Sundowning advice please

Pepsicola

New member
Jul 3, 2018
4
0
I have noticed my mum in the evening experiencing some very distressing symptons of 'sundowning' and I would like advice on how best to deal with them. She's fine sat on the sofa watching the telly with the cat, but the minute I mention we have to go home (which is getting later and later) she goes into this complete state of panic, not knowing where she lives, how are we going to get there, and thinks we are already on either a train or a boat and surprised to see my front garden when I open the door! I don't understand where this idea that she's travelling on a train or boat is coming from? I have now taken to taking her home later and putting her to bed as that is where I know she'll stay, but she cries a lot from the confusion where she is etc, and it's hearbreaking to see it. I have made a new assessment with the doctor but not until March, so any ideas what I can do in the meantime to ease her distress would be helpful. I am also slightly confused as to the instant change of character when I mention she has to go home as it really is like switching a switch to 'toddler mode' having a tantrum when she doesn't want to do something. Happy days, not nights!! Thank you.
 

Helly68

Registered User
Mar 12, 2018
1,685
0
This may not work, but could you say something other than "going home"? I wonder if she associates something different in these words? When in a care home, my Mum would talk about going home, she meant her childhood home, which I am not even sure exists any more. I also find having an almost falsely calm tone of voice, no matter what is happening, also works as certainly if I am upset, my Mum picks up on this.
 

Rosalind297

Registered User
Oct 14, 2017
111
0
I have a slightly different problem in thatMum lives in her own home of 45 years but the sundowning often has her getting distressed as she wants “to go home”, tries to find her keys to that home and worries that “everyone” at home will be upset if she doesn’t return. Her family home is in the village (she hasn’t lived there for over 70 years) and she always says hello to her Mum (dead for 37 years) when we pass it so we think it might be that that she’s thinking of. It could just be an abstract place of course. Latterlyshe has begun to ask us if we’ll be sleeping in a house on our own like her,so maybe anxiety about abandonment or loneliness may be at the root of it.

We combat it by saying that she should stay here for the night and we’ll look for the key in the morning. I offer her the opportunity to sleep in my house or for me to stay with her, but she always refuses. It is very upsetting but just constant reassurance seems to be the only solution.
 

Daffo

New member
Oct 29, 2018
3
0
A helpful tip I got from a counsellor was to gently ask the person, in passing, how old they are. The counsellor said that she dealt with a lady in her 70s who became very distressed and worried about her parents being 'gone'. It turned out that the lady was 9 years old at that moment, and when the counsellor reassured her as you would a child, she calmed down.
My husband regularly talks as if he is middle aged and his parents are still living. I just have to say they are ok and are being looked after. That puts his mind at rest ...... until the next incident.
 

Rosalind297

Registered User
Oct 14, 2017
111
0
I have a slightly different problem in thatMum lives in her own home of 45 years but the sundowning often has her getting distressed as she wants “to go home”, tries to find her keys to that home and worries that “everyone” at home will be upset if she doesn’t return. Her family home is in the village (she hasn’t lived there for over 70 years) and she always says hello to her Mum (dead for 37 years) when we pass it so we think it might be that that she’s thinking of. It could just be an abstract place of course. Latterlyshe has begun to ask us if we’ll be sleeping in a house on our own like her,so maybe anxiety about abandonment or loneliness may be at the root of it.

We combat it by saying that she should stay here for the night and we’ll look for the key in the morning. I offer her the opportunity to sleep in my house or for me to stay with her, but she always refuses. It is very upsetting but just constant reassurance seems to be the only solution.
 

KathrynAnne

Registered User
Jun 6, 2018
269
0
South Yorkshire
Would it be easier to take your Mum home earlier and sit and watch TV with her there for a while? With my Mum, the later it got, the more confused she became. It may be better to set off before it gets dark which could be possible now the evenings are getting lighter.