Hi, my husband's AD was confirmed to me by the neurologist, how on earth do I tell him the news? We live in East Africa and the doctors are not exactly down the road. Really not sure what sort of reaction this news would have or should I leave it to the doctor to tell him? My husband is 60 and all this started about 5 years ago. Work is getting difficult for him and we plan to move to the UK hopefully in about 2 years time if he can carry on working till then. Or would it be better for him for us to move now and get the stress of that over while he is still not too bad? I would need to find a job, tricky on a blank CV having been a housewife for 30 years, so am doing various on line courses to give myself something that might be of use. So many questions to ask but also a little scared of accepting what lies ahead.
Suspected AD confirmed
- Thread starter Frazzled wife
- Start date
Hi Frazzled wife
I have very little to say but, who tells him and when? It's impossible to know as is how he might take it all in. A previously strong woman or man could (mentally) collapse and equally a previously weak person could become strong, it's impossible to know, my wife ignored it other people collapse when they're told, I can't make that call on a stranger.
I can't comment on what you may or may not get from the UK government either now, in 2 years or in 5 years time in the way of benefits or healthcare and the goalpost will move in the election in May this year.
It's too hard to make any really solid comments, if you're comfortable with it a bit of background might help people put your situation into perspective but only in your comfort zone, not trying to be nosy.
K
I have very little to say but, who tells him and when? It's impossible to know as is how he might take it all in. A previously strong woman or man could (mentally) collapse and equally a previously weak person could become strong, it's impossible to know, my wife ignored it other people collapse when they're told, I can't make that call on a stranger.
I can't comment on what you may or may not get from the UK government either now, in 2 years or in 5 years time in the way of benefits or healthcare and the goalpost will move in the election in May this year.
It's too hard to make any really solid comments, if you're comfortable with it a bit of background might help people put your situation into perspective but only in your comfort zone, not trying to be nosy.
K
It impossible to make long-term plans with dementia as its all so unpredictable. Two years is such a long time ahead - 2 months can be a long time in dementia land. Two years ago mum just seemed to have a bit of memory loss, now she doesnt know who I am! Im not saying that this is what will happen to you, but you cant count on anything. If your husband is already having problems at work then I shouldnt think he will be able to continue for much longer. I dont know what he does, but how important would a big mistake be? Could he end up being sued? My OH developed memory problems (not dementia) and was nearly dismissed as there were so many problems. Could he take early retirement?
I really do think that now is the time to start planning how to get back to UK.
I really do think that now is the time to start planning how to get back to UK.
Hi Kevinl,as a first time user I was hesitant about how much detail I put out here and realise I've given very little to go on! My husband is a farmer with much specialist knowledge that the company he works for are desperate to try and harness. They are doing their utmost to accommodate his problems - mainly total loss of management skills - and neither of us would want to leave them in the lurch before it is necessary. Our youngest child has 2 more years at university and if we can continue to have a decent income coming in to will make all the difference to easing the move. I think he cannot claim anything on the NHS for 6 months after we move and I am sure we will not qualify for any benefits hence my need to get a job. England is home for me and I have family there whom I know will help and support me. Is there anyway of finding out where the best areas for dementia support are I wonder? My family is in the south east and work for me would probably be easier there. However living expenses would be far higher than say further north which is where we had originally planned to retire to - both of us preferring more open spaces. Depression was a key factor last year for my husband but now that he is on Prozac, he is much calmer and happier, I am not sure he really knows what the problem is. We have to go to Kenya for doctors, but communication is not great with very little feedback from the doctor which is driving me up the wall. I had been hoping for a follow up appointment a few weeks ago and had thought that my husband could learn of his disease then. However the more people that now know means I feel I ought to tell him incase he heard from another source. I guess the more I use this site the less reserved I will be, it certainly seems to help lots of people. Thanks for responding, FW.
