Suspicion about everything!!!

[so unfair]

Hi I'm new to talking point and first of all I just want to say a huge thank you to everyone on here who posts on here, it makes me feel part of a group and not so much on my own battling this cruel, evil, hideous disease.

I am the main carer for my MIL who is 81 and has been diagnosed with mixed dementia, vascular and alzheimer's just over a month ago.

We had to really push for all the appointments as her GP is just so awful!! It took him a whole month to write a letter recently and when the surgery told me that 4 GP's had recently left, I turned round to them and said it sounds like you are in crises!!

My MIL is a very independent woman who has if I am being completely honest never given much help over the years either emotionally or financially, in fact from an emotional point of view I would almost describe her as cold. I can only assume that she was never shown a lot of love as a child and so she subsequently could not show love to her own children (my husband and his siblings)

Anyway because my husband now has LPA she is constantly accusing him of taking money, which of course he is not and also we have hassle from my SIL who refuses to get involved yet is only interested in her Mum's money (both Mother and Daughter) are obsessed with money!! My SIL lives a distance away and does not get on with her Mum and I just feel that it is all being landed on us!! Sorry to winge but just being human!!

I have done loads of appointments and phone calls but I never get any thanks from MIL and tomorrow I am off to a dementia friends meeting to find out any tips about communicating. My MIL will say about five or six words but it just comes out as a complete jumble.

Has anyone else out there suffered from this suspicion and do you ignore it or try and explain what you are doing?

Sorry just needed to vent as we seem to battling not just with MIL but with rest of family as well!!

 

[marionq]

I would be saying to SIL " you are very welcome to take your mother to live with you! "

My guess is that if she thought it would all be one her problem you would not hear from her again.

 

[Amy in the US]

Hello, so unfair, and welcome to TP. Good for you for coming here for advice and support. Also good for checking out a dementia friends meeting. I do think it's helpful, just to know you're not alone, and that other people know what you are experiencing.

I think your MIL's GP sounds most unhelpful, ugh, and I'm sorry to hear that.

If you've found your way here, you probably know about the Alzheimer's people and Age UK, but they are also resources to check out.

Unfortunately I think the suspicions and accusations are not at all uncommon. I know you know this, but you haven't done anything wrong and it's not you, it's this horrible disease. It's quite all right to come here and vent. I don't think you were whinging, and even if you were, that would be fine, too!

And it's also terribly discouraging to keep doing things and doing things (caring, appointments, finances, phone calls, errands) and never get any thanks at all. Plus you have an unpleasant and difficult SIL on top of it all. That's a lot to be getting on with.

The jumbling of words you mention is sometimes called "word salad" but I'm sorry, I don't have any personal experience or advice about that, but I'm sure someone else here does.

Hang in there, and if you have a chance, please come back and tell us how you're doing.

 

[caretoshare]

Know exactly about this behaviour .....

Certainly feel for you with this one. It all started when my MIL phoned to say money had gone missing ... then it got more frequent, so we got quite concerned when she said someone was 'taking things', i.e. it was 'scissors gone from drawer' ?? so I did think she was just mislaying things (happens to me a million times a day cos they weren't put back there...!!) - then she claimed 'her favourite spoon' had been taken. The money missing calls continued with gaps, and then became more frequent and sadly this was the earliest of many symptoms. We lived at the other end of the country but liaised for a long while with one of her closest friends as this became worse. The tragedy is a person becomes so vulnerable (and must feel so bad if they ever have insight). My DH seemed unfazed by it all; so it just became a routine reassure and comfort session with every call. TBH at no point was anything ever deliberately taken at any time. However, one week someone at her 'club' was off sick and MIL was entrusted to bank the week's club money and she never knew the 'going' of the bag they gave her or its contents (3 figures, dreadful) - that distressed her indescribably not the least because she was so desperate to pay them back SHE WENT OUT AND TOOK OUT A CASH LUMP SUM TO deliver it in person to the treasurer - thank goodness she did remember what she was doing that day! Eventually DH travelled up and stayed with her increasingly but always we had to distract from money money money obsessions -she was very physically mobile & well. She managed completely independently at home with carers (and her wonderful kind friend living near) until the last 2 months of her life.

 

[patsy56]

hi, so unfair.........glad you found us, I too am a newbie (wish I'd found this place a year ago but there you go) I have been battling with my sister,( not fighting her) but with mum over care workers social workers and yes last week she accused my sister of stealing.........so you are not alone. I believe that is one of the progressions.

 

[Essie]

Hello so unfair, welcome to TP - you can come and whinge here anytime you need to

I'm afraid the suspicion is par for the course really and I wouldn't hold my breath waiting for a thank you from MiL either! The way it is is the way it is really, MiL can't help acting that way, which doesn't make it any easier to deal with I know.

With regards to the less than helpful SiL I would pull her up on that and sharpish - you are doing all this for her mother after all. If her interference focuses on money then you could ask what her specific issues are - does she fear you using MiL's money for yourselves, or even spending too much on MiL? I'm sure she'll deny it when tackled directly but you don't need the underlying tension of unspoken 'issues'. And point out to her that but for you doing all of this it would land on her and so positive support and help from her would be a fairer return for all the effort you're putting in on behalf of her mother!

And lastly please don't fall into the trap of thinking that you have to provide the care your MiL needs - there are other options and caring for someone with AZ/VaD can quickly turn into a 24/7 commitment.

Good luck.

 

[so unfair]

Thank you all so much for your support earlier, it means such a lot. As everyone has said I think the suspicion is all part of this dreadful disease. I shall speak to SIL at some point but I know that I will have to bit my tongue to stop myself arguing with her. In the mean time I will try and stay strong and positive and try to hopefully enrich my MIL's life with a visit to a dementia cafe in her area and to try and get a wheelchair to try and take her out a bit more.

 

[kaycee30]

What a brilliant person you are x
Your SiL neess a good talking too and made to understand whats happening, sounds like there could be some denile as well as lethargy.
Even if you are unable to get support from SiL there are other agencies that can help, Age UK, RVS formally WRVS, both have excellent volunteer befriending services nationwide they could step in and provide support to MiL, Im guessing she may not be too keen.
wishing you luck xx