4. Maldives13

    Maldives13 Registered User

    Feb 4, 2014
    Hi Andypandy. I'm so sorry to hear you are having such a hard time. Mum has been in a care home now for 7 weeks and sadly I still feel like my heart has been broken. She is still mobile and has moderate Alzheimer's so I feel she has gone in too soon. However I was given advice that it is best to settle them in a home while they still recognise and get used to new surroundings. We have found a lovely care home and the staff have been fantastic . I have to say it has still been the worst time of my life. My only advice would be - take time to find a really good home and don't leave it until it becomes a crisis as all the good homes have waiting lists. Everyone on here tells me it will get better and I'm sure it will. I'm having counselling to help me as well.
    Good luck to you and your sisters but sometimes you have to look at what is best for everyone. It's tough though. X
  5. Izzy

    Izzy Volunteer Moderator

    Aug 31, 2003
    My heart goes out to you. It must be so hard. x
  6. Shedrech

    Shedrech Volunteer Moderator

    Dec 15, 2012
    I recognise the 'starting to see little cracks' comment - be really careful that in resorting to 'last ditch attempts' to keep your mum in her house you are not opening up a chasm between you siblings which jeopardises your future relationships - and then makes caring for your mum so much more fraught.
    It's an excruciating time all round but
    Maldives 13 is right - 'you have to look at what is best for everyone'.
  7. meme

    meme Registered User

    Aug 29, 2011
    I guess you do everything to keep her cared for at home..with carers and Mc'millan nurses coming in to free up you and your family and siblings for as long as is possible.

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