Hello Grannie G, you have nailed my biggest dilemma - when is best for my husband to move! The company he works for are bending over backwards trying to accommodate him, with a totally revised job description hopefully kicking on next month. I know my husband would not want to leave them in the lurch as he has a huge amount of knowledge and experience in his field. We really need the extra time salary wise to ease the situation when we do move. Plus it would give me more time to get some qualification (I am a dressmaker but do not think this will keep body and soul together as a sole income) so that I can find a job. I realise we have no way of knowing the speed of progression of AD, still learning about it really. The medical situation here is not great, we have to go to Kenya for any decent doctors and everything has to be pre authorised by the health insurance company requiring endless reports for the doctors. Currently this is the big hold up and I have been waiting for months now to get the report which will enable us to go for a follow up appointment and thus learn a good deal more (I hope) about the next steps and what is available here. It is the frustrations of the waiting that is getting to me but at least my husband is fairly happy and calm (Prozac), and I hate to burst this bubble if I don't have to. However he is not stupid and will need to know pretty soon I would think. Sorry for the ramble, and it is nice to get some feedback,thank you. FW
Yup, it is the unpredictability that gets to me - I prefer to be really organised and know what is planned out for years ahead! Obviously that has to change. Fortunately the company he works for is being really helpful and his job is about to change drastically for the better for my husband. Certainly the owners of the farm wanted him out, but he is the only one around with the specialist knowledge required which is why the MD is trying his hardest to hang onto him. One child still at university and my lack of meaningful qualification are the main reasons for trying to stay here a while longer and another year or two of useful salary would make all the difference. Can any of the drugs out there really help stem AD? I think I read somewhere that they can hold it back 6 months? Wouldn't make a big difference I think. Would be really helpful if I could get the doctor to get a move on with his report so that we can go and see him again. Thanks for the comments, FW.
From my experience I can only iterate what Granny g has said. I would move ASAP. We moved house before OH was diagnosed, but after we had realised that his memory was poor. With my father, FIL and SIL all having had dementia, we thought we knew what was wrong, and we were right!
Even so, all the negotiations and house moving details were up to me and OH was not able to help at all. Unfortunately, one of the skills he lost first was DIY. That, of course, was the one we could have done with! He was, BTW, 73 when we moved.
Aricept, ( donepezil ) is usually the drug of choice here. It is said it slows down progression of the disease, but it doesn't work for everyone.
Two years is a long time, so I personally would think of moving sooner rather than later. It is good that your husbands company is trying to help but, as has been said, this disease is very unpredictable.
Good luck!
Even so, all the negotiations and house moving details were up to me and OH was not able to help at all. Unfortunately, one of the skills he lost first was DIY. That, of course, was the one we could have done with! He was, BTW, 73 when we moved.
Aricept, ( donepezil ) is usually the drug of choice here. It is said it slows down progression of the disease, but it doesn't work for everyone.
Two years is a long time, so I personally would think of moving sooner rather than later. It is good that your husbands company is trying to help but, as has been said, this disease is very unpredictable.
Good luck!
May I just suggest that you contact your youngest and recommend that they make inquiries at their uni as to what would happen if you return to UK before they graduate. The Student Union are very good at this sort of thing and dont like any of the students dropping out, but it would be better if they found out what to do in advance.
If your husband is able to access a pension when you return that will shield you from the loss of benifits, although I understand that you would want to work.
If your husband is able to access a pension when you return that will shield you from the loss of benifits, although I understand that you would want to work.
Yesterday I told my husband he has Alzheimer's. I had been dreading doing this but yesterday the medical report arrived and he naturally wanted to know what it said. I drip fed him the less scary details and then once we were home he read the full report - came as a massive shock as he had no idea. Well he knows his memory is going but simply didn't connect it to dementia. We spent all day discussing everything, his new job description and fewer hours now made total sense to him and all in all, it went far better than I was expecting. This morning however he has absolutely no recollection of yesterday, no idea his job has changed, no idea of when or where he saw a doctor so the whole lot hit him again. Obviously telling him was a big mistake but he is not a stupid man and I cannot leave him completely in the dark. As soon as the insurance company clears everything we see the neurologist again and he will start on Aricept, I am pinning rather a lot on this drug!
