support/advice really needed

Discussion in 'I care for a person with dementia' started by Rubylee, Aug 31, 2015.

  1. Rubylee

    Rubylee Registered User

    Dec 20, 2014
    1
    Kent
    Hello. I care for my mum who has Alzheimer's. It seems she is approaching the later stages from the results of recent cognitive testing. My mum has lived with my daughter and me since my dad died suddenly in 2006. We jointly own the property as tenants in common. It has not been easy and has caused a lot of difficulties, although we have tried our best. My daughter feels it has affected her life greatly, and her relationship with me. I did have a partner for 7 years but that ended. My most recent partner has just ended our relationship because he said he can't cope any longer with the situation here and the effect it is all having on me. At times I have felt completely torn between my daughter's needs and my mother's. I have also had feedback from both ex partners that they feel I have nothing left for them. We have had carers coming in just for the last 5 weeks and it is helping but I am struggling with isolation an lonlieness and I can't see myself being able to survive being trapped here for much longer. I work full time but when I am not at work I am here struggling with everthing. I have a brother but he has not seen our mum in 2 years. He hasn't sent any cards, or phoned her. He even missed her 80th birthday. I am trying to look into selling the property, using my power of attorney, so that we can use equity to fund a care home for my mum. I am worried that the money won't last but I don't know what else to do. My daughter is desperate for this to happen. I am taking anti-depressants just to keep going. But my mum realises and has been crying and begging me not to put her in a home. She says she wants to stay with me until she dies. It is all breaking my heart. And to lose my partner as well... I am left feeling sad and broken. I have no family support and no close friends to turn to. I have been a single parent to my daughter and alongside work and supporting my mum I seem to have had very little time to nurture other friendships or relationships. I have to pay £100 per hour for legal advice. I don't have this but I'm hoping if we can go ahead then the bill can be settled once the house is sold? I feel I am letting my mum down. She has been there for me all my life. I understand her needs but my strength is fading fast. I feel broken and don't know where to turn anymore. I would really appreciate any thoughts or advice at all. When my relationship ended 2 weeks ago I emailed my mum's care manager to say I felt in crisis but she hasn't replied. I do understand how busy they are ... but if I lose my health - mental or physical - they would have to step in anyway. I have reached the point where small tasks feel huge. Even trying to sort out respite. I just don't seem to find time for everything.
     
  2. doodle1

    doodle1 Registered User

    May 11, 2012
    240
    Welcome to TP - you will find lots of support on here.you sound as if you are at the stage where you need to tell SS very firmly you can no longer cope and they must organise some help.it is not fair on your daughter to be in this situation. I have a feeling that you cannot be forced to sell your house if your mum needs a care home whilst you are still living there so do not rush into this. I am sure others will be along to give you more and better advice but just wanted to say how much I feel for you. As you will read from other posts on this forum carers are also entitled to a life. Hugs x
     
  3. Beetroot

    Beetroot Registered User

    Aug 19, 2015
    363
    I am so sorry you have been pushed to this stage - caring can be a lonely life. If I were you, I'd telephone age uk's advice line. The will be able to explain where you stand in regard to selling the house to fund care fees. 0800 1696565 is the number to call per the web site.
     
  4. LYN T

    LYN T Registered User

    Aug 30, 2012
    6,967
    Brixham Devon
    As you are Tenants in common you definitely do not need to sell the house; if your Mum has savings over a certain amount she will be self funding. If not she will have to apply to the LA to fund her care.

    I'm so sorry that you feel so depressed-finding time for yourself and your daughter is so difficult when you have so much on your plate. Go above your Mum's Care Manager and explain the situation-and also that you haven't had a reply for the email you sent. Use the words 'vulnerable adult' and 'carer's breakdown'. No one can be forced to be a carer.

    Take care

    Lyn T XX
     
  5. susy

    susy Registered User

    Jul 29, 2013
    806
    North East
    Please don't sell your house to fund care home fees, there is no need to do this. Social services should not put any pressure in you to do this either but I they do please post on here and you will get good advice.

