Supporting my Grandmother

Flossy987

New member
Dec 29, 2018
6
0
Hi all,

This is my first post so hoping someone can be of help.

My Grandad has recently had a diagnosis of Dementia and due to some concerns around aggression towards my Grandmother a decision was made for him to be placed in a care home. Prior to this my Grandparents had been together for 62 years and only ever lived in one house together. My Grandmother is really struggling with this change which I completely understand but has now made remarks about how she does not want to visit my grandfather in the care home. Whilst I understand her trepidation, I am also concerned that the longer she leaves it, the harder it will become. Although my Grandfather is confused and struggles with conversation, his sense of humour is still in tact and the rest of the family still take great pleasure from his company. We have even suggested that we take him out of the home for a couple of hours (which we did at Christmas) so that they can see one another at my parents home but she doesn't seem keen on this either.

Does anyone have any advice on how I can best support my Grandmother or any resources they can sign post me to that may be beneficial to her/me?

Many thanks in advance,

Grace
 

Juniorjunior

Registered User
Aug 13, 2018
26
0
This seems as an outsider a possible situation of having to respect your grandmother's decision. As hard as it seems maybe your grandmother is able to cope with a very significant change to relationship and social situation with a degree of distance from her husband. Maybe she is scared that any aggression may be triggered at her visit and directed at her. Maybe she wants to remember other things in her relationship with your grandfather than him in a care home, no matter how homely it is to the rest of the family.
However maybe she has some undisclosed anxieties which need investigating compassionately as possible. Sometimes after a difficult caring situation someone needs space to grieve and recharge and may reconsider in time. This is a particularly sensitive time for all involved as all have their own relationship with your grandfather.
I would suggest lots of love, reassurance, comfort and listening all round to support each other.
 

Shedrech

Registered User
Dec 15, 2012
12,649
0
UK
hello @Flossy987
a warm welcome to TP
it sounds as though your granddad is now in a good care home, so receiving the support he needs, and has family members visiting, so he has some socialising
this new situation may well take your grandmother some time to come to terms with - personally, I would support her by honouring her wishes and allowing her to deal with all this in whatever way she needs to
I do wonder whether what you mention as "some concerns around aggression' may have been much worse than anyone else realises and that your grandmother is still processing what took place - she may even fear that her visiting may spark his aggression again - she may simply be relieved not to have the aggression in her life and want to keep it that way
might you just spend time with her and spoil her a bit - caring is exhausting and can leave the carer feeling that no-one recognises them as an individual anymore - show her you appreciate her as and for herself, not just as an addition to your granddad

maybe have a look around the main AS site eg
https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/get-support/help-dementia-care/caring-later-stages
 

Flossy987

New member
Dec 29, 2018
6
0
This seems as an outsider a possible situation of having to respect your grandmother's decision. As hard as it seems maybe your grandmother is able to cope with a very significant change to relationship and social situation with a degree of distance from her husband. Maybe she is scared that any aggression may be triggered at her visit and directed at her. Maybe she wants to remember other things in her relationship with your grandfather than him in a care home, no matter how homely it is to the rest of the family.
However maybe she has some undisclosed anxieties which need investigating compassionately as possible. Sometimes after a difficult caring situation someone needs space to grieve and recharge and may reconsider in time. This is a particularly sensitive time for all involved as all have their own relationship with your grandfather.
I would suggest lots of love, reassurance, comfort and listening all round to support each other.
 

Flossy987

New member
Dec 29, 2018
6
0
Thank-you so much for taking the time reply.
I really appreciate your helping me to view things from her perspective, it's so hard to do it when you're so emotionally involved.
I think the shock of her saying what she did today winded me a bit but you're right, I should respect her wishes.

Thank-you x
 

Flossy987

New member
Dec 29, 2018
6
0
hello @Flossy987
a warm welcome to TP
it sounds as though your granddad is now in a good care home, so receiving the support he needs, and has family members visiting, so he has some socialising
this new situation may well take your grandmother some time to come to terms with - personally, I would support her by honouring her wishes and allowing her to deal with all this in whatever way she needs to
I do wonder whether what you mention as "some concerns around aggression' may have been much worse than anyone else realises and that your grandmother is still processing what took place - she may even fear that her visiting may spark his aggression again - she may simply be relieved not to have the aggression in her life and want to keep it that way
might you just spend time with her and spoil her a bit - caring is exhausting and can leave the carer feeling that no-one recognises them as an individual anymore - show her you appreciate her as and for herself, not just as an addition to your granddad

maybe have a look around the main AS site eg
Thank-you for taking the time to reply to me and for providing the link, which I will take a look at.

I value your thoughts on spoiling my Grandmother, you're right, my Grandad is receiving the care he needs and really she needs our attention now.

Thank-you so much x