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LILY M

New member
Feb 14, 2022
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My husband has had to go into carehome as I am too tired to carry on 24/7 care and he is not settled and I am distraught. Been advised that it would not be advisable to bring him home as he is wandering. That sundowning would continue and also the incontinence. His daughter who lives 5 miles away has not enquired how he is or I am coping in 13 months so no help there. I was caring on my own apart from 50 mins Monday to Friday from carers. Do not know how to handle this. Keep breaking down and feel like going for him. I know I am exhausted but it's no easier having him care.
 

kindred

Registered User
Apr 8, 2018
2,843
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My husband has had to go into carehome as I am too tired to carry on 24/7 care and he is not settled and I am distraught. Been advised that it would not be advisable to bring him home as he is wandering. That sundowning would continue and also the incontinence. His daughter who lives 5 miles away has not enquired how he is or I am coping in 13 months so no help there. I was caring on my own apart from 50 mins Monday to Friday from carers. Do not know how to handle this. Keep breaking down and feel like going for him. I know I am exhausted but it's no easier having him care.
It will get easier, it really will. I’ve been in this situation too and really feel for you. You are still his wife although you are not now doing the hard bits and incontinence is so so hard to cope with. Of course you are exhausted and it’s going to feel awful, but please try to relax just a bit and see if you can enjoy being with him as he is looked after well by others.
Warmest, Kindred
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
18,897
0
South coast
How long has he been there @LILY M ?
It can take several months to settle and adjust and it will take time for you to adjust too.
Your head knows that its the right decision, but your heart hasnt yet caught up.
((((((((((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))))))))
 

Sarasa

Volunteer Host
Apr 13, 2018
5,048
0
Nottinghamshire
A warm welcome to Dementia Talking Point @LILY M .
It can take a long time for someone to settle into a care home. My mother was in hers for about six months before she stopped demanding to go home every time I visited. It might sound counter-intuitive but if you are visiting every day may be stop visiting for a few days to see if that helps him get used to asking the carers for help and starts getting to know the other residents.
I'm sure others will be along soon with their ideas, but I'm glad you've found us as this is a safe place to vent feelings, and you're among people who understand the dilemma you have.
 

Thethirdmrsc

Registered User
Apr 4, 2018
674
0
Hi @LILY M you are right that at the start it is just as hard, as if he was there. But it will get better, it just won’t be overnight, and the pain and guilt may never leave you, but it will ease. My husband went into a care home at the end of December and I visit 3 times a week. Unfortunately he is now immobile and incontinent, but it now takes a team of professionals to do what they expect one person to do. I cry most times I leave him, but he is well looked after, and is not going to get better.