    Make sure you get a list of approved local homes and have a look round them. Go at different times of day and don't announce your visit as you need to see how it works throughout the day.

    Take the time to sort this out for you and your daughter. You will still care for your mum while she is in a home, you will generally get to both have a better quality of life.
    X
     
  6. CollegeGirl

    CollegeGirl Registered User

    Jan 19, 2011
    9,535
    North East England
    Welcome from me too, Rubylee. I'm so very sorry you find yourself in this position, it's no wonder you feel trapped. You're trying to keep everyone happy and are being pulled in all directions. It's no wonder you feel so low.

    I can't advise on the legal side of things as others have done, but from an emotional point of view I think you should visit your GP and just pour your heart out. You clearly can't carry on like this otherwise you could have a breakdown, and as you so rightly say, this will just make things worse.

    Has your mum had an assessment by social services to see what her needs are? Have you had an assessment to see what your own needs are as a carer?

    Do keep posting if you feel able, as sometimes simply letting things out helps, and there is always someone around.

    You are not alone on this forum xx
     
  7. Rodelinda

    Rodelinda Registered User

    Jun 15, 2015
    172
    Suffolk
    Rubylee - I really feel for you and the impact of caring for your mother. It sounds as though you're having a really tough time. There is help out there - contact your GP - he or she may well open doors to help for you; and do go back to social services at a higher level. Do you have a local carers service (here we have a family carers service and they are realy helpful). It may be that some respite care is needed urgently to allow you some breathing space first to recover and then to think about the future - it sounds as though you really need to think about you and your daughter. Do keep posting as there are people out here who can at least listen and possibly provide some ideas for the future. Take care.
     
  8. Boldredrosie

    Boldredrosie Registered User

    Mar 13, 2012
    237
    Hi Rubylee
    You and I are in a very similar situation. My mother has lived with me and my son since 2005, we are tenants in common and the situation has been very damaging to me and my son.

    However, if our experience with social services and the memory clinic is anything to go by be very, very careful what you say to any of these organisations. The fact that we share ownership of the house and that my mother no longer understands her financial situation has led to the perception among the social workers and the memory clinic that I'm "after her money". We're finding it very difficult to get either organisation to support us as a family unit.

    Also, I don't think you can sell the house using your LPA as it's a conflict of interest -- I think you'll probably need the Court of Protection's permission to sell. And your mum will probably need her own solicitor and probably a trustee.

    I do think you need some advice on next steps. And document everything you do from here on in so you have a record of how your proceeded.
     
  9. Mrsbusy

    Mrsbusy Registered User

    Aug 15, 2015
    356
    Firstly, can I say how we can all hear and feel how you are so desperate. Many of us are in similar situations to you so don't feel alone.

    May I suggest do not sell your house. Never mind the legal implications but I don't think from what you have said you are in the right state of mind to be doing this. It's such a stressful time when life is normal let alone when you are already at rock bottom in yourself, have no support and are beating yourself up.

    You put your house on the market and from experience I can tell you it's flipping hard out there! My son has been trying to move for six months. That's six months of people coming to your home which you have to keep tidy, so much paperwork you wouldn't believe. Paying out for mortgage application, waiting to see if you get mortgage, as well as trying to view houses for you to live in whilst someone looks after your Mum. I seriously think you should reconsider. My son is 28 and he's stressed to the hilt with people being dishonest, pulling out of chains as well as solicitors phoning, estate agents talking rubbish to make a sale.

    Speak to citizens advice, they can offer you half an hour with solicitor for free about anything. Speak to lots of people get so much advice you can make an informed decision.

    Your daughter may want the situation to change as do you, but if you moved would the situation really change or would you be in a different place with the same hassle? Has your daughter hot anyone to speak to at school, counselling etc. depends how old she is of course.

    Primarily work on getting yourself better before doing anything, for now you have to be selfish. Think of it like this. When on an aeroplane if the oxygen masks come down you have to put YOURs on before helping others, otherwise you won't survive and they will. So if you sort yourself out the dependants you have will get the benefit too.

    Keep posting, and good luck.
     

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