I think this is what you would call it - "survivors guilt". My mom went into a care home yesterday - for 2 weeks respite or possibly as a permanent placement. It is not going well. I called this morning to see how things were, - she hasn't slept all night, hasn't eaten, not drinking, had a fall overnight, bit one of the carers and refusing all her medication. I feel like hell (sorry for swearing!)
Now what? What do I do with my time? Every time I think of doing something that I couldn't do before with Mom in the house - I feel an immense rush of guilt and cant manage to do it. Eventually -after walking dogs, cleaning house, laundry (all the normal things I would do on a Saturday with Mom here) I decided to go and do some shopping. I have a bit of money tucked away so thought I could buy myself something nice - retail therapy! Instead, bought new curtains for Moms room at the care home, looked at new furniture for her room and wallpaper. Looked at new nighties... for Mom. Looked at new shoes (her feet are so swollen).... for Mom. I spent 30 minutes looking at scarves for myself..... a simple scarf. Couldn't buy it - don't feel I "deserve" it. How dare I be out "having fun" whilst Mom is scared and angry in a new care home.
Those of you that have been here before - how did you cope? Am beginning to feel I will never get MY life back. Even when Mom is not here, my every thought and most of my actions revolve around her. The guilt is just so overwhelming.
Now what? What do I do with my time? Every time I think of doing something that I couldn't do before with Mom in the house - I feel an immense rush of guilt and cant manage to do it. Eventually -after walking dogs, cleaning house, laundry (all the normal things I would do on a Saturday with Mom here) I decided to go and do some shopping. I have a bit of money tucked away so thought I could buy myself something nice - retail therapy! Instead, bought new curtains for Moms room at the care home, looked at new furniture for her room and wallpaper. Looked at new nighties... for Mom. Looked at new shoes (her feet are so swollen).... for Mom. I spent 30 minutes looking at scarves for myself..... a simple scarf. Couldn't buy it - don't feel I "deserve" it. How dare I be out "having fun" whilst Mom is scared and angry in a new care home.
Those of you that have been here before - how did you cope? Am beginning to feel I will never get MY life back. Even when Mom is not here, my every thought and most of my actions revolve around her. The guilt is just so overwhelming.