Suspect i know the answer but need reassurance

Peony21

Registered User
Dec 27, 2021
64
0
Thanks for taking the time to reply fellow only.

I think we struck lucky if you can call it that meds wise. After mom went wandering Mental Health got involved and a Consultant who came out to her at home made the mistake of giving me his email address and when things were going pearshaped at the care home and she was so unsettled I got in touch with him. He had not been much use two days before Christmas but I flattered his ego so he came out again to see her in the care home. At one point he asked which area of medicine I worked in so I must have said the right things - my claim to fame was a Biology O'level, a few years working at a Healthcare company and a short spell as a medical secretary!

I want to go to see my mom but admit I do not enjoy the visits. My dad died over 30 years ago when I was 19 so its a stomach punch every time she asks if I have seen him. Yesterday the topic of conversation was about her death certificate and that I needed to take two photocopies and that her brother was going to fetch it for me! Apparently she had given him money to pay for it and he could keep the change if there was any. Then she went onto say if anyone said she owed them money they were telling fibs she had never borrowed any money.

Its my birthday next week and she asked me to get myself a card (that hurt) so I took two for her to pick from. She gave it me yesterday but can no longer remember how to write my name. Its heartbreaking to watch little bits slip away.
Forgot to say, excellent work re consultant!!
 

JHA

Registered User
Aug 7, 2021
727
0
Hi @JHA ,

Yes, birthdays are so heartbreaking now. I feel for you. And I wish you as good a birthday as possible next week.
My mum sometimes asks me when my birthday is. First time was a shock as she'd usually be on my case about what I wanted at least 2 months ahead. Needless to say she missed it altogether the last 2 years. Very big ouch. It leaves a bigger mark in absence of siblings etc, doesn't it. So big hug.

With temperature going to be in 30s next week, I just realised I'll need to go tomorrow to take her some of her cooler clothes I kept when I cleared her flat. ? That'll trigger "why are you bringing them here?" Then next visit she'll be complaining that people have put name labels on clothes that aren't hers, or that most of them aren't hers, and "how would you like it if someone kept putting their things in your room and moving your things?" (She packs all her stuff every day!) Yep, to paraphrase earlier replies, there'll always be something or someone wrong to complain about! Xx

At the moment my mom is planning ahead birthday wise she asked for cards for her brothers and my youngest son as well as mine but in the next breath said she would not get grandads until after Christmas - he died 24 years ago. I have also noticed that she is crossing the days off on her calendar and marking down when I visit. Visits are not permitted at the moment as they yet again have a Covid outbreak so I will do a Reception drop off at some point as I bought her a plant which I intended to take yesterday.

My moms room is quite sparse as everything I take in she sends back home. She accepts that things have her name on without question but insists that she had two pink and blue tops and someone has taken one of each (there has definitely only been one of each). Moms bungalow is still full of stuff I need to build up the courage to start sorting it and put it on the market - but its final then plus I can only cope with one thing at a time. My youngest son has autism and has not coped in mainstream school for a long time and we are nearing the end of a long drawn out process to get him a specialist school where he can blossom. He is academically capable so we need a school that is nurturing like a primary with the academic provision of a secondary - they are few and far between.

Our moms sound very similar - my moms stuff is packed I do not think she has unpacked it! My moms main moan is about the food but she has always been a picky eater. I did start to take a few meals in for her for them to reheat but realistically the fees are high enough they should be preparing something she will eat - so that is another thing to sort on my ever increasing 'till roll' to do list.

Sorry for waffling again hope you have a good weekend and manage to keep cool.
 

Susan11

Registered User
Nov 18, 2018
5,064
0
Hello @Peony21

I had a friend who lived a two hour drive from her mothers care home. She had a wonderful relationship with her mother but worked full time and had teenage daughters so still only managed to visit fortnightly and even that exhausted her.

You can only do what you can even if it`s a compromise between your physical and emotional health and reassurance for your mother. It is not for the care staff to judge you They are not living your life. You probably visit more times than many

I had a difficult relationship with my mother who was also a narcissist. Her favourite saying was she was number one in her life and when her own mother was in need of care she was happy to allow me to take responsibility.

When my mother developed dementia it was down to me because my sister didn’t want to know I made sure everything was in order to keep her safe and well looked after and I visited weekly because I lived locally, but only stayed a short time.

It didn’t matter if the staff were judgmental towards me. They had no idea of my family history.

All I can say to you is stop feeling awful. Do what you can and what you choose to do. Look after your own self as a priority.

There is nothing to be gained by living with guilt
Grannie G I have read a lot of your posts and found many of them helpful but I think you should remove the word " only" from the phase " only managed to visit fortnightly" . It is a wee bit judgemental . My Mum was 3 and a half hours drive from me and i also " only" visited every 2 weeks. I was told by many of the staff that I visited more often than many of the other residents families who lived a lot closer!
 

Knitandpurl

Registered User
Aug 9, 2021
696
0
Lincolnshire
I think it is strange that when everything was normal with our parents many of us would visit say once a month or maybe even less (e.g. we see my step son and his family maybe 4 x a year), but once they are in a Home, where they have considerably more company and care than they ever had in their own homes, we feel we should visit more often - I think we need to be easier on ourselves, and sometimes more forgiving of siblings, children, grandchildren who visit less than we would like them too. I suspect that it often doesn’t really matter that much to our loved ones in the Home - my Mum sees me every week and tells my sister on the phone she hasn’t seen me for ‘ages’. My sister does only visit 4 x a year, she lives on the Isle if Wight, it is a long way and costs her a lot of money,
 

Peony21

Registered User
Dec 27, 2021
64
0
At the moment my mom is planning ahead birthday wise she asked for cards for her brothers and my youngest son as well as mine but in the next breath said she would not get grandads until after Christmas - he died 24 years ago. I have also noticed that she is crossing the days off on her calendar and marking down when I visit. Visits are not permitted at the moment as they yet again have a Covid outbreak so I will do a Reception drop off at some point as I bought her a plant which I intended to take yesterday.

My moms room is quite sparse as everything I take in she sends back home. She accepts that things have her name on without question but insists that she had two pink and blue tops and someone has taken one of each (there has definitely only been one of each). Moms bungalow is still full of stuff I need to build up the courage to start sorting it and put it on the market - but its final then plus I can only cope with one thing at a time. My youngest son has autism and has not coped in mainstream school for a long time and we are nearing the end of a long drawn out process to get him a specialist school where he can blossom. He is academically capable so we need a school that is nurturing like a primary with the academic provision of a secondary - they are few and far between.

Our moms sound very similar - my moms stuff is packed I do not think she has unpacked it! My moms main moan is about the food but she has always been a picky eater. I did start to take a few meals in for her for them to reheat but realistically the fees are high enough they should be preparing something she will eat - so that is another thing to sort on my ever increasing 'till roll' to do list.

Sorry for waffling again hope you have a good weekend and manage to keep cool.
Sorry not to have replied sooner. I'm in awe of what you're managing and really hope the hard fight for your son finally pays off and he is able to flourish.

Yes, I had to pace myself to clear the flat too. So good you're taking things at your own speed, as much as is possible x