suspicion and paranoia

[Sooty2]

Hi,
We care for my 85 year old mother in law who has been diagnosed with vascular dementia, she originally moved to be near us as she had accused my husbands sister of stealing money from her bank account, we now know this is common in this disease, she has lived near us for just over twelve months and is medicated for her dementia. We have recently noticed a huge decline in her memory and now she has started accusing us of stealing her property, we are receiving daily phone calls where she is very aggressive and insists we return her hand steamer and now its the dishwasher, which is still quite obviously in her property, but she will not leave it alone. I have worked in health and social care for 29 years and I know that you should not take it personally but we both find this very wearing and stressful. She has care 6 hours a week, and the carer has told us that she has also been making comments with regard to the fact that "she knows we have access to her money because we are always on holiday and we could never afford to pay for them ourselves. She has disowned my husbands sister and if she does the same to us there will be no one to care for her at all. We have made a referral to extra care housing and have tried to move her next apt with the memory clinic forward, but other than that can anyone offer us any advice on how to deal with this? Changing the subject does not help, she reverts back straight away, my husband is very stressed and I am worried about his health as well. He has continual cold sores and looks stressed all the time.

 

[Isabella41]

Hi Sooty.Welcome to TP. I'm only sorry you find yourself here. I've been in this suitation with my own mother. It caused huge rifts in my own family as there were folk who actually believed what mum was saying. Coincidentally she too was convinced we were holidaying constanly on her money. As time passed she grew more paranoid and then became agressive. The memory clinic were really good. Mum was eventually sectioned and this was the best thing that happened. Once in hospital they were able to sort out all her meds and she calmed down and the paranoia and agression went. I know its probably cold comfort right now but this is a phase that will pass. My mantras through this horrible journey have been 'choose your battles' and 'this too will pass'. I repeat them to myself constantly and it keeps me sane.

 

[Allypally52]

Hi,
We care for my 85 year old mother in law who has been diagnosed with vascular dementia, she originally moved to be near us as she had accused my husbands sister of stealing money from her bank account, we now know this is common in this disease, she has lived near us for just over twelve months and is medicated for her dementia. We have recently noticed a huge decline in her memory and now she has started accusing us of stealing her property, we are receiving daily phone calls where she is very aggressive and insists we return her hand steamer and now its the dishwasher, which is still quite obviously in her property, but she will not leave it alone. I have worked in health and social care for 29 years and I know that you should not take it personally but we both find this very wearing and stressful. She has care 6 hours a week, and the carer has told us that she has also been making comments with regard to the fact that "she knows we have access to her money because we are always on holiday and we could never afford to pay for them ourselves. She has disowned my husbands sister and if she does the same to us there will be no one to care for her at all. We have made a referral to extra care housing and have tried to move her next apt with the memory clinic forward, but other than that can anyone offer us any advice on how to deal with this? Changing the subject does not help, she reverts back straight away, my husband is very stressed and I am worried about his health as well. He has continual cold sores and looks stressed all the time.

Hello Sooty - I really feel for you as even if we know that it's not personal, being accused of things we haven't done is very nasty and touches something deep inside us. It's especially hard when we feel unable to defend ourselves, especially if other people who don't know us believe the accusations. My dad has dementia and isn't too bad yet, but has got it into his head that we turn on his electric blanket after he's asleep which is why he sweats (it's really because he has Non Hodgkins lymphoma and it's a symptom) I know it's too ridiculous to be true, even laughable, but it does hurt my feelings poor sensitive thing that I am, although I'm trying to toughen up!!! I think it's because I only want the best for dad, have tried to be loving and supportive and hate to think he'd think I'd do anything mean like that to him!
I just wanted to send my sympathy and assure you that it's not silly to be hurt, however daft the accusations are. (We also have a relative with paranoia who regularly says we say unkind things to her when nobody else is around, so we have it coming at us from all directions and it's horrid!)

 

[Sooty2]

Hi Sooty.Welcome to TP. I'm only sorry you find yourself here. I've been in this suitation with my own mother. It caused huge rifts in my own family as there were folk who actually believed what mum was saying. Coincidentally she too was convinced we were holidaying constanly on her money. As time passed she grew more paranoid and then became agressive. The memory clinic were really good. Mum was eventually sectioned and this was the best thing that happened. Once in hospital they were able to sort out all her meds and she calmed down and the paranoia and agression went. I know its probably cold comfort right now but this is a phase that will pass. My mantras through this horrible journey have been 'choose your battles' and 'this too will pass'. I repeat them to myself constantly and it keeps me sane.

thank you Isabella we try to be rational but my husband really is starting to get angry its so difficult when you are on the butt end all the time!

 

[Isabella41]

Sooty, Honestly I think its a man thing. My husband was and is exactly the same with mum. He either can't see or doesn't understand that this paranoia and other symptoms are the dementia talking. In our case it doesn't help that my mother was a very difficult woman when she was perfectly well so he can't see a clear line before pre-dementia and now.

 

[nitram]

"...Honestly I think its a man thing...."

Bit of a generalisation, if anything other than personality, I think it's an OH thing.

 

[milly01]

"...Honestly I think its a man thing...."

Bit of a generalisation, if anything other than personality, I think it's an OH thing.

My brother, daughter and I have been through the same with mum, her advocate believed her and with his and SC help overturned our LPA she now refuses any contact with us. We did not contest as if she does not want to see us we cant look after her. Nothing only her direct debits have come out of her bank account since Feb 14. She is 93 lives at home with 4 very short dom care calls a day. She also has alzheimers and vascular dementia. We are worried to death about her but social services will not communicate with us as they say that is her wishes. We have even called at her home with the police and she would not talk to us, telling the police we were trying to put her into a home and sell the house.

I am just so pleased I found this site as I now know this is so common.

We honestly dont know what she is living on.

 

[Sooty2]

My brother, daughter and I have been through the same with mum, her advocate believed her and with his and SC help overturned our LPA she now refuses any contact with us. We did not contest as if she does not want to see us we cant look after her. Nothing only her direct debits have come out of her bank account since Feb 14. She is 93 lives at home with 4 very short dom care calls a day. She also has alzheimers and vascular dementia. We are worried to death about her but social services will not communicate with us as they say that is her wishes. We have even called at her home with the police and she would not talk to us, telling the police we were trying to put her into a home and sell the house.

I am just so pleased I found this site as I now know this is so common.

We honestly dont know what she is living on.

Hi Milly, your case is a shocking example of people who have no understanding of dementia and the troubles it brings, I feel for you so much. She is a vulnerable adult and its not rocket science to work this out. I have had more issues with a social services department who show no interest and other outside agencies such as the gas and electricity boards who go "we need to talk to the account holder", no point because she cant recall anything at all and do you know I find it so bloody frustrating I could scream sometimes!!

 

[patsy56]

need to speak to the account holder is classic, 'spec when they only put one a/c holder on account, eg Gas or Telephone a/c. The number of times I say "No you speak to me, we have a joint account, blah blah blah," and they come back saying we need to ask a few questions. We have now got athings sorted but Ahhhhhhh at the time.